


Everybody loves a circus show

by glackedandmullered



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: circus AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-05 15:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 53,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1823680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glackedandmullered/pseuds/glackedandmullered
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Gavin Free walked into the big top at the age of five, it took him 3.2 seconds to know this was where he wanted to spend his life. Circus AU in which RoosterTeeth Circus of Wonders is about to get a new member.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all a huge massive thanks to Grape (madcowedgar on tumblr) for sticking with me so far and not letting me give up on this. 
> 
> I'm genuinely excited for this to do well and I hope you guys like the idea as much as I do.

 

The first time Gavin Free walked into the big top at the age of five, it took him 3.2 seconds to know this was where he wanted to spend his life.

The bright colours and bustling atmosphere drew him in like a moth to a flame and he walked in with wide eyes, gripping his mum’s hand tightly. Everything was bright and dramatic here; even the lady who welcomed them and took their tickets was dressed in loud neon colours. Her dress strapless and short, half yellow with pink spots and the other side purple with orange stripes down the length; it matched the tight leggings she wore underneath and the outfit was finished off with a pair of bright blue legwarmers tucked into florescent pink boots. She smiled a dazzling white smile, tearing the ticket while a young boy next to her handed out books, programmes with images just as colourful and clear as the sights in front of him.  He spent the next two hours watching clowns running in circles around each other, putting every person in the audience in fits of laughter; gymnasts and magicians wowing the crowd and bringing the excited people to their feet with the thrill of every act.

But nothing quite struck him like the aerialists. Specifically the Trapeze artists. High up in the air, twisting and turning in graceful movements from one bar to another as they swung across the length of the big top. The glitzy costumes reflected glittering light across the audience with the aid of the bright, warm white lights that highlighted their performance. When they finished and took their bows, Gavin was up on his feet shouting and clapping so loudly they noticed him in the crowd, waving specifically to him and him alone, and that was it. He was decided.

He wanted to do that one day.

After much convincing, his parents signed him up for a summer camp, run at the local church by two ex performers who dropped out to encourage more children to get into the magic of the circus. Gavin had fun, he was there every day for three weeks and he had never had a better summer in his, admittedly short, life. Except there was something missing. Amidst the loud laughing and the sounds of plastic hitting the ground Gavin felt a little lost, this wasn’t what he had expected from the circus.

Over those three weeks he tried everything, every act from juggling to mime, magic to trampoline; but still nothing was giving him that tug in his gut like the trapeze.  He approached the female leader and told her he wanted to fly, she laughed and told him the human race hadn’t mastered the power of personal flight just yet but if he wanted to learn the art of Trapeze he would need a different class.

Onto the gymnastics classes, five years of those combined with the circus basics course that was available every Wednesday in the sports hall lead him to being told he had a promising career ahead of him should he choose to pursue it, but they couldn’t go any further where he currently was.

The classes stopped at 10 years old, once he reached that point he was told he couldn’t go any further and, though he begged them to overlook it, he was turned down every time he asked to stay.

He found out about the London Youth Circus through his old instructor. It was a school dedicated to teaching circus skills, taking kids through an audition process to get a place and every picture Gavin saw made him fall even more in love with the idea of actually getting to attend it.

He never considered the fact that they lived a fair distance from the school, that it wasn’t a simple case of yes or no as to whether he could go, it was complicated. That didn’t stop him, however, from hounding his parents every second he could, showing them pictures and bringing back more and more information he had learnt every day.

Having had enough, his parents sat him down on night after school, pulling out the many many leaflets and brochures that Gavin had been slipping them for weeks; under their door, into the piles of post, and out right handing them as they sipped their morning coffee.

“Are you absolutely sure that this is what you want to do?” Gavin nodded excitedly, babbling into a long prepared speech he’d had in his back pocket since he first found out about the classes but his Dad cut him off.

“I can get a transfer from work,” He mused.

“And I can look for more agency jobs in the centre.” His Mum finished.

Gavin honestly couldn’t believe his ears. They were considering moving… for him. Prepared to travel only a few hours down the country to the heart of London where the Circus was waiting.

The auditions were hard work, strict and calculating eyes watching his every move; every arch of his back, every leg extension and even his grip on the bars. They lasted four days and Gavin watched as girl after girl, boy after boy got rejected, sent out of the door with their tails between their legs, disappointed. Yet Gavin remained. Stage after stage Gavin kept going, until the final day, when he was handed that one sheet of paper that told him yes, he was good enough.

A week later they had moved in, just a ten minute drive from the building; a small terraced house with chipped white paint on bay windows, and a back garden that opened out onto an abandoned football pitch.

The school was nothing like he had imagined for, despite the exhausting extensive audition process, it was actually pretty laid back. Classes ran for 2 hours every Sunday for the kids Gavins age, some younger than him and a handful of older students getting ready to move into the youth group. The building itself was offset from the road and looked like one of those old schools from movies, dark brick and kind of crumbling but obviously still solid. Inside was pretty much hollowed out, into a large work area with various sizes of crash mats in bright primary colours leaning up against the walls, ropes hung from the high ceiling, hoops and bars connecting them high up in the air.

His teachers told him he had great potential, and he held onto that every step of the way, through every exam and the extra hours he put in at the school on top of his own academic schooling, keeping him motivated to be the best he could be. His Mum and Dad built a training area in their basement, a couple of mats and a practise trapeze that hung just high enough that Gavin could practise his holds and not injure himself on the fall down when his still developing muscles failed him.

His efforts paid off as he grew older, when he was 16 he was recruited into _Mr Wonderjoy’s Travelling Circus_ , a Scottish touring troupe visiting London for recruitments early into the spring of his last term at high school. Everyone in Gavin’s class, upper youth for 16’s and under, tried out; the audition process much more laid back than the one he had gone through to get into the school though still proving difficult for some of the other performers trying out.

He had no problem, swinging, twisting and smiling his way into the troupe, signed on by Mr Wonderjoy himself. As an ex aerialist himself he took an interest in Gavin, showing him new tricks and tips for keeping his lines neat and his body in the air through the tougher flights. It definitely aided him in the move from performer in training to actual aerialist in a proper _legitimate_ Circus that toured from City to City all over the country.

\---

It was at the last performance of the tour- three years later- back at their home ground in Edinburgh, that his life changed forever. The tent was erected early in the morning, the performance arena laid out and trucks unloaded before lunch came. Gavin spent the day around the tent, double and triple checking equipment, watching the girls rehearse and idly chatting with fellow performers as they waited for yet another ‘first night.’

“Gav, psst come here.” Gavin looked up from his trunk in the back room to see Sophia - one of the dancers - sticking her head around the door to his trailer, glittered skin shimmering in the streaks of sunlight filtering through the window.

“I think there’s a recruiter here.” She looked excited, bouncing on her toes as they crossed the field to where the audience were arriving and the gymnast come greeter - Madison - was taking the last of the tickets, catching Gavins eye and waving him over. She tucked her short, curled auburn hair behind her ear as she pushed the curtain door aside.

She pointed through the curtain towards a seat in the front row. “There, third from centre right.” Gavin followed her eyeline to the seat in question. A man, too far away for any distinguishable features, dressed in a plain black suit and leaning back on the bench arms with his arms crossed over his chest.

“How can you tell?” He whispered, turning around when he was met with silence to see the girls staring at him with identical expressions, raised eyebrows and a hint of disbelief in their eyes.

“Seriously? Who do you know that comes to a circus show on their own dressed to the nines?” He squinted through the, now dimmed stage lights, the man checked his watch and his posture slumped, unusually lazy behaviour for a recruiter in Gavin’s experience. The last recruiter to turn up at the venue, a woman in her mid thirties with a clipboard and stony look in her eyes, had sat ramrod straight in her seat, not interacting with anyone else as her calculating eyes watched every move with almost robot like analysis.

“What do you think he’s doing here?” He whispered, letting the curtain fall closed again as eyes began watching them. Madison scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

“A recruiter? Gee Gavin, I have no idea.” The sarcasm was heavy in her thick scottish drawl and Gavin rolled his eyes.

“Yeah okay Mads, that was a stupid question, I get it. I wonder where he’s from.”

“What if he’s from Cirque?” Sophia gasped, hands coming up to cover her made up face at the prospect while Gavin scoffed and shook his head, laughing at the idea.

“You go to Cirque, Cirque doesn’t come to you.” Sophia grumbled, curling her blonde hair around her finger as she made mocking faces behind Gavins back, he was looking through the curtain again, eyes focused on the man as he checked his watch, looked at his phone, and passed a comment on to the woman sitting beside him with a little boy on her lap. “Besides, what would Cirque be doing here of all places?”

Madison shrugged,“He’s American, got that much from his accent when he thanked me.”

Gavin frowned, “American?” The conversation was halted from going any further when Mark - their stage director - appeared behind them, pushing Gavin and Sophia away to the wings.

Even when he wasn’t on the floor that night he spent all of his time beside the curtain, watching the man in the audience past the deep red fabric, that was until the Ringmaster George told him to fuck off since he was blocking the smooth running of the show.

When they took their final bows the guy was right there, hands together in applause and, when they got to the curtain to turn back and wave, he was gone.

“Heads up Gav, he’s coming our way!” Sophia hissed, not so subtly pointing behind his back and he turned to see the man from before striding towards them with purpose. She stood up straight, feet together with practiced precision and her loose blonde hair falling in soft curls over her shoulders; but the look on her face the moment the man said _Gavin’s_ name was priceless, the obvious drop in her smile and posture, her lips down turned and eyes dulling in annoyance. Gavin couldn’t laugh, he was too busy being surprised by his own name leaving the lips of the stranger. In the light of day Gavin could see him better, he was well built, tall and dark haired, with a dusting of facial hair over his chin and thick rimmed glasses perched on his nose.

“Y-yes?” Gavin squeaked in response, gulping hard and stretching out a shaky hand to meet the mans. He grinned.

“My name is Burnie Burns, I’m the casting director of RoosterTeeth circus,” Retracting his hand, he reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a card, which he handed to Gavin with a flick of the wrist. It was an artistic card, black with a glossy damask print in the centre and the printed red curtains framing the sides. In the centre, in a cursive white font, _Burnie Burns, Roosterteeth Circus of Wonders._

“We’re based in the US, travelling across States with our show.” Gavin simply nodded, his throat weirdly dry though he couldn’t be sure exactly why, this wasn’t his first encounter with a recruiter after all. “We need something new.” Burnie continued, “The show is lacking, especially in the aerial performance. We have some excellent flyers but we still require something...different. You have quite the artistic flair. I really enjoyed the show.” He gestured to Gavin with a sweet smile and the Brit croaked out a rough _thank you?_

“I’m not one to beat around the bush, I’d love to invite you to join me across the waters.” Burnie snorted when Gavins mouth dropped open, shock and surprise clear on his face. All his life he had been striving for a moment like this and here it was being handed to him without so much as a second thought.

“I...uh…” He mumbled pathetically, palms sweaty and smile shaky but Burnie didn’t seem to mind, he stood patiently, hands clasped before him while he waited for an answer.

“Gavin, if you could start tidying up after yourself one of these days that would be fantastic.” Suddenly distracted, Gavin turned away from Burnie as Marks deep highland accented voice rang out from behind him. The man was flicking through sheets of paper in his hands, not looking up until he very nearly collided with both Gavin and Burnie, pausing for a second he glanced up.

“Hello.” He said slowly. Burnie grinned.

“Are you Mark?” At the Scotsmans nod he continued, “The show is fantastic, I thoroughly enjoyed it, I was just telling Gavin as much.” Mark shared a look with Gavin, suspicion lacing his expression.

“You were?” The question was not directed at Burnie, Gavin realised as the gaze never left his own, he nodded dumbly, brain still processing the information he had been given.

“You okay, Gav?” Gavin could tell Mark was concerned, mistaking his stunned demeanor for fear and he quickly shook himself out of it.

“Yeah, yeah fine Mark. Just thinking about something.” Mark continued to look suspicious but seemed to accept it, reminding him to get inside and help with the clean up before wandering off, back into his own little world.

Burnie reached out and tapped the card that was being held so tightly in Gavin’s hands that it was crinkled and already tearing in the middle. 

“I’ll let you think about it. My number’s on there, I’ll be flying out on Friday.”

He was halfway across the field before Gavin had time to react.

        Friday gave Gavin three days to decide. Three days to choose whether to stay with the troupe that started his career and kickstarted his circus future, or to step into the unknown and leave everything behind for the prospect of a chance at something more. On the one hand they were his family, fun and witty and had taken care of him for three years; but on the other...how much more could he do with a 10 person mud show, confined to the comparably small expanse of the UK, small shows, small tents, small life. He owed everything to Mr Wonderjoy. The man had taken him on and shown him the way of the circus world, he owed him more than a simple goodbye and a kick to the curb.

It also gave him three days to intensely google this _RoosterTeeth Circus_ in an internet cafe down the street. Started up in 2003 the circus had gone from small town ‘Dog and Pony’ show to the 30 strong production that it was now. Audience photos were few and far between thanks to their ‘No Photography’ rule but there were a number of cast pictures, both candid and posed, on a nicely designed website.

He didn’t bother going through the cast and crew, instead he spent an hour on skype with his parents, then two hours in the trailer with Sophia and a handful of other performers including his trapeze partner, an 18 year old slim blonde boy called Lewis, and together they all decided.

Two days later he was on a plane.

\---

The first thing Gavin noticed after stepping off the plane was the heat. Having become accustomed to the generally low temperatures of England and the long wintery periods of weather in the Scottish highlands, the sudden blast of humid warm air had taken Gavin by surprise. He was glad that Burnie had warned him to leave his jacket in his luggage, he was sure the tight material would have glued to him in seconds with the sweat that was already rolling down his back as he made his way out of the terminal.

Burnie adjusted his tie, tugging it away from his neck as the stifling heat washed over them both. He directed Gavin towards the parking lot as they passed through the check ins and over to a beaten up, red and dull grey, pick-up truck on the third level. Informing him that the drive wasn’t too long as he rolled down the windows, Burnie started the engine and they were pulling out into the bright sun of midday Texas.

Roosterteeth Circus was currently set up just outside of Austin. Off the beaten track, in the centre of a large open expanse of grass, sat the largest circus tent that Gavin had ever seen. Even more vast than the first venue Gavin had been to, the one that made him fall in love with the Circus for the first time, this one towered over the landscape, the classic red and white canvas with highlights of yellow around the door and tinting the tips of the three points that gave the huge structure its extra height.

“Now that is a big top.” Gavin whispered in awe, jumping when he heard a musical laugh behind him and a hand clap down on his shoulder. Burnie had left him alone as soon as they arrived to change out of his suit, since the heat was too much for him in all those fancy clothes, so the sudden attention was startling.

“Sure is, kid.” Gavin span around, turning to look in the direction the voice had come in. A man stood there, he was weathered looking, wearing a tattered pair of jeans and a ratty tee with a faded design that showed off the intricate designs adorning the man’s arms in ink. The most interesting feature was the dark moustache above his lip, thick and curled at the edges like a cartoon villain, the lip below hinting a smirk that made the mans eyes shine bright.

“You know, opening night isn’t for a few days yet, you’re a bit early.” He laughed, his voice had a much higher pitch than Gavin would have expected but, weirdly it seemed to fit him well.  He realised that the man thought he was a guest, which was obviously why he was looking at him humorously but with a hint of ‘move the fuck on’.

“oh no, no I’m not…” Gavin started before Burnie came marching over, a clipboard under his right arm and his clothing changed, now much more like the scruffy man’s.

“Geoffrey! I see you’ve met Gavin, our new Aerialist. Gavin, this is Geoff, our ringmaster.” Nodding to Geoff, Gavin took in the shocked surprise written plainly on the mans face.

“This is the guy? Seriously, Burnie?” Gavin frowned at the laughter in his voice, feeling insulted. “What’s he gonna do?”

“He’s Ray’s new partner.” Burnie shrugged and slung an arm around Gavin’s shoulders, while Geoffs eyes widened further, if even possible. He studied Gavin for a moment, letting the Brit squirm under his scrutiny.

“No, no way. Trapeze? Can you even see the bars over that nose of yours?” He laughed even louder when Gavins hand shot up to cover his nose and he let out an indignant squeak, he had been made fun of for it before, sure, but never in a professional capacity. “Those arms too,” He reached for one of Gavins wrists, the young lad letting it hang limply as Geoff waved it about in his tight grip. “No way.”

“Geoff! Stop that.” Burnie scolded, pulling Geoff’s hand back.

“I’m just saying, compared to Ray-” He was cut off by Burnie raising his hand, a stern expression creeping into his eyes.

“Yes, thank you Geoff, your input is noted.”

“He’s got the whole weak baby lamb thing going on.” Geoff continued, gesturing to Gavin in a way that made him nothing short of one hundred percent uncomfortable. Gavin knew he wasn't the most solidly built aerialist in the world, and his physique left lots to the imagination but he definitely had muscle definition and _weak lamb_ was nothing like him.

“GEOFF!” Burnie growled, making Gavin leap into the air comically while he tugged his arm out of Geoff’s grip.

“Go see how Jack is doing with Tamara and fix your fucking attitude.” Burnie scolded, shoving Geoff away roughly towards the tent and turning his back to the man. Gavin watched as Geoff span around and flipped him the finger with both hands, his movements slow and lethargic as he slumped away behind the canvas.

“Sorry about Geoff,” Burnie sighed, “He’s an asshole but you’ll get used to him. Just stay strong with his attitude and he’ll warm up to you eventually.” Gavin grumbled under his breath, folding his arms and kicking at the grass beneath his feet. He knew how hard it was to get accepted into a new troupe but he hadn’t expected their ringmaster to be a jerk, usually that was the guy who had that protective kick.

“He’s right though,” Gavin looked up, questioning. “You’ve got some work to go before you’re up to Ray’s standard. These aren’t like your old tricks.” He started walking towards the tent, not looking back even as Gavin stayed where he was, taking a few seconds for his brain to catch up before jogging after him, nearly crashing into a blonde girl carrying a box of popcorn kernels.

“Sorry!” He squealed, cringing beneath the heat of the most devilish glare he had ever seen.

“Use your fucking eyes, jerk.” She snapped, glowering at him.

“Kara!” She turned as a dark haired guy with a bucket of milk in each hand yelled to her from across the grass. The girl - Kara - readjusted the box in her arms, using her knee to support the weight for a few seconds so she could raise her fingers to her eyes and point them at Gavin in a surprisingly threatening ‘I’m watching you’ gesture before taking the box in both arms once more and disappearing around the back of the tent with the guy who had called to her. He gulped and followed Burnies voice as he called back at the young lad to keep up. He wasn’t having the best start so far.

\---

Geoff was right.

That damn mustached asshole was right, he realised as he walked into the large open space of the tent. 

First of all the height of the trapeze was obnoxious, nearly reaching the very top of the highest cupula of the tent, the rigging itself twice as high - if not more - as what Gavin was used to. Even the net below was of a much more substantial quality than his old torn up crisscrossed rope, then again he had much further to fall here.

One of the trapezes was tied tightly to the rigging, the other hanging down from the metal, swinging back and forth above the expanse of the tent while a boy paced small footsteps back and forth on the starting bridge.

The boy on the platform shook out his arms, jiggling his legs to loosen himself up before unhooking the trapeze and leaping into the air. His hands gripping the bar tightly as he pulled himself up, bar resting just by his hips as he pushed for more momentum. Then, in a second, he dropped to one hand, the other arching a circle in the air, graceful as a ballerina as he kicked his legs into a straddle position and arched his back. The lines he was producing were more precise than Gavin had ever seen in his years on the apparatus. Two hands were back on the bar and he swung his legs up in front of him, bending himself in half as he slid them under the trapeze and right up to his face, twisting a complex circle before using the built up momentum to propel himself into a flip, midair, catching the ropes with both hands as his feet touched the bar.

Gavin was in awe. Letting himself get lost in the movements going on above him, he did it again, a tuck, straddle and flip before letting the trapeze swing to a stop and dropping down onto the safety net waiting below. The tent erupted into applause and the young man gave a small, seemingly embarrassed wave to his audience as he jumped down from the net, landing on the soft mat with a light thump. Burnie laughed at Gavins expression, clapping him on the back and raising a hand to wave the man over.

“Close your mouth.” He whispered, chuckling. Gavin tried to gather himself as quickly as he could, closing his open jaw and wiping the look of utter disbelief off his face. What the fuck had he gotten himself into?

“Nice new move, Ray.” Burnie greeted, unfolding his arms to give the young man a thumbs up, which he acknowledged with a blush. The boy - Ray - shrugged, adjusting the thin wire frames on his nose.

“Just something I’ve been working on, thought we could use it on opening night.” His voice was soft, almost childlike in it’s pitch and it surprised Gavin to no end. In fact, his whole appearance confused the Brit. Ray was lean, thin at his waist but his arms were incredibly well toned, as were his legs from what Gavin could see beneath the tight material of his pants. Burnie nodded.

“I wouldn’t say no, it’ll tie in well with the rest of the act. Speaking of which,” He nudged Gavin in the ribs, encouraging him forward. “This is Gavin, your new flying partner.”

Ray studied him for a moment, with the same analysing look that Geoff had given him, one eyebrow raised, and one that only added to Gavins discomfort.

“Hi.” Gavin greeted slowly, not letting his eyes wander away, watching Ray do his thing, obviously deciding what to do with the information he was being offered.

To Gavin’s relief he smiled, a genuine sweet smile, with no hint of sarcasm in his eyes.

“Hey, man! Good to meet you.” He loosened his posture, cocking one knee and holding out a hand, which Gavin shook, surprised by the light grip. Ray flopped back onto the crash mat behind him, leaning back into the crinkled plastic and, stretching so that his back rounded into a well defined arch off the surface, he let out a slow satisfied groan.

“Enough practice for today.” He announced breathily, a yawn forming in his throat. “Come join me on the mat…” He paused, looking slightly guilty for a second and Gavin realised that the boy had forgotten his name already.

“Gavin.”

“Yeah, sorry man, long day. Sit with me Gavin.” Patting the mat beside him he rested back on his hands, arms supporting his weight locked behind him. Feeling unsure, Gavin waited for a beat before he felt a hand pat him on the shoulder and he glanced up questioning at Burnie. 

“Looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about here, I’ll leave you to it. I trust you can show him around after you’re done?” Ray nodded, giving Burnie a thumbs up and a wink.

“Sure thing, Boss.”

“Good, get over there, Gav. Today’s for introductions, getting yourself accustomed to the venue and the way we do things, tomorrow it’s to work with you. You’ve got a lot to work on.” He pushed Gavin enough that he stumbled forward, needing the mat to stop his fall as he lost his footing. He turned around to face the wall as Burnie walked away, already distracted by something on the other side of the tent, and Ray was laughing to his left.

“You sure you’re an acrobat? With that balance?” Gavin slapped his arm lightheartedly, unsure of why he felt so comfortable after just a minute or two with this guy.

“Shut up, Ray.” He scoffed, collapsing back onto the mat with a sigh, it had been a really long day, jet lag was starting to catch up with him and - if he was honest - he was ready to sink into a nice comfortable bed and settle down for a nap.

Gavin could see others milling around from his point of view close to the ground. Two men across the tent, one spinning circles with his face up to the top of the canvas while he tossed juggling clubs high above him, the other stretching his back over a solid blue ball, feet planted on the ground as he stretched his arms down to the ground. He thought he could see Geoff crouched down by a row of coloured chests that lined the far wall while a tall dark haired man gestured in apparent frustration to disorganised piles of equipment under the entryway.

“Don’t fall asleep on me now man.” He was pulled away from his distraction by Ray clicking his fingers in front of his face, and Gavin pulled himself up with a groan, tucking on leg up under him as he faced Ray, who was sitting cross legged on the mat. Clapping his hands once, Ray rubbed them together and drew in a fast inhale.

“Okay so we’re gonna be partners, let’s get to know each other.” Gavin watched two girls pass by the mat, talking animatedly to each other in hushed tones, they paid no mind to the stranger peering up at them, instead disappearing behind a curtain with not even a single glance in his direction. The dark haired one was twirling a metallic purple baton around her hand as she replied to whatever the blonde girl had said and they split up with a wave, going two different directions as they hit the edge of the tent.

“I’m gonna be throwing you around 20 feet in the air after today, you can’t be shy.” Gavin stared at him, realising he hadn’t said anything, suddenly dumbfounded and at a loss for words. What would he say? He’s Gavin...he’s in a circus. What else is there to tell?

“Okay I see how it is...alright I’ll go first.”

“Ray Narvaez,” He held his hand out for Gavin to shake again, the same light grip taking hold of gavins slender hand. “18, been in the circus since birth.” Gavin hummed his interest in response, being born into a circus family must be fucking cool, he thought idly before realising Ray was waiting for something more.

“Now you.” The boy prompted, Gavin letting out a string of _oh, oh!_ pulling himself out of his head enough to remember who he was.

“Uh, Gavin Free. I’m 19 and I joined circus training when I was five, first circus at 16.” Ray made a face, nodding slowly, apparently impressed.

“Sweet. What made you choose Aerial?” Gavin blushed, picking at the hem of his shirt as he looked down at the mat and Rays bare feet, toes curling into the sliver of grass exposed beneath the tent floor.

“I uh...It’s stupid but I wanted to fly.” Ray beamed, clapping his hands together once in excitement, the noise carrying across the tent like a cartoon gunshot.

“Dude, no foul here. That’s awesome! I had the same feeling when my Mom first took me up there.” He pointed to the highest point of the rigging.

“Your Mum was a performer?”

“Yep! Mom was an aerialist like you and me, Dad was a clown. Still is a clown, over in the big leagues, Cirque du Soleil.” Gavin’s jaw dropped. The big leagues was right, Ray’s Dad...in Cirque. Ray laughed at his shocked expression, nodding excitedly and grinning with pride.

“I know right? Mom didn’t mind retiring when Dad got that offer.” Gavin went silent as he thought over how it would feel to grow up in this kind of environment. He basically had, of course, but not to the level that Ray obviously had. The idea of being just a baby surrounded by all this atmosphere was wavering on a thin line between exciting and frightening.

“What about your parents? Are they over here too? What do they do?” Gavin forced himself out of his thoughts and shook his head.

“Oh no, they’re back in England. They’re boring, an accountant and a secretary but they’ve supported me all the way with my Circus ventures so I can’t complain.” Ray hummed in interest.

“You know I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I hadn’t been born into all of this.” Gavin regarded the boy with an attentive glance.

“You think you’d still be performing?”

“I don’t know,” Ray shrugged “maybe. The circus is still pretty prominent around here so I like to think it would have called to me just as much.”

“That’s nice to think.” Ray made an affirmative noise, apparently deep in thought until light footsteps padded up beside them and Ray was pushed backwards off the mat.  

“‘Scuse me, scuse me.” Ray rolled back over his shoulder, falling off the mat with a thump as a guy stood over him, hands out from where he had shoved the boy. He was average height, no taller than Ray and built in a similar way, well built torso and arms but with a slim waist and slender legs. Auburn hair was scruffily brushed back against his head, curling a little at the base, just above his shoulders.  A girl stood beside him, red hair tied back into a high pony and loose sweats covering her slim figure, she was smiling sweetly, resting her arms on the boys shoulders, practically hanging off his back.

“Hello, Michael.” Ray greeted, his back curving as he raised himself to his feet. “Wanna rehearse?”

“If that’s okay with you.” He replied in a snidey voice, laced with mockery. _What an asshole_. Gavin thought.

“Of course, after you, your majesty.” Ray backed away with a dramatic bow, making the man - Michael - laugh loudly and he curtseyed, tipping an invisible hat to them both.

“Grab the silks, babe.” He addressed the girl, she scoffed and rolled her eyes at the command but scurried away to the rigging anyway, limbs moving swiftly as she climbed the heavy metal.

“Who are you?” It took Gavin a moment to realise that Michael was addressing him, he stood calmly, holding out a hand in greeting to the rude man.

“Gavin Free, new aerialist.”

“Really?” Gavin bristled at the condescending tone and Michaels widened eyes, the smug smirk on his lips just like Geoff.

“Yes.”

“What’s with the voice?”

“I’m from England, genius.” Gavin stated bluntly, narrowing his eyes as the guy barked out a laugh and started backing up to the edge of the mat.

“Ooh, got some venom there, alright I can get behind that,” The guy began, stepping up onto the raised up surface below the rigging.

The girl reached the top and unhooked two long thick lengths of flowing red material from the top; they hung down to the floor where Michael was waiting, stroking a hand down the fabric as the girl wrapped one length around her feet and allowed gravity to pull her down, sliding down the fabric like a firemans pole and landing with a soft thump beside Michael.

“Come on,” Ray said quietly, tugging at Gavin’s wrist and pulling him away from the performance edge. “See you later, Michael, Lindsay”

“Bye!” The guy called out in a sing song voice while wrapping one of the long silks around his wrist while Lindsay did the same on hers beside him. waving casually in their direction before returning focus fully to the apparatus.

“So he’s pretty rude.” Gavin huffed and Ray chuckled.

“Michael? No no, well yeah I guess he might seem that way. He’s not though, he’s just cocky.” Ray looked like he was about to say something further, but closed his mouth at the last second, instead watching Michael as he ascended the silk, fabric wrapped around his left foot as he bent his body away from the apparatus in a masterful curve. Gavin could say what he liked about the guys attitude by he looked damn good in the light of the tent.

“I guess this is as good a time as any to show you around.” Gavin had no chance to reply since Ray was already speed walking away towards the guys Gavin had spotted before.

“Miles and Kerry, our clowns.” They waved in unison. Gavin gave a small smile and waved back but they had already turned back to their practice, juggling balls already being tossed between the two of them, taking all of their focus.

“They’re a laugh when you get them going.” Ray promised, “Everyone’s just busy getting prepared, the show opens in two days time.” Gavin nodded in understanding, he knew how it felt to be that close to opening day, the tensions always ran high, especially in a new location with a whole new audience watching their every move.

“I guess it sucks getting a new flyer two days before opening, huh.” Ray took in Gavin’s dejected expression and grabbed his forearm, his touch light and surprisingly intimate as he closed the gap between them, the closeness surprising Gavin.

“Nah, man no way. I don’t think Burnie expects you to take part in this first show, we’ve gotta get a bit more practice in first, but it’s definitely awesome having you here.” Gavin noted the sincerity in Ray’s voice and his eyes yet he couldn’t shake a feeling inside him that told him he might not fit in with this troupe. Not fitting in was devastating for a travelling circus, if tensions were high due to one person that person generally didn’t last long, normally moving on to a different circus. Gavin had seen it happen, a clown joining _Mr Wonderjoy’s_ , no one really got on with him, and he ended up leaving one night, no word just gone suddenly, onto a different troupe. Gavin had moved to another fucking _country_ for this, he couldn’t risk that happening to him.

Ray caught the look in his eyes with a frown, “What’s wrong?” Sighing, Gavin flopped down on the floor, tucking his legs in quickly when a hugely muscled man suddenly tore past, barely missing tripping over the outstretched limbs.  

“I don’t think everyone here is as pleased to have me on board as you.” He admitted quietly. Ray rolled his eyes and glanced around before dropping down to the padded mats to join Gavin. He sat so close to the Brit that their thighs were touching, and he placed a gentle hand on Gavin’s knee, an almost caressing touch soft over his jeans as he spoke.

“Don’t take anything to heart with these guys, Gavin. Most of us have been working together for years. I’ll be the first to admit I’m pretty chill when it comes to new people, but not everyone here is as open as me.”

“Besides, you’ve only met two people, the two biggest assholes in the whole show. Don’t take their word as law.” Gavin only shrugged, he couldn’t find the words to describe how he felt; he understood what Ray was saying but he couldn’t help the itch of discomfort under his skin that just left him out of place.

Suddenly Ray jumped up,“Okay, you wanna do something? You know what you have to do.” Towering over Gavin, he reached out with both hands to urge the lad up from the floor.  

“Fuck their attitude and show them what you can do. It’s the only way you’re gonna win them over.” Gavin narrowed his eyes, shooting nervous glances around at the other performers going about their business.

“What right now?” Ray shrugged, cocking his head to the left and thrusting his hands out again, practically manhandling Gavin to his feet.

“Sure, why not. I’m sure I have some pants that’ll fit you and if not, Kara might.” He whispered the last part, barking out a short laugh when Gavin elbowed him in the ribs sharply.

“Hey!” Gavin squawked and Ray’s hands shot up in defense of himself.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I didn’t expect you to actually know who that was.”

“We met very briefly. She called me a jerk.” Gavin replied bluntly, blushing slightly.

“Sounds like Kara.” Ray said, shaking his head, “So, what do you say? Am I getting you the gear?”

\---

Later in the afternoon, all decked out in skin tight green spandex pants that were just slightly too big on his skinny legs, and a black tank top that he tucked into the waistband of the pants, Gavin approached the ladder. Ray shot him a small thumbs up, smiling and nodding to him as he began to climb. Already people were milling around, coming closer in curiosity of the strange boy in spandex clambering up their equipment. He could see Geoff and Michael out of the corner of his eye, they were both in conversation while making pointed looks over their shoulders at him.

Climbing the ladder felt like the most terrifying thing he had ever done. Which was stupid because he had been doing this for most of his life, up and down the rigging four times a day for three years just for starters. Today his hands were shaking and they gripped the metal; he knew he was good enough, Burnie wouldn’t have invited him to travel halfway across the world if he wasn’t, but having their eyes on him made him doubt himself, more than he ever had before.

Unhooking the trapeze he closed his eyes and let out three slow breaths. Despite being far below and not even that loud, the chatter felt deafening, though he could attribute that to the roaring blood in his ears. He swore he could hear every insulting word, every whispered doubt and dubiety. Regardless he took the bar in hand, flexing his fingers on the smooth metal and let himself fall into his own head, allowing gravity to take him over the edge and into a swing over the ground. He built momentum with his body, getting to a speed where he could start his routine, and he let go with one hand, ready, ready, re-

His hand slipped. He lost his damn grip on the bar, palm sweat lubricating the metal and he plummeted, landing less than gracefully on the net to the sounds of sniggering and he groaned into the elastic.

“Great eye for talent you’ve got there, Burns.” He’d only met the boy once but Gavin could tell that it was Michael, his attitude plainly coming through the sneer in his voice. He heard Ray fight his corner, standing his ground for Gavins reputation but he couldn’t say much, this was the first example he had seen of Gavins performance too. He had lost it, it was his fault and he didn’t need Ray to fight his battles, he had to do as Ray has said, even if he wanted nothing more than to fall through the net and disappear.

_Fuck their attitude and show them._

“Fuck you.” Gavin mumbled, the laughter going silent.

“Fuck you.” He repeated, shaking his head while he climbed to his feet on the net, bouncing over towards the ladder. He was grateful for their silence, using the quiet to refocus his attention on the apparatus before him. He could do this. He had to, 3 years he’s been doing this day in and day out, he could do a simple few tricks for some assholes who didn’t believe in him.

Eyes straight ahead and fingers twitching at his side, he let out a slow breath...and jumped.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks to grape for her continued support.
> 
> Also thank you guys for the comments and kudos on part 1, i hope this continues to make you happy.

Trapeze truly was the closest to flying that Gavin would ever come. That moment between the platform and the bar, when everything is slowed down to the speed of a gentle stream, the air light as a feather and yet so heavy all at once. 

When his palms hit the metal, the adrenaline pumping through his veins thick, he gripped the bar tightly. Calculated routine in his mind he let the momentum take him, letting go with one hand before spinning 180 degrees and taking hold of it again, the air rushing around his body like he was in a wind tunnel. He felt his hands holding tight, his body twisting and turning in the air but he was in his zone, the routine so well known and practised that he could do it blindfolded. Up, down, let go, hold on; all with close precision as he ignored the deafening silence below him. 

The next thing he knew he was hanging from the bar to applause raising up from the ground, letting out a deep breath as he fell to the net he was shocked by arms flying up to wrap around him and a warm body causing him to fall back on his ass.

"You did it." Ray whispered in his ear before pulling back with a wide grin on his face and revealing the cast who had moved closer to the net and were clapping for him while occasionally saying the odd well done. Behind the crowd he could see Burnie, standing back with smug satisfaction and nodded once with a look on his face that told Gavin he was impressed.  
As the crowd dispersed Gavin slid over to the edge of the net, dragging Ray with him who was still hanging off his arm with pride. He received a few pats on the knee since he was too high for shoulder touches, and well meaning comments were passed from mouth to mouth. 

“Not bad.” A deep voice commented and Gavin looked over to see a large ginger man with a bushy beard looking up at him as he ducked past the last of the crew. 

“Thanks…” He trailed off and the man started, holding out a hand.

“Jack.” He supplied and Gavin nodded with a small smile. 

“Thanks, Jack.” 

“Next time maybe you can do it on your _first_ try.” The rude Ringmaster was back, stood between Michael and another new man who Gavin hadn’t met yet, he was blonde, his hair slicked back and he was dressed in a tidy black suit with a deep emerald green shirt. 

“Leave him alone, Geoff.” Ray commented, kicking out one foot to hit the older man jokingly on his shoulder, “Can’t blame the guy for being nervous with you lot watching him.” 

“He’ll have to get over that pretty fucking soon.” Michael noted with a grumble, tugging on Geoffs arm and pulling him away towards the exit. “We’ll see you at the trailer.” The blonde man gave a small wave as they left, before passing the same gesture onto Gavin. 

“I’m Ryan.” Unlike everyone else he had met so far, he didn’t offer Gavin his hand, instead keeping them by his sides when he introduced himself. 

“Gavin.” 

“Don’t mind them.” He advised, gesturing in the direction Geoff and Michael had gone, Ray smiled and gripped Gavins hand.

“I already told him Michael takes some getting used to, didn’t know he’d met Geoff though.” Distracted by the feeling of Rays hand in his, an unusual intimacy from someone he barely knew, he simply shook his head in a dismissive gesture at the guys around him. 

“He thought I was a guest.” Jack shrugged 

“Fair point. It’s been months since anyone new has joined the troupe.” 

“He could be nicer.” Ryan reasoned, patting Gavins knee with a cupped palm and shooting the young man a supportive grin. “But he’s still Geoff.” 

Ray nodded, letting go of Gavins hand and sliding off the net to the floor before reaching out gesturing for Gavin to do the same. “We should get your stuff into the trailer.” Gavin agreed, though with a quick glance around as he hopped off the net, he realised he had no idea where his stuff had gone. He had only arrived with a small rucksack but he hadn’t brought it with him when Burnie led him in. 

“It’s probably still in Burnie’s car.” Jack commented, picking up Gavin’s train of thought and turning in the direction of the front entrance. “I’ll go grab it for you, you guys go ahead.” 

“You’re very quiet.” Ryan observed as they walked, hands in his pockets and he wasn’t looking at Gavin when he spoke. “I’m not used to circus folk being so…” He took his hands away from his sides and waved them in a swirling gesture in front of him as if he could pluck his thoughts out of the air to fill the space. Ray laughed. 

“Like you?” Ryan clapped and pointed his hands at the pair, the limbs held in a form which made them look like guns. 

“Yes! exactly like me actually. I’m usually the one with not much to say and now here you are.” The older man was ahead of them now, walking backwards and gesturing to all of Gavins self, his eyes bright in the sunlight overhead. 

“I guess I’m just nervous? New places and people and all that” Gavin replied with a shrug and accepted the arm that was slung over his shoulder from Ray’s side. 

“We’ll soon fix that, Gav! We’ll get you laughing in no time.” They picked up their pace as they approached a line of trailers. As with most things he had seen so far in this Circus, everything was bigger, and there were definitely a lot more parked up buildings than Gavin had known before. Once stuck in two small pokey rusty old caravans with half of his crew while the other half took a similar one immediately next to them, this troupe had a line of seven vans, long and tall with pulled-down wooden steps leading up to the doors. They were all painted weirdly, basic black as a base and then splattered with colours in various patterns and shapes, names dotted around the space in individual styles of handwriting. 

The one they were approaching had mostly green and white splattered across it, with a few hand prints climbing up the far left in orange, red and blue. The door was central, offset against two dimmed out windows with half open blinds pulled down over the glass inside. 

“Home sweet home.” Ray announced, bounding up the stairs and swinging open the door with a brief exclamation of “Hello, boys!” Gavin looked right to see Ryan shaking his head in semi-embarrassment but with a hint of fondness in his voice as he encouraged Gavin inside.  
“You all live here?” He asked as he noticed Geoff and Michael on the couch together and Ray plonking himself down on the arm right beside them. 

“Yep, this is ours. Yours now too.” Ryan noted, ambling into the trailer and collapsing next to Michael before looking up and realising there was less space on the couch for Gavin, no space in fact. 

“Hey, move over, let Gavin sit down.” Ryan shoved Michael, though the redhead refused to move, folding his arms with a smirk on his face. Gavin rolled his eyes and made to take a free spot on the floor, beside the small TV on the counter opposite the couch. 

_Fuck me if I have to live with this guy._

“No, no I’m good, I can sit on the floor.” Taking pity on him, Geoff grasped Michael around the waist, roughly tugging him until he scrambled back and sat directly onto the older mans lap. 

“Don’t worry about it, he can sit here, can’t you Mikey?” Michael pouted but settled against Geoffs chest anyway, grasping Geoffs hands and drawing the man’s arms around him. Gavin planted himself down on the couch beside Ryan, awkwardly placing his hands on his knees, not knowing what to do with himself in the new environment. 

“Don’t pull faces, you love it.” Geoff whispered into his companions ear while lightly caressing the exposed skin above his hip where his shirt had ridden up. Gavin frowned, watching Michael smile and nuzzle into Geoffs neck like...well like a lover. 

Wait. 

“You two…?” He approached slowly, subconsciously leaning around the man beside him to get a better look at the couple. 

“Yep.” Michael replied bluntly, suddenly sitting straighter as if ready to defend himself. 

"I thought you and..." 

"Lindsay? Because we perform together?" Michael scoffed, “Two people can be close without dating, dude. Do you have a problem with this?” He asked coldly, gesturing to himself and Geoff. Gavin immediately jumped to shaking his head and making a point of saying no, no over and over. He wasn’t about to yell out that his first date had been a guy, as well as his second and third too, in fact everyone he had ever dated. He was gay. He definitely wasn’t one to have a problem with male on male affection. 

“Good.” 

“Because we’re all dating.” Gavin’s eyes opened comically wide as he shot a look at Ray who was meekly looking down at him, a silent conversation passed between the two, ending in a slow nod from Ray and a breathy drawn out _whoa_ from Gavin. He’d never met anyone in a - what was the name for that kind of partnership - multi-person relationship. It always seemed like one of those things you read about but never actually see and it was like some kind of double rainbow shit going on in front of his eyes right then and there. 

Silence hung in the air like a storm cloud, four apprehensive sets of eyes watching him carefully. Gavin gulped, feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny, unaware that his silence was giving them all the completely wrong impression. The silence was broken when Jack burst through the door, Gavins rucksack in his hand. 

“Here you go, I’ve got yo-guys?” He stopped dead, obviously feeling the tension in the room and taking in the sight of his four roommates - boyfriends - eyeing the new guy with caution. 

“I’m in the circus, I’ve seen weirder.” A collective sigh of relief washed over the trailer as Gavin shrugged and leaned back against the couch, catching Ray’s eye around the back of the others he grinned,chuckling at his thankful look. 

“Well, good to get that out of the way from the start?” Jack observed, dropping Gavins bag at his feet and wandering over to the kitchenette, pulling a beer out of a deep, blue cooler beside the sink he popped the cap off and leaned against the counter. “You would have found out sooner or later, since there’s only one bed in here.” 

Gavin’s head snapped up, taking in their neutral expressions with shock on his own. They didn’t mean he’d be…

“You’ll be sleeping on the couch until we get a spare bed brought in.” Ray assured him and, Jesus Christ, these guys were good at reading his mind, it was almost uncanny. 

“I heard you’ve got a new routine for opening.” Ryan commented suddenly to Ray, quickly changing the subject and shifting the attention away from Gavin which he was grateful for. As Ray went into explaining his new idea, animatedly describing what he had come up with that day, Gavin was forgotten about, perched on the edge of the couch, nothing more than a prop in the background. 

He wasn’t expecting them to fall in love with him, platonically of course, to accept him into the group as one of their own from the word go; but he had expected more than this, he was used to the comforting conversation of home and he missed that. 

Eventually they wound down for the evening, it was early, only nine but they all knew tomorrow would be a big day, both preparing for opening night and getting their new flyer into training properly. The five guys disappeared into the bedroom at the end of the trailer, closing the door to Gavin and leaving him to his own devices on the couch. There he listened to the rustling sheets and muffled chatter filtering through the flimsy door until it went silent, replaced with the sound of traffic in the distance and a breeze blowing against the trailer walls. 

For a long time he stared up at the ceiling, every chance he thought he had at falling asleep was plucked out of his grasp by someone passing the trailer, making loud exclamations and laughter that broke into Gavins subconscious. 

After a while he gave up, standing from the couch to quietly open up the door and allowing himself a deep breath of the cool air outside. Intending to take a walk around the tent, he drifted off in that direction when a glint in the corner of his eye caught his attention. The trailer had a ladder, thin but solid, attached to the right side that led all the way up to the roof; the metal was cold on his palms as Gavin swiftly made his way up with a light footed grace that only came from years of ascending circus structures.

On the roof of the trailer, alone in the darkness, Gavin finally had time to reflect on his manic first day. He was tired, the jetlag in his system begging him to get some sleep but the thoughts and feelings were racing at top speed through his brain not letting him get even close to thinking about going back in to rest. At this time everyone had gone into their trailers, no one hanging around the back yard and most of the lights scattered around the grounds had been extinguished, leaving the area in a lingering darkness. All Gavin could feel was loneliness, he found himself thinking about _Mr Wonderjoy’s,_ about his friends back home that would be setting up for a performance right now, probably just finishing off the matinee and preparing for the evening show. For the first time since leaving home for the big top four years ago, he felt homesick. 

He heard footsteps climbing the ladder that broke him out of his headspace, creaking on the metal rungs as someone came to the top. He blinked through the darkness to see a mop of auburn hair appear from the side, followed by the rest of the man as Michael hauled himself up onto the roof. Gavin said no word of greeting as the man crawled over the surface and came to rest right next to him, sitting with his feet dangling off the edge and his attention straight forward across the landscape before them. 

They sat in rather comfortable silence for a while, Gavin wasn’t sure if he was going to say anything but he figured he should let the guy enjoy his own space; both that and he didn’t feel up to any snark at that moment. 

“The last guy to join us as an aerialist nearly killed Ray.” Michaels soft voice surprised him, they had been sat in silence for so long that Gavin had almost forgotten he was there. He turned to look at the man but he was still looking over the back yard, hands twisted together in his lap. 

“Ray didn’t give a shit, he’s Ray, But it scared the fuck out of the rest of us.” 

“Wha-” Gavin croaked, coughing to clear the dryness he tried to find his voice again.“What happened?” Michael set his face to a shadowed glare into the darkness.

“He was cocky, tried to make out that he was better than he was. Talked Ray into trying a trick with him… admittedly that wasn’t hard, Ray’s up for anything.” The laugh that left his lips was genuine, a stoic expression washing the joy off his face. “He couldn’t even get halfway through his own routine.” The lad bit his lip, casting his eyes down to his hands with a grimace and Gavin could practically see the memories swirling around behind his eyes. 

“I don’t pretend to be an expert at trapeze, all I know is ten seconds later Ray hit the floor with the most horrifying noise I have ever heard and he didn’t move. It took us a half hour to wake him and he was in the hospital for over a week. None of us will let that happen again.” The voice became clearer and Gavin noticed Michael watching him carefully, his lips set in a thin line and a serious stare analysing Gavin, letting him know there was no room for error with him. 

“I’m not like that.” Gavin promised, not sure what else he could say in the situation. Michael had no reason to trust him, they’d only known each other for a few hours and so far all he had really seen was Gavin falling on his ass. “I know my limits.” He corrected and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping an art tightly around them and using his free hand to scratch the back of his neck nervously. 

“You won’t hurt him.” _Not a question._ Gavin shook his head. 

“Never.” 

Michael studied him for a minute, and Gavin could practically see the cogs working in his brain as he made his mind up about his new roommate. Finally he nodded, worrying his lip between his teeth as he did. 

“Okay.” 

Gavin sighed in relief and they lapsed back into silence, the only sounds coming from the light breeze rustling the trees surrounding the circus. The air had cooled to a more bearable level now, though still a good 10 degrees or so more than he had ever felt in England, and he let the air wash over him as he stared up at the bright crescent moon overhead. 

“What brings you out here anyway?” Gavin shrugged when Michael spoke again, leaning forward subconsciously with fatigue now that jet lag really was hitting him hard.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Michael pursed his lips in sympathy and nodded. 

“I get it, it was hard when I first moved out here too.” Gavin snorted. 

“Immediate hostility didn’t exactly help.” To his defense, Michael did look guilty at that, a cloudy remorse washing over his expression. 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. That’s kinda why I wanted to come out and tell you about that asshole, I have my reasons.” Leaning sideways he bumped shoulders with Gavin in jest, “Plus asshole is a personality trait of mine, what can I say? I was born that way.” The smile on his face suited him, it was genuine and soft rather than the snide smirk he had displayed earlier, it felt more like it belonged there. 

“Geoff’s sorry too, he won’t admit it but he liked your little demonstration.” 

“Really?” 

“Sure, you look like you know what you’re doing, I’ll give you that.” Gavin smiled and gave a one sided shrug. 

“Thanks, I’ve trained for a long time.” Michael regarded him with one eyebrow raised.

“We all have.” He whispered dramatically and let out another friendly laugh; he wrapped an arm around Gavin and gave him a small side hug to make sure Gavin knew he was joking. 

“You’re going to want to at least try and sleep. You’ll start training tomorrow and it’s not going to be easy work.” Gavin nodded in affirmation as Michael withdrew the arm from around his shoulders. Together they slid over to the ladder, Michael going down first, followed by Gavin and they said a short goodnight to each other before they entered the trailer. 

Gavin sank down onto the couch, letting his head fall back on the arm and his eyes close as peace washed over him and he listened to the rustling of Michael settling back into the bed in the other room as his brain finally shut off for the night. 

He didn’t wake again until some hours later. 

\---

Gavin awoke abruptly to an ass on his face. 

“Time to get up, fucknugget!” Michaels high pitched wake up call was nothing like Gavin had heard the day before and, regardless of the pulsing behind his eyes and the fog over his brain, it made him want to get up off the couch… if only the fucker on top of him would move. 

“Gerroff!” He pushed up with his hands, shoving at the body on top of him which fell off to the side, shaking with giggles and Gavin blinked his eyes to see Michael rolling around on the floor with laughter while Ryan tried to yank him up and Jack stood by the TV shaking his head and smiling fondly at them. 

“At least he didn’t fart on you. That’s his usual wake up welcome.” Ray grumbled from the side and Gavin sat up to him holding out a mug of steaming coffee with a tired smile. Gavin took it with gratitude, ignoring the fact that it was painfully hot, he gulped down a few mouthfuls and sighed as his body woke up fully, his spine popping all the way down as he sat up and stretched. 

In the Circus it’s all about the early starts. More often than not you would find yourself up at the asscrack of dawn, dressed in training gear and expected to be more than ready to start preparations. Whether it be a show day or not. In his old Circus a morning started with a light breakfast, tea or coffee around the trailer, before lining up inside the top where their director would give them a planned out schedule for rehearsal or performance which they followed to a T. 

Gavin rubbed the crusty sleep from his eyes as he ambled down the steps out of the trailer, 6 AM the clock on the wall read, it would be fine if it wasn’t still one in the fucking morning in his head. Timezones were definitely bullshit and Gavin could kick jetlag’s ass. 

Michael was faring as well as him, he’d stopped Jack just outside the door and was now hanging off the mans back with his legs wrapped firmly around Jack’s waist, near enough falling asleep against his back.

He had learnt that Geoff was not a morning person, practically crawling along at the back of the group, he had already slapped an enthusiastic dark haired man round the back of the head when he came bounding up from one of the trailers behind. Far from perturbed, he had leapt back to his feet in a, quite impressive, single movement and was now following at a safe distance with the rest of the baggy clothed zombies to where Burnie was waiting for them. As the others moved forward, Ray hung back, pulling on Gavins loose tee to get his attention.

“Thanks for being cool about me and the guys.” He whispered, the sparkle in his eyes portraying his relief that he wouldn’t be stuck with a homophobic partner, or even just an asshole. 

“No problem, Ray. I think it’s great that you guys can make that work.” 

Ray laughed breathily, his arms moving to encircle Gavin’s waist in a friendly gesture “It’s not easy! Well you’ve seen what I’m dealing with.” 

Ryan had obviously been listening from the front as he stopped dead causing Ray to crash into his back. giggling childishly when he started walking again, he said serves you right in a hushed tone while Ray rubbed his nose and fixed his glasses back into place. 

“Morning guys.” Burnie greeted as they approached, all simultaneously dropping to the grassy ground with matching groans. Michael let out a disgruntled sound as he was dropped from Jack’s back onto his back. Gavin giggled at the bickering that immediately broke out, then felt a hand tugging his and looked down to see Ray blearily yanking at him from his spot on the floor. Flopping down too, Gavin ended up with his head practically in Rays lap and his legs somewhere near kicking Ryan who was just in front. 

Once they were all settled, Burnie addressed them lazily,“Just to get this out of the way, I know we all saw his awesome demonstration yesterday but I guess I should let him say hi. Gavin Free, new aerialist. Be nice.” All eyes turned first to Geoff at the instruction and then to Gavin. Then, simultaneously, they all yelled out a multitude of hello’s and various high pitched, slightly sarcastic, greetings until Burnie held up his hands and they gradually hushed back to a lazy quiet.

“Okay okay that’s enough. First show of the town, blah blah blah you know the drill, don’t eat too much and get to rehearsing by 7.” He waved dismissively to them and slumped lazily back in the direction of the closest trailer where another dark haired man stood waiting. Gavin looked over at the group as they raised from their positions on the floor and ambled over to the slow cooking barbeque where a stack of paper plates and plastic cutlery in a cleaned out ice cream pot were waiting for them. 

Ray fetched him a plate, picking out sausages, bacon, and some very well cooked toast onto two plates before returning, though Geoff immediately reached out to take Rays food and was greeted with a plastic fork to his knuckles. The man rubbed them in mock pain, howling and sniffling jokingly when he crawled away to get his own plate. Gavin picked at his own food, his stomach feeling unsettled as he found himself once again the centre of attention, everyone distracted by their breakfasts but still keeping a side eye on their new team member. 

“Quick rundown?” Gavin looked up as Ray nudged him, gesturing around with his fork and Gavin agreed quietly, chewing down part of his bacon while Ray shuffled back so he could address everyone. 

“You’ve met Miles, Kerry.” Gavin nodded to the two of them, Kerry waved with a sausage in his hand, which went flying off the plastic fork in the direction of where Lindsay and few other girls were sitting, they yelled out abuse while Miles slapped him around the head with the wad of bacon he grabbed from the tray of food resting on a table beside them.

Gesturing to the girls who had pulled their attention away from the clowns as if nothing had happened, he continued. “Lindsay you’ve met, Barbara, Caiti, Ashley, Arryn and well, you sort of met Kara.” All Gavin received from that acknowledgement was a raised eyebrow and a ‘water under the bridge’ shrug from the blonde girl who he had crashed into the day before. The others waved in his general direction but carried on eating the food they had gathered. 

“Caleb, Chris, Brandon, Monty, Kdin, Adam, Jordan and Blaine.” Ray pointed to the last cluster of people in quick succession ending on the beefy, heavily muscled man who Gavin vaguely recognised from his first day. Again the acknowledgements were lazy and halfhearted but they were friendly none the less. 

“Of course there’s the crew guys that are too lazy to join us this early, Matt, Gus, you’ll meet them eventually. Kyle, Patrick and JJ are around somewhere, probably fixing up inside,” Ray finished around a mouthful of food, blushing apologetically when a spatter of toast fragments landed on the floor by Gavin’s feet. He wiggled his fingers around for a moment, holding his hands in front of him as he focused on counting off everyone on the digits before deciding that, yes, he had everyone. 

“Where are you from then, Gavin Free?” One of the girls - Caiti maybe - asked, taking a long sip of her drink keeping her eyes fixed on him. She had a soft accent, definitely not American, Australian probably and she studied him intently through her thick rimmed glasses. 

“London.” his reply was met with sounds of interest and intrigue and gave Gavin comfortable butterflies in his stomach.

“I’ve always wanted to go to London.” One of the guys commented, getting to his feet to gather more food from the grill, and just like that he was accepted in.

Everyone lapsed into a comfortable silence after that, barely talking between mouthfuls of food until the sun was officially up and Burnie reemerged from his trailer with a guy Gavin remembered seeing on his first day and a tall, very skinny man who was suffering serious bed head, either that or his thick dark hair was just always that way. 

“Matt, Gus.” Ray whispered, pointing to each in turn as they stood and people started filtering into the Tent; Kara, Jordan and Kdin hung back, packing away the grill and trash with slow lethargic movements. 

The inside of the tent had dramatically changed since he had been in there the night before. The rows of red plastic seating had been installed all around the perimeter of the, now fully assembled, menage ring; no less than 1000 seats spread out around the arena with under-lit stairs climbing up the the top row. The ring itself was raised about a foot from the ground, panels painted black and fluted with red and gold. Solid flooring had been fixed into place inside the menage and the rigging was littered with tiny lights all the way up, large coloured spotlights pointed down onto the centre, and Gavin could see the shadow of someone up high above the entryway from backstage, fiddling with the electrics as the lights and music were tested. Blaine had wandered over to two other men to assist them with raising the huge, intricately painted, wooden panel that fit over the curtained doorway below the lights coordinator. 

_RoosterTeeth Travelling Circus,_ was painted in large, white block letters with cartoon like depictions of each of the acts artistically scattered around the words.  
Ray called out to him from below the trapeze and Gavin drew his attention away from the bustling men, rolling up his sleeves as he stepped up onto the ring and jogged across to where Ray was waiting. The boy was sat with his legs spread out to the side in an almost split-like position, his torso arching in a perfect line as he stretched side to side, almost touching his toes with his head and the rest of his body lining up perfectly with his legs. 

“So what happened between you and Michael?” He asked as Gavin began to warm up his own muscles, circling his arms around like windmills and turning his upper torso to free out the tension in his back.

“Hmm?”

Sitting up and leaning back on his elbows, Ray studied him. “Yesterday he was his hostile old self with you but today the first thing he says when he wakes up? Let’s go wake Gavin.” Gavin shrugged, leaning down to stretch out his spine, his hands grazing the mat below. 

“We had a talk.” Was he meant to tell Ray that he knew about the boys near death experience? It all seemed so tucked away, like Michael telling him had been a huge thing. Instead he leaned into lunges and said nothing more. 

“Must have been a good talk.” Ray replied suspiciously, but letting it go dismissively while finishing off his own exercises. 

“Hey! Guys! Get the fuck up there, you’re wasting everyone’s time.” Startled by Michael’s yell from across the tent Gavin scrambled towards the ladder with Rays laughter echoing behind him as his partner stalked gracefully to his own side. 

\---

“So, since there’s two of us now, we need to incorporate some two person tricks into this routine.” Ray commented as he swung back and forth on the trapeze as if it were a play park swingset. Gavin, who was sitting cross legged on the starting bridge, brushed chalk on his hands, rubbing the soft white substance into the creases of his palms. 

Before he could reply there was a shout. 

Gavin watched as the dark haired girl from the morning, wearing nothing but short shorts and a green tank top raced across the length of the ring, her arms waving madly as she approached the end of the ring where Jack, Ryan and Geoff were resting, back against the canvas. 

She gestured wildly for a few seconds, her gaze shifting behind her with almost every word she was apparently speaking and, before Gavin knew it, Jack was up from the floor and sprinting after her as they disappeared out of the main entrance. Gavin shot a startled look to Ray, who shrugged and lowered himself down from the net as Geoff beckoned them over to where Ryan and he were slowly ambling out in the direction that Jack and the girl had gone. Gavin dropped down, following after him and Geoff picked up his pace a bit once they were all together. 

“Tamara’s out.” He said with a bit of excitement and it wasn’t until Ray gasped dramatically and hissed “Tamara is Jack’s Lion.” to him that Gavin realised Geoff seemed a bit too excited considering. 

“How did she get out?” Ray asked quickly, stumbling along as they rounded the corner to see the rest of the performers hanging back nervously and Jack a few feet in front of them with a fully grown, albino Lioness standing tall and broad, her ears pricked up in awareness and her stance strong just out of reach of the bearded man. 

“Kara and Arryn were cleaning the cages and she got loose,” Geoff explained with a shrug, watching the exchange between man and beast intently. “Come on Jack.” He whispered under his breath and Gavin found himself holding his own as Tamara bared her teeth in warning and leaned ever so slightly in Jack’s direction, her front paws digging into the ground as if about to pounce. 

In the nervous hush all Gavin could hear was a soft sound that he couldn’t quite place. It sounded somewhat like water or a kettle hissing on the stove but it was drowned out when Michael crept up behind Ray, startling both him and Gavin with a loud exclamation. 

“What’s happen- ohhhhhh.” He popped up beside them like a damn meerkat, hands perched like paws on Rays right shoulder, “No wonder everyones out here!”

“Shhhh.” Ray hissed urgently as eyes flicked to them before returning to the spectacle before them. It was with that sound that Gavin realised what he could hear in the air. It was shushing. Jack was making hushed soothing shushing sounds in Tamaras direction, not saying a single word as he took step after step close to the agitated Lioness. The Brit could feel his pulse speed up with every inch closer that Jack moved, arms raised in a non threatening gesture. 

Suddenly she jolted, large beast raising up on her hind legs and making a dart towards the trainer stood before her. Gavin gasped and made to jump forward, not sure what he or anyone else could do but it was his natural instinct to try and protect, no matter how stupid the notion was. He was stopped, however, when an arm wrapped around him from behind and a voice whispered “Wait…” calmly into his ear. Gavin could see Jack steeling himself in preparation for the next few moments, whatever happened. 

“TAM!” Jack roared, hands outstretched in front of his body when Tamara came within inches of his touch. The area was silence, no one daring to breathe. 

Tamara stopped in her tracks, letting out a growl that Gavin could only describe as frustrated, and stepped back in submission, her head bent low. Gavin choked on his following breath when Jack placed a steady hand into the fur on the lionesses large head, calmly stroking down past her ears as she kept her head bowed. 

“You can all go now.” Gavin barely caught the soft spoken instruction but the rest did, or he assumed they did as they started to disperse, disappearing away into the tent with a rehearsed quiet, their eyes never leaving Jack as he started to nudge Tamara back in the direction of the enclosure where the Lioness lived, a roomy caged area around the back of the the tent. As soon as the gate was closed and locked Ray tackled Jack, swinging him nearly all the way round and throwing them off balance. 

“I’m okay, Ray.” Jack laughed, wrapping his arms around Ray, and patting his back supportively. 

“That’s the closest you’ve come, I thought she trusted you?” The lad mumbled shakily into Jacks shirt. 

“She does trust me, that's why I'm still alive. We may have a bond with each other but she’s still a Lioness, she’s a natural predator.” Jack explained sensibly. Gavin hung back, not sure if he was meant to go back to the tent with everyone else, it looked like a _boyfriends only_ moment to him but, as he made to back away, Michael subtly placed a hand to his lower back, stopping him. 

“You’re fine.” He whispered, his eyes trained front but the sparkle in his gaze making Gavin relax into the - strangely intimate - touch. 

“Still, you’ve got to be more careful.” Ray pouted but his words were serious, Jack barked out a laugh anyway, his large hand patting the middle of Rays back firmly. 

“Trust me love, I know what I’m doing.” Ray huffed but held on tighter either way. 

When Ray finally let go and the others had had enough of the waiting Jack turned to the cage and waved them away dismissively. “You guys go back inside, I have to stay here for a while, I’m gonna spend some time with her.” He wasn’t looking at them as he said it, more focused on the lioness sprawled out on the floor with her eyes fixed on her trainer. Ryan nodded in understanding and Geoff clapped a hand on Jack's shoulder before the two walked away. Ray tucked himself against his boyfriend’s back, nuzzling against the crook of his neck and squeezing his hand; waving goodbye out of Jack’s line of sight, he dragged Gavin away by the loose sleeve of his shirt.

“Sometimes I hate dating a lion tamer.” He said in a hushed tone, glancing back at Jack, and Gavin could see that Michael had stayed behind, sitting a fair distance away. His legs stretched out in front of him, and elbows locked behind him, Gavin could feel the supportiveness bleeding off him and it gave him butterflies. 

“I’m surprised you guys have one, all the troupes in my area had their lion acts banned.” Gavin pondered with his hands in his pockets as he strolled along beside Ray back through the foyer. 

“There aren’t any laws yet, but what Jack does isn’t whips and violence. It’s something else, we call it Lion Dancing.” Gavin shot him a confused glance and cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes, questioning. 

“You’ll see.” Ray replied with a smirk. 

\---

By the end of the day Gavin was ready to collapse to the floor and not bother moving again for a week. Sore and aching in places he hadn’t realised could hurt, he dropped to the net for the last time while Ray giggled childishly at the groans the Brit was making while he crawled to the edge of the net and hung upside down from the netting. His muscles were crying more than they had even through his training many years ago, sweat rolled down his - now shirtless - back, and there were blisters on his hands from the vigorous routine Ray had him rehearsing.

Together they had managed to put together a whole new routine, one that would be put in place once Gavin could be given the go ahead to perform in an actual show, but would be put on the back burner while Ray continued on his own. It was intricate, fast paced, and a hell of a lot more thrilling than anything Gavin had ever attempted in the past, requiring skills Gavin had only days to perfect. It would be tough. Then again Gavin had waited for 13 years for this moment, and it wasn’t getting wasted for anything. 

He watched from the mat as Michael unravelled himself from the silks, sliding down the soft material and landing with a soft thud on the ground. He ran a hand through his sweat dampened curls and took a long pull of water from the flask he had left on the floor, while Lindsay finished off her practise, limbs tangled in red while she twisted and turned at an unrelenting speed, tumbling down and down before stopping herself literally inches from the ground, face down and lips parallel to the ground. Michael gave her a polite round of clapping, as did Ryan who was seated on a cooler just the other side of the ring. 

Gavin hadn’t seen him leave that morning, he had been up before anyone else and had only appeared for a brief moment to attend Jacks incident before vanishing with Geoff. Gavin hadn’t really thought about it but, from what he had seen of rehearsals around him, he could tell you what nearly everyone at RoosterTeeth did, but he couldn’t begin to guess Ryans. The man hadn’t done anything yet, not that Gavin could see anyway, and it intrigued him to no end. Letting his curiosity get the better of him, he sat up and nudged Ray. 

“Hey, Ray?” The lad made a noise of acknowledgement but didn’t look up from his place on the mat, “What exactly does Ryan do? We’ve been here all day and I haven’t seen him do a single thing.” Ray sat up too, following Gavins line of sight to where Ryan was sitting, Michael had taken up the empty space on the man’s lap, arms draped around Ryan’s shoulders. They both gave a small wave across the space when they noticed the attention coming from the net. 

“Ryan doesn’t rehearse when people are around.” Ray stated with a shrug, as if it were obvious, “He likes to keep everything hushed. That’s what makes his act even better.” Gavin made a gesture asking for more, specifically the answer to his actual question. 

“He’s an illusionist. Not a magician.” He added quickly, “Just to clarify. He’s definitely an illusionist.” Gavin hummed and cast his eyes back over, impressed. The clowns at _Mr Wonderjoy’s_ had done the occasional card trick but Gavin had never met an actual magi- _illusionist,_ his brain corrected. Even at the shows he had seen as a child there had been nothing more than a guessing game at best, and the magicians at the academy had been on a different schedule to him. 

It was nothing more than pure instinct for Gavin to flop on top of Ray when the two returned to the trailer and the boy collapsed to the couch with an exhausted sigh. He grunted when Gavin’s skinny body landed on top of him but he made no move to throw the weight off, instead closing his eyes and letting his arms fold over the side of the couch, his breaths slow and heavy underneath Gavin’s back. 

“Here one day and already trying to steal our boyfriend.” Michael joked as he threw open the door and tossed a pile of stuff into the corner with a thump. 

Too exhausted to jump up or even lift his head Gavin settled for groaning pathetically and wriggling his body weakly while Michael and now Jack, as the man entered the trailer too, chuckled and headed for the bedroom, pouring out a glass of water as they passed through the kitchenette. Gavin was surprised when a sleepy Ray lifted his arms from the couch to wrap them around him, holding him close like a teddy bear. 

“I’m keeping him.” He mumbled into Gavin’s neck, even though the others were behind a closed door. 

Despite the cramp in his spine from the position, Gavin managed to fall asleep like that, sprawled out over the younger boy and not even waking when Ryan and Geoff returned to the trailer. In the middle of the night he sleepily blinked at the darkness and licked his lips, Ray was no longer underneath him and instead he had been straightened out on the couch and a blanket tucked around his waist. He just caught the sound of light footsteps and a door closing with a quiet click before the trailer was silent again and Gavin’s eyes drooped shut again. 

\---

The whole day of opening was the same craziness and mix between manic excitement and panic that Gavin knew and loved. From the moment he stepped out of the trailer he could sense the difference in the atmosphere, not a single person was slumping around, shuffling their feet or drifting slowly. Today they were bright eyed and bushy tailed as they grabbed up glasses of smoothies that the crew members had set out for them in place of the grill; there was also a bowl of various fruits and a stack of granola bars on the end that emptied quickly with every visitor to the table. No one paid Gavin much attention as they bustled around the tent throughout the morning, preparing for the 8PM show. After this day the shows would change schedule to a 1PM matinee and an evening performance at 7PM, but for the first day it was just a single show that would get people talking. 

That first night he got to see a performance he also got to see everyone change. sweats and t-shirts swapped for glitzy tight costumes, faces made up with glitter and striking paints. The transformation from ‘average Joe’ to ‘circus performer’ was one that Gavin knew very well, having gone through the make up and costume process every night for almost five years, this show had style he couldn’t have dreamt up if he tried. Gavin flitted from trailer to trailer glancing through windows and open doors as everyone wandered around in tight suits and smudged bright make up on their faces, glitter sparkling in the mirrors reflections. He wanted to avoid getting in the way at all costs, even avoiding Ray and the other guys’ trailer completely, he was getting on better with them now than he had to begin with but he wasn’t about to push his luck. 

As Gavin made his way down the row, back towards the tent he spotted Kara leaning against one of the trailer doors, knocking periodically and calling out for Arryn to hurry the fuck up. She was dressed ready for opening, a corset around her torso, black and white pin-striped with a lacy red trim. Hey layered tulle skirt fluffed out around her, each layer a different bright color - reds, teals, pinks - all shifting around with every movement she made as she huffed and puffed by the door. 

“Gavin?” He turned sharply away from the curtain to see one of the men from earlier, the one with the messy bed hair style, striding towards him. He wracked his brains for a moment, trying to grapple at the memory of the guys name from the day before. A light flicked on in his head just as they came nearly chest to chest. 

“Gus?” He nodded, _phew! right name._

“Matt and Burnie want you watching from the audience for tonight, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to backstage, but out there is important.” Gus handed Gavin a glitzy ticket, black with _ADMIT ONE_ in bold silver lettering, “You can line up with everyone else out there once they arrive, get a feel for the whole experience.” Gavin meant to reply but Gus had already moved away, grabbing Patricks attention and directing him away around the corner. 

As Gavin made his way around to the front entrance, where cars were already filling the grassy space that had been roped off for that purpose, he held the ticket tightly between his fingertips. It had been nearly eight years since he had actually been a member of the audience at a circus show, swapping the plastic seat for backstage benches ages ago. The academy had taken them on the odd field trip within the city but he couldn’t remember exactly the last one he had been to. 

Kara tore his ticket with a glittering pink smile and pointed him inside as she would any other visitor, though with a nudge and a wink that followed. He located his seat and parked himself onto the chair beside a slender brunette woman with a kid at her side; they had a collection of popcorn boxes, cotton candy and drinks in their laps and the kid looked so far into a sugar high that Gavin wasn’t sure he’d get through the performance in one piece. The rows steadily filled up as, one by one, the seats were taken until, eventually, the big top was filled with the roaring sounds of one voice trying to overlap another a thousand times, and rustling food packets. 

The discussions and chattering stopped as soon as the light went down and an almost every instrumental track began to play from the speakers. 

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to RoosterTeeth Circus’ first show here in Austin!” Burnie’s voice echoed over the music, Gavin could see him stood by JJ - who he had learnt was the one working the lights - up in the box above the backstage entrance. “May I please remind everyone that, while photography is banned I know some of you won’t be able to resist, just be aware that flash photography is strictly prohibited as it can be dangerous to our performers. Please keep children away from ringside and, other than that, enjoy the show!” 

There was a click as the mic shut off before the main lights dimmed to black and JJ flicked on the main spotlights, illuminating the ring with stark white. Polite applause broke out through the audience when the curtains parted for the first time and Geoff, decked out in his ringmaster get-up, strolled out into the centre of the ring. He had forgone the classic red and black, swapping it instead for a deep emerald green lined with braided white and gold around the trims. Smudged black lined his eyes, pulling focus to his bright blue eyes and makeup-paled face. The audience continued to applaud in welcome until he raised a hand towards them and pressed a finger to his lips to silence them, the only sound left being the hum from the feedback in the speakers and the occasional child whispering in a few of the rows. 

“Yes welcome welcome, pleasure to be here, pleasure to see you all…” Never had Gavin heard a ringmaster sound so apathetic yet, for this man, it seemed to work. In fact, it was hard to imagine him doing anything else. “Tonight you’ll see some of the best Circus performance that you’ll ever feast your eyes upon, I’m probably not exaggerating.” A few nervous sounding giggles broke out through the crowd.

The first few acts went by quickly. Blaine and his strong man act, keeping the audience on the edges of their seats while he lifted inhuman weights with ease; Miles and Kerry, joined by Caleb on his unicycle, sending roaring laughter through the stands and leaving Gavin in hysterical tears, clutching his stomach with the force of laughter. Trampolines were wheeled out near the middle of the show; low, long tracks that became home to Chris and Caiti as they, also decked out in glitzy spandex suits that glittered green and gold across the canvas walls, flipped and twisted along the length of the menage. Leaping off the rigging, gaining astounding heights and forcing terrified gasps from the crowd as Gavin watched in awe along with them. After them was Monty, _contortionist extraordinaire_ followed by the duo of Arryn and Barbara and their incredible fire breathing act. 

Before Jack took to the ring Kdin, Brandon and Patrick came out through the crew entrance and tugged a series of metal gates from inside the painted blocks around the ring. They ended about three feet above the ring and made a solid fence between the audience and the next act. Kara, Jordan and Kdin distracted the audience with offerings of popcorn boxes, soda and packs of candies. 

It all made sense to the audience as Geoff strolled to the front of the ring, standing on the ground out of the menage, pointedly staying out of the performance area. 

“Our next act has been designed specially for RoosterTeeth, something you won’t find just anywhere in the Circus scene. Beautiful and an incredible display of trust between man and creature, I present Jack and Tamara with The Lion Dancer.” The lights disappeared from him as he stepped off to the side and the spotlight was focused on the pain appearing from behind the curtain. Jack, dressed in all black with sparkling emerald green on his jacket lapels and a matching tie pinned to his shirt, leading along the Lioness, whose white fur glistened in the light. Unlike other Lion acts Gavin had heard of, she had nothing dressing her up, just her own natural shine and colour as she stalked around the ring, glancing out at the audience. 

Gavin could see the people in the first row subconsciously slink back in their chairs, pulling away in excited fear while Tamara made a full circle of the ring, coming back to rest at Jacks side. Soft music began to play over the speakers, an instrumental of a song that Gavin was sure he had heard before but couldn’t place. Once they started the act, Gavin understood why Ray didn’t want to call it ‘Taming’ it was an act on a completely different scale. Reminding Gavin of the dancing dog acts that he would often catch on the odd _Britain’s got talent_ show, the two moved together to the music, weaving and turning in unison. In the light of the stage and the fluidity of the movement, Tamara looked less like a ferocious beast that could tear your throat out faster than you could scream, more like a pet, sweet and beautiful. The look on her face as she kept her eyes on Jacks hand guiding her was one of happiness and calm, the smile on his face displaying love and trust. 

Awestruck audience members remained in stunned silence as they watched every movement with intrigue and excitement. Every winding step and guiding touch perfectly in time and tracked by JJ working the spotlights. 

The tent erupted into applause as the pair came to a stop, standing side by side, Jacks palm resting on the top of Tamaras head, fingers carefully stroking the damp fur. He lead his companion out of the ring with a firm hand, guiding her through the curtains as Ryan stepped out from behind them; the fencing was once again lowered into the wall as he stood there silently, waiting. Wearing the same green-lined suit that he had been wearing the day Gavin met him, he stood before the audience; hair soft and wavy over his forehead with no sign of product and a glint in his make up darkened eyes when his act began. 

It was a testament to Ryan’s skill that Gavin was left with his mouth gaping open and a brow furrowed in confusion by the end, along with the rest of the audience. He had warmed up the crowd with a few hand tricks and close up magic, involving a few of the kids before moving onto his main trick. Making his assistant - Kara apparently - disappear right off the stage in front of their eyes, she reappeared a moment later, swinging freely on the highests trapeze illuminated by a blinding spotlight. He could see what Ray had meant now, when he said Ryan wasn’t a magician; there were no large gestures or flashing lights, it was all distraction and mind deception. Gavin understood that it was a trick, he did, but that didn’t stop him being gobsmacked by the incredible feat of deception. He received a delayed round of applause once the audience had picked up their jaws from the floor, and swapped places with Geoff who strutted out, clapping Ryan on the shoulder as he passed. 

“Thank you everyone for being here for our first show, it’s awesome to hear you sounding like you’re having a good time! So, finally to end the night, to thrill and mesmerise, please welcome the aerialists of RoosterTeeth!” He backed up again, retreating back to the curtains as the music kicked in again. 

Michael and Lindsay strode out from behind the curtains as Geoff called their act forward. Lindsay was clothed in a long sleeved leotard, black all over with a deep red band like a flame across her stomach and up to her right shoulder. The whole costume was glittering in the light, spreading glimmering reflections over the audience when the stage lights hit the fabric. Footless, glistening nude tights covered her legs, leaving her bare feet open to feel the soft ground beneath her and her skin was spritzed with even more glitter. Michael’s costume was similar, in colour but not design. His was comprised of a simple pair of skin tight lycra pants, the same black with a red band that ended at the waistband only to be continued up his chest in body paint, separating out into tendrils at his shoulder that spread over to his back. Like Lindsay, his exposed skin had also been sprayed with a mist of glitter, making his body gleam with every flicker of light. Both of their faces were painted the same way, glitter base with an artistically smudged black streak across their eyes and the bridge of their noses, strips of red slashed their cheeks and they had brushed more of the bright colour into their hair; michaels auburn locks hanging over his face in soft curls while Lindsays was pulled back into a high pony with a high backcombed portion at the front, framing her face perfectly. 

The silks brushed the ground and almost immediately both performers had taken to them, gripping them tightly in hand and wrapping the bases around their feet using the material to aid them in scaling a number of feet off the ground. Spinning and twirling as the music played in the background, Gavin looked on with shaking hands and wide eyes as they manouvered themselves into poses that were gravity-defying. The crowd cheered and let out sounds of amazement at every pose, awed by the display of pure strength and power from the aerialists. 

Crossing the silks over his back and allowing the fabric to lock around his ankles and calves, Michael let go with his hands and fell backwards, his legs stretched to the side in an upside down straddle split position. Below him, Lindsay stopped circling the silks and handed her partner a rope loop which he wrapped around his right wrist, quickly tested the fit, and reached down, hand open with his palm downward. Everyone watched as Lindsay took a few graceful steps back before leaping forward, her hand reaching up for Michaels. Her wrist slipped through the second loop on the rope as their palms touched and she was lifted a few inches off the ground. The lady beside Gavin gasped in awe when Michael began spinning his arm in tight circles and Lindsay, holding her body rigidly straight, span with it, the momentum tilting her body as she turned. Michaels face was the picture of pure concentration as he kept his hold strong as his partner broke her rigidity and let her legs open slightly, gracefully letting go of his hand mid spin and dropping the few inches down the mat. Applause broke out through the crowd while Lindsay gave an amused curtsey and Michael unravelled himself from the fabric and joined her. 

While they did, the spotlights were moved, instead focusing high up into the air above the ring where Ray sat, already swinging on the trapeze. Once the attention was focused solely on him he started to move, the momentum that he had built up swinging while Michael and Lindsay were performing carrying him forward and back as he dropped below the bar, spinning 180 degrees as he did so, just managing to catch the bar again with the tips of his fingers. Gavin recognised a few tricks and moves from the routine Ray had taught him, some holds causing winces as he felt the phantom stings of blisters on his palms. Rays neon make up glowed in the lights, his skin-tight green pants had black curls decorating the left side, glittering with gold that twinkled like a disco ball as he flipped and span, pulled himself up and let gravity take him down. Gavin felt like he was being held in time as the minutes passed on like years, as much as he was paying attention to the intricate display of artistic talent, all he could think was _that’s going to be me._

He was broken out of his trance by the deafening applause from the crowd as the show came to a close and Ray took a bow under the Trapeze while Geoff waltzed out, going through his end monologue. Once finished, he stepped to the side, gesturing to the curtains with a swooping motion as they opened.

The performers skipped out from the space waving, glittering grins on their faces, and stood in two lines in the ring; the first set bowed with their hands clasped together and, just like that, Gavin was rocketed back to his 5 year old self. Leaping out of his seat with half of the other crowd members, he cheered and clapped so hard his hands started to sting. The first group separated and stepped back, making way for the rest of the troupe, by then about 99% of the audience were on their feet making such a loud noise that it was hurting Gavins ears but he didn’t care. The performers waved for the last time, Ray directing his to where Gavin was sitting, and then they were walking out. Burnie’s voice came over the speakers once more, thanking everyone for coming out and asking them to drive safe before the spotlights shut off leaving them in pitch black for a few seconds while JJ reactivated the main stage lighting. 

The audience bustled out, filtering down the stairs with excited chatter and kids hanging off parents shoulders. Scraps of food boxes and cans littered the floor and remnants of sodas spilt over the decking as people passed by half full drink, toppling them over. Gavin waited until everyone had gone before getting up and walking down the stairs to the ringside, enjoying the post show ringing in his ears and the way the darkness outside forced the inside to look like it was glowing with the lights dotted around. The show itself lasted just over 2 hours so it was just after ten thirty once everyone had scattered, and it was then in the buzzing silence that Gavin allowed himself a moment to think about the show. To think back to the buzz that got him here in the first place, and the thrill that he desperately wanted back although it had only been a matter of days. 

“What did you think?” Ray asked as he wandered out from behind the curtain and crouched down on the edge if ringside. Gavin glanced around, making a point of forcing an indifferent expression onto his face. 

“I think...I can’t wait to get my butt out there.” Ray’s grin was as bright as his neon make up as he pumped his fist into the sky in victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please suspend belief just for this fic that Lions can be in the circus and be happy. I didn’t want to include it because I know how much is sucks for them but I couldn’t resist the idea of Jack having a little lion friend. 
> 
> also...can you tell I struggled with writing Ryans act.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys. I've been working 60 hour weeks for the last couple of months and it's really burning me out and leaving me completely unable to write words. 
> 
> Anyway, here's part 3 and things are happening.

As it turned out, it was only 4 days before Gavin got his wish. 

It was hard work, learning a full new routine as fast as he could, especially with 2 shows a day taking up a lot of their time; but eventually he could do it without forgetting the next step, or missing Ray’s outstretched hands. As the catcher, Ray was always there at the right time, with the right amount of grip ready to hold onto Gavin as he flipped and spun into the next trick, but that didn’t mean Gavin was always ready to be caught. His brain was practically rattling inside his skull from the amount of times he had bounced off the net, bruises littering his upper arms and skin scraped off his fingers.

After all that, though, it would be worth it. 

Early in the morning of what would be his first show, he found himself the victim of the coldest wake up call he had ever heard and very nearly butted heads with the person who was inches away from his face when he shot up in shock as the shower of freezing ice water hit his head and upper body.

"What the fuck?" He yelled, startled, attempting to fall back down to the couch cushions, but he was stopped by a hand grabbing his forearm and another wrapping around his opposite elbow. Both Jack and Ryan yanked him up at the same time, forcing him off the couch while Ray shoved a bundle of clothes into his hands and Michael bustled around in the kitchenette, grabbing mugs out of the cabinet and swirling the coffee pot. 

“Get up shithead.” Geoff grumbled around a mug of coffee, kicking at the edge of the couch, close to Gavins dangling feet as he passed by. 

“Why? It’s fucking early.” The Brit whined, wiping the water away from his tired eyes with one hand, the other holding the pile of clothes to his chest. Besides the fact that the digital clock on the counter was currently displaying 5:30am, the time was given away by the barely-dawn light seeping in through the cracks in the blinds covering the small windows. 

"You're in." Michael said quickly, moving away from the kitchen with a wave of his hand towards the row of coffee cups that he had laid out for them all. Ryan gratefully let go on Gavins arm and took one, sipping with an exaggerated groan of pleasure at the caffeine rush. 

"What?" Gavin responded, painfully slowly, his brain felt like sludge and his muscles were aching like hell from his intense training day yesterday. For some reason he felt like Ray had been pushing him extra hard in the rehearsal and he was definitely paying for it now. 

"You're in the show, tonight." Ray clarified, beaming. It took a few moments for what he was saying to sink in, but when it did Gavin leapt away from the hand still lingering on his arm, eyes wide with surprise. 

"Wha- what?" Jack barked out a laugh at the look of pure shock on Gavin’s face as he tried to piece together what he had just heard. "But B-Burnie didn't say anything!" He babbled, head spinning with the realisation that he was actually going to be performing again, and with Ray no less, and a routine he had never performed in public. He suddenly felt a bit sick. 

"I kind of asked if I could be the one to tell you." Ray blushed, obviously unaffected by the sudden green tinge that had leaked into Gavin’s face. The Brit swallowed heavily, a frown of shock, disbelief, whatever the fuck else, marring his expression and sending a wave of concern through the group.

“Aren’t you happy?” Geoff questioned, he was frowning too and Gavin noticed the others looking a bit put out too by his apparent lack of reaction. 

“No, no-” He cut himself off when Ray’s smile dropped, “I mean yes! Sorry! Yes this is fucking top! I just can’t believe it.” He let the shock bleed from his face, replaced with a grin that nearly split his face in two, and he watched as Ray clapped happily, relieved. Not that they would ever think he didn’t want this...he was here wasn’t he?

“It’s not like you’ve never done this before,” Michael reminded him, disappearing into the bedroom. 

“Let him have his excitement Michael.” The light scold from Jack was ignored, and the older man rolled his eyes at the childish behaviour. Gavin stretched, enjoying the feeling of his spine popping all the way down and his overworked muscles complaining. 

“So other than giving me a heart attack with that news...why are we up so early?” He asked with a yawn.

"You need a costume." Michael shrugged, re-entering the space with a backpack slung over his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around Ryan’s shoulder, smirking. 

"So we get to go and pick you one out." 

\---

They located a small costume shop just outside of downtown Austin. It was designed with gymnasts and dancers in mind which made it pretty ideal for what they needed; rails and rails of leotards, one piece suits and various items all in the same tight spandex, lined the walls inside the building and filled most of the space in between. Gavin walked in behind Geoff, who had a wad of cash in his back pocket ready to fund the costume, money from a carefully calculated budget which was so much higher than Gavin had been expecting. In all honesty he’d figured that He’d just slap on something of Ray’s or something from the collection of costumes they had tucked away in the back of one of the trailers. 

The only person in the store was an old lady, plump and jolly looking with her greying hair scraped back into a bun and a long tape measure looped around her neck. She let the group in a few minutes early after watching them pointing in through the window at the variety of costume choices for at least a half hour. They were pleased to hear her tell them she recognised the performers from taking her grandkids to the show on opening night, and promised her a set for another night if she didn’t mind the fact that they were about to spend a long time there, and probably make a bit of mess. Respectfully of course. 

Geoff and Ryan collapsed onto the green plush couch that sat in the middle of the main costume room, surrounded by vivid colours and a crazy diverse range of styles and patterns. Gavin settled himself awkwardly against one of the fitting room walls, as the others passed from room to room, bundling up possible outfit choices for him. 

"What's your favourite colour?" Jack asked, shoving items along the rack with the squeal of metal on metal. He pulled out a neon yellow catsuit, holding it up in Gavins direction. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, the Brit shook his head and Jack shrugged before hooking it back onto the rail. 

“Well, come help us pick then.” Jack sighed, dumping his pile of clothes onto the couch between Geoff and Ryan. 

“Isn’t there a dress code or something, can’t you just tell me what to wear?” Gavin moaned, it was a hell of a lot easier when people just instructed him this way or that, he didn’t want to pick wrong and clash with Ray or look like a prat, but Ray poked his head back around the wall laughing. 

"You've seen ours, we don't exactly match. Pick what you want, and then get to the dressing room so we can laugh at you while you try them on." More clothes came flying towards him, a stray hanger catching him on the cheek, and he squeaked as he dodged away. Ray settled himself onto the arm of the couch, arm slung around Ryan’s shoulder, dropping his head onto the older mans tiredly. 

Grumpily gathering the outfits into his arms, Gavin pulled closed the curtains, popping his head back around as a thought came to mind. 

"This isn't going to turn into one of those cheesy shopping montages is it?" He muttered warily, noting how they had arranged themselves on the couch, focusing intently on him. 

"I can put some music on for you if you like." Ray was met with a glittery black leotard hitting his face, the only projectile Gavin could find, but he guiltily glanced around for the owner before tucking himself back behind the curtain, satisfied he wouldn’t get in trouble. 

He ducked in and out of the curtain time after time, costume after costume being dismissed and chucked to the side. Green, purple, even the neon yellow number that he had refused right from the start. He was right to refuse. It made him look like a radioactive banana, and was in no way flattering. They all slowly grew bored of the activity, Geoff was the first to get up off the couch and flick lazily through the costume rails before disappear around the corner into one of the other rooms. Ryan ended up on a stool by the counter, having an expressive conversation with the owner of the store, and Jack was playing some game or another on his phone, head leaned back on the couch tiredly.

“Ugh you’re hopeless!” Ray declared finally, throwing his arms in the air in frustration. “This was fun an hour ago, just pick something!” 

“It’s not my fault nothing’s right.” Gavin huffed and didn’t get the chance to grab his shirt from the stool in the dressing room corner before getting pulled from the tiny space by Michael, his legs still covered in the last experiment - mottled dark tie-dye that too closely resembled vomit in Gavins opinion - and out into the open room. 

“Here, we’ll do something different.” Michael announced, removing Gavin from the equation and turning his attention to the Puerto Rican boy grumbling on the couch. 

“Slap this on, Ray, I wanna see you in pink!” Michael said excitedly, tossing a fluorescent magenta catsuit into Rays arms with a flourish, a smile tugged at the corners of Rays lips and he gave up on his not-so-long-lived tantrum. 

Huffing, Gavin shuffled to the side. 

“I’m gonna...go find Geoff.” He mumbled, folding his arms and shuffling away when he was basically ignored, save for Jack’s low grunt of affirmation. The store was a series of small, compact rooms. Each with it’s own designated style lining the walls. Gavin ran his fingers over the fabrics as he passed through the doorways slowly, partially looking for the older man but at the same time just wanting a bit of space. He was still processing the fact that he was going to be in a show. He had done it, and it hadn’t taken him nearly as long as he thought it would. He wanted to get a laptop, an internet connection, and call up everyone back home to tell them the news but he hadn’t had a second alone yet to do anything. 

Gavin eventually found Geoff in one of the rooms right at the back, in the womens section, hands shifting tutus and skirts across the rail with a bored look on his face. 

“Geoff?” The man sighed and glanced up at the ceiling, as if counting to ten in his head and avoiding an inevitable snap. 

“Are we ready to go?”

“No, not yet.” Gavin replied, stepping further into the small room.

“Then what can I help you with, Gavin?” Gavin leaned against the wall between two wall-mounted rails and folded his arms. He could hear the insane giggles and cat calls through the wall from the room he had just left, Michael’s voice ringing out loud and clear, and the booming laughter that was so very obviously Jack practically shaking the walls. A satisfied smile tugged at his lips at the knowledge that at least a couple of them were having fun with this, he wished he wasn’t being so difficult. He had more pressing matters to attend to now, however. Geoff had been off with him from the very start, not changing much in the few days they had spent together. The others had all started getting closer when they sat to eat dinner, cracking jokes that included Gavin in the humour and even drawing him into pleasant friendly touches. Everyone but Geoff. 

“I know about what happened...with Ray.” Gavin said, trying to just jump straight to the point, assuming the man didn’t know and that was what was affecting his ability to let Gavin settle. Instead Geoff just shrugged. 

“Yeah, Michael said he told you.” Furrowing his brow in a mixture of confusion and frustration Gavin regarded the older man, pushing away from his position on the wall. He was sure that would be it.

“Then why are you still acting like an asshole with me? I told Michael I’d never hurt Ray, and he’s good with me now.” 

He flinched back when Geoff stepped towards him, one hand raised and a finger pointed like a gun towards the younger lad.

“You’ve been here 4 days, you haven’t even done a show yet and all we’ve seen is a bit of rehearsal. You’re expecting me to what? Trust you?” Put like that he had a point, but Gavin was nowhere near about to accept that as an answer, he hadn’t done a damn thing wrong.

“I’m expecting you to give me a chance.” Gavin snapped back, standing tall and - hopefully - strong in the presence of Geoff’s powerful aura. The man stepped closer again, breathing a little heavier and obviously working through something in his head, and swallowed back obviously spiteful words before speaking. 

“Earn your chance.” Their conversation was cut short when Michael barrelled around the corner, madly gesturing at him to follow. 

“Gav! Come here, we’ve found something perfect.” Gavin barely got a chance to look back at Geoff when Michael impatiently wrapped a hand around his forearm and the man started dragging him away. 

“Go on.” Geoff sounded as disappointed as Gavin felt that they hadn’t been able to finish their talk, but Gavin figured he had plenty of time to get the man to come around, especially since it was nearly show time. 

\---

An hour later they returned to the tent, a bag in Gavins hand containing a pair of pants, royal blue with the flag of Great Britain printed down one leg. He had dismissed them at first, unsure whether he should be offended by the stereotyping, but even he had to admit they were ideal. 

“Notice anything different?” Ray asked, tilting his head in the direction of centre stage, where he could see Blaine assisting Adam in pushing the wooden frame back up to the curtain, and cocked his head to the side in question, studying the frame while everyone beside him rolled their eyes. 

“It’s you, numb-nuts.” Geoff said with a nudge to Gavins shoulder and a hand pointing towards the edge of the board. On closer inspection he noticed it, tucked between Ray’s flying illustration and the carefully painted picture of Jack and Tamara, right on the edge of the frame, was him. A little caricature with an amusingly large nose and messy hair that spiked up in all directions around his head. His arms were aimed up towards the painted bar of a trapeze, the ropes of which trailing down from beneath what must have been Barbara, if the golden hair blazing with flames was anything to go by. 

“Patrick added you last night.” Jack said, “You fit perfectly.” He added, giving Gavin a reassuring pat on the shoulder before walking off in the direction of the back. Geoff and Ryan followed, leaving the lads to themselves in the ring. 

Staring at the image for a little longer, a thought popped into Gavin’s head, “Did everyone know about this but me?” Ray laughed with a shrug but nodded, a grin wide enough to show teeth as he did. 

“Pretty much.”

“We also found out before you woke up yesterday.” Michael contributed from his seat on the rings raised edge, knees raised up, he had his elbows resting atop the limbs, and hands clasped together. Gavin shook his head in slight disbelief, he shoved Michael on the shoulder playfully and flopped down to sit beside him. 

“Why did you wait until now to tell me?” Michael shrugged and looked to Ray for the answer, Ray pondered it for a moment before replying. 

“Gives you less time to be nervous.” 

Flawless logic.

The day passed in a blur. In the days after the initial show everything calmed because they knew that all the set up was correct and the shows, at least the first two weeks of them, were pretty much sold out so they weren’t concerned that they would be performing to no one. It didn’t stop the madness hours before showtime, however, the practised routine of making sure the big top was pristine and tidy for the visitors. Snacks were freshly prepared by Kara and Jordan out the back, while everyone else checked the safeties on their equipment and the seating rows, and finally set towards the arduous task of costume and makeup. 

Gavin examined his reflection in the long mirror on the side of the bedroom wall. He had already started to get a bit more definition in the muscles through his arms, only slight but definitely noticeable to himself. The pants they had picked out hugged his hips and fitted skin tight all the way down to his ankles. He thought back to the boring as hell plain black tank and track pants he wore back in the UK, it was barely a week behind him but felt a million years away, a million miles gone. Looking at himself now he might as well be looking at a stranger, and it felt like it made no sense yet so much. 

“Come here,” Jack muttered from the doorway, hand outstretched and gesturing towards him. Gavin took it silently, feeling a tingle in his skin when he touched the surprisingly soft palm. Jack led him to the makeup station, a wall mounted table that was pulled down away from the surface, and piled high with palettes of messy paint, tubes of makeup, and a tall pot of brushes. He sat down and allowed Ray to approach him, the boy kneeled in front of his feet and let his hands move over the tables contents. 

Ray smoothed pale foundation over his skin, soft fingers blending out the thick cream before brushing a coat of matt powder to seal it in place. Next his eyes were outlined with face paints, delicate lines that followed the edge of his lids and winged out at the sides before being pulled down under his eye into a series of intricate swirls on his cheeks. One side was painted with red, the other with blue, keeping true to the new theme of his costume, white powder was brushed over his lids, arching up to his eyebrows. Lastly Ray painted his lips, half and half in the same colours as before so that he had a two faced effect going on throughout the makeup, the corners extended just further than his natural lip line and curled up thinly at the end in an almost joker-like grin. Ray turned him away from the mirror and touched up a few choice areas, and before Gavin could see the finished product, the lad instructed him to close his eyes, spraying a layer of - solvent free, don’t worry - hairspray to seal the makeup from running with the inevitable sweat, a trick that Gavin hadn’t heard of before but which made perfect sense. 

“What do you think?” Ray asked, spinning him to face the mirror. Gavin leaned in, fingers lingering just over the makeup, not taking any risks with touching the delicate work, and admired the touches of glitter high on his cheekbones and in between the swirls. 

“Perfect.” 

\---

 

He felt sick. 

He couldn’t fucking do this, he felt sick. 

Sitting in the audience for this show had been one thing but now, at the bottom of the crowd looking up at the colossal number of people there in the stands… That was another experience entirely. Gavin could sum the last 4 days up in two words, new experiences, and he was sure that he could point out a hundred things that were different to his past Circus but he just couldn’t help it. Everything was so in a whole new ballpark now. 

As the audience filtered into the tent, Gavin peeked through the side space beside the curtain. He was breathing heavily as people passed behind him, his focus tunneled on the crowds bustling in from the world outside. 

A hand tapped his shoulder, and he leapt away from the curtain startled to see Ryan stood there behind him, leaning against the main supports with an eyebrow raised.

“Nervous?” Ryan asked with a grin once Gavin’s heart stopped trying to escape out of his chest, the Brit laughed shakily. 

"Is it that obvious?" 

"You're shaking like a baby rabbit." Ryan pointed out, taking one of Gavin's hands in his own and holding it out so that Gavin could see the tremor running through the limb.

“I might throw up.” The Brit admitted sheepishly. 

“You’re gonna do fine.” Ryan replied honestly and surprised Gavin by pulling the smaller man against his chest into a tight hug. “It’s not like this is your first rodeo.” 

“It might as well be.” Gavin mumbled shakily as the lights dimmed beyond the curtain and Ryan whispered into his ear, _showtime._

Geoff's opening words were muffled through the curtains. His introductions gaining clarity and focus as Gavin was moved aside and the acts stepped through to the stage one by one, punctuated by the suddenly clear as day sounds of cheers and music. Thrumming melodies filled the air while everyone shifted around him, silently and calmly preparing and gathering their focus. 

Everyone stood off to the side as Jack led Tamara up to the curtains, the music from Arryn and Barbara's performance coming to a close, and Gavin heard the sounds of the the fencing being clicked into place. Jack flashed him a cheeky grin and waltzed out of sight. 

Two to go. 

Jacks act finished before Gavin could even blink, or at least it felt that way, and he watched Ryan stalk by him, strutting out to face the crowd. Ray gave him a thumbs up from the other side of the entryway. 

Once Ryan was out there was no time to waste, Lindsay and Michael taking to the stage with an exaggerated flourish and Gavin barely had a chance to take a handful of breaths before he was being signaled for _that time._

“Come on, show time.” Ray whispered, tugging Gavin by the hand and only letting go once they had reached the curtain and had to separate to either side of the wooden structure. They didn’t use the main curtain, not wanting to distract from Michael and Lindsays performance. They ducked in from the sides and slowly, silently, crept over to either end of the rigging before climbing slowly. The spotlights were aimed further forward than they were, highlighting the performers before them as they twisted and turned to the thrum of music.

Inhaling warm, sweaty air, he filled his lungs with the sweet calming feeling. Then the song came to an end, and the audience applauded the two Silk artists, and finally that was it. 

The second the track started up, and the lights panned upwards to the trapeze where Ray and Gavin were waiting, it was like a switch was flipped. Turning off everything around him, blacking out the world beyond the act. He forgot there were a thousand people below him, he dismissed the nervous lead up, and he let the butterflies in his stomach fly free into the darkness. Suddenly everything was a million miles away and he could have laughed at himself for how nervous he had been. The performance was all that mattered now. 

The brilliant white light tracked them as they swung back and forth, spinning and twirling, one way then the other through the air. Gavin couldn’t feel the awed stares from below, couldnt feel anything but the pressure of Ray’s hands as he expertly caught him time after time, the bar in his hands as Kara passed it to him. Air brushing through his hair, cooling his hot skin, drew everything around him into a tunnel, a straight line from A to B, with no stops in between.

Too soon the act was over and both he and Ray took their respective sides, to the colossal cheers and excited screams from below. Adrenaline was coursing through his veins, his blood fast and hot beneath his skin. Following Ray’s lead, he started to descend the ladder, already Geoff was saying his final speech, giving them ample time to leave the stage. 

“That was amazing!” Jack whispered as they ducked back behind the curtain. Gavin grinned, his skin damp beneath the make up, paint cracking over his lips with the force of his happiness. 

“One last thing.” Ray reminded him as he made to walk dizzily away. Hands took both of his, pulling him out for the final bows, the hand entwined with Rays was swinging back and forth like they were children on the playground and it gave Gavin a fluttering feeling in his chest, the butterflies returning, but this time not from nerves. 

They clapped, the audience clapped; they waved, the crowd waved back, and then they were backstage with the rumbling of car engines and shuffling feet drifting through the tent from outside. Geoff came up behind him, clapping him on the shoulder and addressing the whole group. 

“Go clean all the crap off your faces, we’re going to celebrate.” Most didn’t need to be told twice, rushing off, already wiping at their damp faces. Gavin attempted to stop Geoff as he made to walk off with the rest of them, but he simply dodged the hand and ambled away with an arm slung around Michael’s shoulder.

“Celebrate?” Gavin asked to the air, letting anyone hear and hoping they would answer.

“You.” Ryan said with a wink as he passed, the last to go, and leaving Gavin alone in the small space. He allowed the smallest twitch of a smile onto his lips, let himself draw in a breath or two of the comforting post-show air that he had missed too much, before taking off after them towards the trailers. 

\---

Most of the performers chose to stay back at the tent rather than going out to the bar, it was late and they were back to two full performances tomorrow, so Gavin didn’t blame them. Fresh faced and cleaned up, an hour later they strolled into a bar downtown, just the right amount of times walk away, since none of them planned to drive afterwards. They took the booth furthest into the corner, dressed up in a mix between their stage costumes and a normal set of clothes.

Miles and Kerry dodged through the crowd to the booth once the rest of the troupe had settled. Ray accepted the coke and the jokingly snide comments that followed about him and his apparent aversion to drinking, while at the same time insisting - reiterating it seemed - that he was just as capable of having a good time when sober as any of them would drunk. Gavin sipped at his coke that someone had subtly tipped some vodka into, since he was still under the American drinking age, and listened to the banter being passed around the table. 

“So what did you think?” Michael asked from Rays other side, the Puerto Rican hummed his interest around the straw between his lips. “About your first show?” He added when Gavin started to look a little lost. In all honesty he was still riding the high, and would probably be out of perfect brainspace for a while. 

“It was top, yeah.” He smiled, downing the rest of his drink and letting the small amount of alcohol soak up the buzz and replace it with a different kind of feeling. The lads grinned back, seemingly pleased with the answer, but didn’t get much more of a chance to speak. 

The door slammed open and a group of heavyset men walked in. 

Gavin knew there would be trouble almost immediately, just from the silence that washed over the bar as the mens heavy boots hit the floor. They headed straight for the bar and Gavin was a second away from voicing his concerns to one of the older men before his chance was stolen away and the mens path diverted towards them. 

“Hey look, the fucking carnies showed up.” Michael snarled beside him and Gavin had to resist the urge to flinch at the pure rage emanating off him. He stood up, eye contact strong between he and the buzz cut, bulky man who had spoken. Tension so thick in the air that even the strongest man couldn’t break it, it make the oxygen hard to breathe in, Gavin feeling like letting out the breath he was holding would be a nuclear bomb.

“Michael, don’t.” Jack hissed, holding his hand over the redheads stomach as he made to move forward, “They aren’t worth it.” Michael huffed, threatening to wheel around when he heard the guys snort, call them pussys and move to the bar. Ryan slipped his hand into the younger mans, both in comfort and to keep him grounded in his seat as his rage bubbled under the surface. Unfortunately the guy had apparently still been looking in their direction and noticed the subtle movement, laughing with booming power behind his voice. 

“Oh, so you’re faggots too? Should have guessed, a bunch of flaming freaks like you.” Again, Ryan held him down from responding, but he couldn’t say the same for the others who were twitching in their seats too. Being in Texas they knew they would have to deal with shit like this if they showed any affection in public, didn’t make it any easier to deal with. 

Dissatisfied with the lack of response, the guy huffed and turned to walk away. Then Michael just couldn’t help himself.

“I guarantee I get more ass than you any day.” Michael mumbled, the others snickering around their drinks. Unfortunately, again, they had no luck. The whole group span on their heels and stalked violently towards the table until they were nearly face to face with the others who were edging towards standing. 

“What did you say to me, faggot?” He hissed into Michaels face, spittle decorating the lads freckled skin. Hand still connected with Ryans, a squeeze was passed between the two, a silent conversation to just _let it go._

“Nothing.” He said reluctantly, gritting his teeth and curling his free hand into a fist that Gavin could see was shaking. “Thought not.” Michael grinding his teeth was audible as he bristled at the smirk. The stool to Gavin left pushed away from the booth and _oh god Ray don’t do it._

“For fucks sake he said he get’s more ass than you and it’s just fucking true.” 

All hell broke loose when the first fist collided harshly with Ray’s face.

Michael tore his hand out of Ryans strong grip as Ray staggered backwards, and bolted around the table, practically frog leaping over the stools and people sitting on them to get to the asshole who was shaking his fist out. There was blood splattered on the skin, and Gavin could see the moment blind rage overtook within the redheaded boy, and everyone else around too. Ray, having recovered from the initial blow, forged forward into the fray now happening in the middle of the bar. 

Michael thew a couple of well placed punched into the jaw of the ‘leader’ before getting caught off guard by one of the guys friends, a solid fist hitting him right between the eyes, and throwing him off balance. He staggered back into the table, that was now completely vacated, save for Gavin, who was a little too shell shocked to do anything besides stare. The drinks went flying, alcohol splattering the floor, and glass shattering into thousands of pieces beneath their feet. 

Jack, calm and collected, was edging around the cluster near the bar. Gavin could identify Geoff, in some kind of half drunken frenzy, jabbing his fist into a guys face over and over while Jack tried to talk him off. 

Michael leapt forward on Gavins right, tackling a thug to the ground while dodging strong fighting limbs. They underestimated the strength that Circus folk held, however, and the man below Michael was dazed within seconds of the fight starting, his expression showing that there were more than stars in his vision. That in itself triggered the largest uproar that Gavin had ever seen, men from all the way over at the other side of the bar darted over, fists up and so ready to fight it looked like they had been sitting there just waiting for this to happen. 

Suddenly Gavin was grabbed by the back of his skirt, the material tightening around him and forcing him sideways even as Ryan yelled over the volume. He was forced to his ass on the ground, skin stinging from the friction burn he obtained as the floor met him with a smack. 

All his natural instincts took over and he leapt up from the ground in nothing short of a ninja move, kicking the assailant back, and giving him enough space to plant his hands solidly on the table behind. With a kick off the ground he threw his body backwards, twisting his torso over the surface with the trained grace only a gymnast could pull off. 

The moment his feet hit the ground on the other side of the table it was as if he had left the building altogether. A deafening silence had broken out around him, the guy who had been coming at him was stood, mouth gaping open like a gormless fish, which would have been funny in any other situation. 

In those few seconds, while everyone was distracted, the others all got a chance to dodge out from away of their fight partners. The rolled away, ducked past, and stepped away from the rednecks, righting themselves with ease, if not a little stumbling, just as the door burst open.

After that it was all blurs and movement, being hauled off to the side and questioned before being tossed to the rest of his troupe. 

Surprisingly it was Geoff who slung his arm around Gavin’s shoulders and walked him out, escorting him past the cops, who were calmly dealing with the rednecks who were determined to continue putting up a fight. Geoff who walked, hand in hand with him, as they quietly made their way back to the camp. Moping men with their tails between their legs and blood on their skin.

\---

Jack dabbed lightly at the cut above Michael’s forehead, frowning as it continued to bleed. The redhead pulled away with a muffled ow! but Jack stopped him by placing one of his hands on the back of Michael’s neck and holding him in place. 

“Stop squirming you big baby, this is your fault for being such a hothead.” 

“They clocked Ray! If those guys hadn’t started shit I wouldn’t have had to step in, it’s their fault, blame them.” Michael winced and stopped talking as Jack pressed the antibac soaked cloth hard onto the wound. 

“Well they aren’t here, are they? They’re in police custody, which is where you should be really.” He punctuated his point with another harsh swipe of the cloth, “You’re damn lucky the cops overlooked your input, and anyway, it’s not them that I have to clean up, and it’s definitely not them who will have to answer to Kara tomorrow when she see’s what you need covering up for the show.” Gavin saw Michael pale at the prospect of Kara’s rage, diverting his eyes away from Jacks judging stare only to be met with the disapproving glare from Ryan. 

“You guys fought them too! It wasn’t all me!” He defended weakly, volume lower now but still spitting vinegar. 

“Yeah but do you see _us_ bleeding from the face?” Michael folded his arms around himself and diverted his gaze, grumbling.

“Here you go, Gav.” Ray said softly, pulling his attention away from the bickering going on at the other end of the trailer, handing over a large bandaid for the scrape on his arm. Gavin mumbled a thanks and pressed it to the freshly cleaned wound. “Sorry you got caught up in that.” 

Gavin merely shrugged, content to just get this day all over and done with as soon as possible. Ray accepted his silent response and touched the bruise on his eye with tentative fingers. It wasn’t bleeding like Michaels and would easily be covered up with an extra layer of makeup, still looked like it hurt like a bitch though.

“That looked really cool by the way, the whole backflip thing.” The young lad commented quietly, pulling the attention back to him, the last thing he wanted. He turned his attention to the wound on his arm as he replied in a small voice.

“It was nothing.” Geoff shook his head firmly. Placing his hands on Gavins shoulders, and meeting his eyes with his perpetually tired gaze.

“No, it was definitely something, distracted them at least. I get the feeling it could have been a lot worse.” He shot a pointed look to the sulking redhead in the corner and was met with an indignant huff and a tongue poking out from between his lips. 

“What would Lindsay have said if we told her she had to perform solo now?” Ryan countered.

“Probably _I look better in a single spotlight anyway_.” Michael imitated his partner with one of those stereotypical high school girl voices, twirling made up hair around his fingers as he did. 

Ryan paused, opening his mouth to reply but any retort caught in his throat and he admitted defeat. “True.”

“Come on, we’ve had enough excitement for one day.” Jack urged, taping gauze to Michaels forehead and nudging him up off the stool he had been sitting on for the treatment. Gavin sat down on the couch as they left through the door, a mumbled goodnight passing from someones lips to his cotton filled head. He tugged his shirt over his head and tossed it to the corner, his jeans following and he sat there in just his boxers, holding his head in his hands for a while. Eventually the swirling of mist cleared and he tugged the sheet over himself, tucking his head into the pillow as he closed his eyes and waited for sleep.

He tossed and turned from the moment he settled down. The bruises on his arm were throbbing, the wound beneath the bandage stung painfully, and the trashcan full of bloodied tissues was taunting him. He had been on such a high earlier, so happy and carefree, everything around him feeling like his perfect version of heaven.

He could at least take one thing from this horrendous night, Geoff was talking to him now. Maybe he had earned his chance.

Despite this he felt a strong tug of loneliness, on the other side of the door they slept together, curled up close no doubt, each others presence alone keeping them safe. Tears pricked at his eyes but he wiped them away with the back of his fist. He would not cry in the trailer of his troupe in the middle of the night, after being involved in what was basically gang warfare. He would not do it. Oh but he so was. 

It was about an hour later when he heard the click again, like a muffled gunshot in the silent air, and followed by a creak of the door opening. The tears had dried up, his brain cutting the waterworks but keeping the sadness. He hadn’t even managed a minute of sleep, barely keeping his eyes closed for more than a few seconds at a time. 

“Gav.” A voice whispered and he turned his head to see Ray craning his neck around the door. At his questioning look, Ray held out his hand towards to the couch and made a beckoning motion at the same time as titling his head in the direction of the room behind him. 

At first Gavin wasn’t sure what to make of the gesture, he knew what it looked like but he couldn’t tell if he was reading it wrong. It wasn’t until a few seconds later when Ray shuffled across the trailer and physically took the Brits hand, dragging him up from the couch and towards the bedroom that he realised he had been right. 

The others were sleeping, though Michael subconsciously shuffled backwards, closer to Ryans naked chest, as Ray nudged him to make room for Gavin. Settling right on the end, unsure of how the hell they had fit five people on the bed, let alone six, it passed through Gavin’s mind about what the others were going to think when they woke up and found their new roommate sleeping beside them. 

Eventually, once Ray had whispered _relax_ way too close to his ear and he had allowed his muscles to loosen up and his body to settle against the soft mattress, he decided it didn’t matter about the morning. For now he would let six synchronized breaths lull him to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow I am so sorry this took so long, this is kind of an important chapter and I spent so long worrying I wouldn't do it justice that I just stopped even writing it. Anyway, here we go. Thanks for sticking around and the support so far <3

For the second time in as many days, Gavin was awoken by a face inches from his own. Upside down, with his hands planted firmly on the edge of the bed, Michael was leaning over him, messy hair hanging into Gavins vision. He jolted back, only to collide firmly with a solid body behind him, who his sleep addled brain was pretty sure belonged to Ray, oh yeah… he slept in their bed last night. 

“You’re in our bed.” Michael said bluntly, his face turning red from the held position. 

“I invited him, Michael.” Ray commented as he ambled into the small room, rubbing his damp hair with a small hand towel. It took a second to register but it suddenly clicked in Gavins head that, who he thought was Ray behind him, in fact wasn’t. He jumped to the side, toppling Michael onto the far edge of the bed with a yelp, and turned over, coming face to face with Ryan. The older man leg out a breathy, just waking up, laugh and clapped Gavin on the shoulder, shaking his head as he raised himself up onto his knees and crawled off the bed. 

“Should I be worried?” Michael asked slyly, addressing Rays comment, “He’s ours you know.” Tilting his head in Rays direction, and the youngest simply threw his dampened, now useless, towel towards the bed, the fabric hitting Michael square in the face and covering his cheeky grin. 

“Leave off Michael, he was lonely.” That only encouraged the boy more, and he peeled the wet material off his head and leaned in even closer to Gavins face, the breath warm on his cheek. 

“Were you?” Michael asked, eyebrow raised, “Were you lonely?” It sounded mocking but there was definitely a hint of playfulness in his tone. 

Gavin slung out his fist, playfully hitting Michael in the shoulder and rolling into the empty space Ryan had left. “Shut up, you mong.” 

Jack chose that moment to swing open the door, shirtless and hair mussed but in a neat-ish way, as if he had tried to clean it up just moments before. 

“Okay, enough, Up. Up!” He said, tugging Michael’s leg and forcing him further down the bed. Both he and Ray shuffled out of the small space, closing the door after them and Gavin exhaled slowly, processing how weird it was to see how normal this could feel. He nearly jumped a mile when he rolled over to see Geoff facing him, covers halfway down his chest, and eyes trained on him. 

“Morning.” The man said roughly with a hint of a chuckle rumbling beneath, pulling himself up into a sitting position, the sheets falling down his body. Gavin noted silently that the man had apparently taken a good number of blows to his body during the fight as there were a number of dark, shadowy bruises adorning the skin of his torso. 

“Shit, Geoff you scared me.” Gavin panted, his heart beating at an abnormal rhythm. Geoff only raised an eyebrow and gave him that smirk he had already become so accustomed to. 

“I wasn’t exactly expecting to see you either.” 

“Yeah, about that…” The sheets below him suddenly because very fascinating as he ran the fabric between his fingers, but Geoff cut him off, yawning. 

“No, it’s okay, I heard.” He shrugged and reclined back against the wall. The complete flip in attitude towards the younger boy was throwing Gavin all over he could barely keep up, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t about to take full advantage of the situation to solidify his place on Geoffs good side. 

“You aren’t worried I’m trying to take your boy?” Gavin asked jokingly but spluttered with only half-mocking offense when Geoff replied lazily, “Like you could if you tried.” Ignoring the response, Geoff instead gestured to the door, clicking his tongue when Gavin didn’t move.

“You might wanna leave, I sleep...au naturale if you get what I mean.” His eyes flicked down.

Automatically Gavin’s eyes followed Geoff’s gaze towards the man’s lower half; realising that he couldn’t see anything peeking above the sheets that lay just below his hip, he blushed and babbled out an attempt at a sentence he would never be proud of. He couldn’t help but note the surprisingly thin frame, defined muscles and slim waist and felt himself grow just a little dizzy when he noticed Geoff watching him. The man chuckled while he scrambled out of the bed, the realisation that he had slept in a bed with his co performer naked just a few bodies over turning him red down to his toes. This was just too weird. 

Barrelling out of the bedroom, he slammed the door behind him and closed his eyes as he leaned against it, he hadn’t meant to shut it so violently, and cringed when the laughter from inside picked up. They were all staring at him when he opened his eyes again, with the exception of Ryan who Gavin couldn’t see anywhere in the small space. 

“Geoff?” Gavin just nodded and Jack returned the motion knowingly, the twitch of a smile tugging at his lips. 

Shifting his attention to Michael who was lounging on the couch and allowing Gavin a moment to process his own thoughts, Jack sighed, “Go take a look at that.” He pointed towards the mirror, and Michael huffed but got up from the couch and leaned in close regardless. He peeled the gauze away from his forehead, hissing at the sting when congealed blood stuck to the wound and pulled away with the bandage. Even Gavin winced at the motion, his sensitive gag reflex making him look away. 

“Shit.” Michael groaned, prodding the darkened, bruised area around the red, open gash across his head. Kara was gonna kill him. He wiped away a trickle of blood forming in the corner of the wound and hissed in pain once again. 

“Makeup on that is gonna sting like a bitch.” Geoff noted, Gavin was semi-pleased to see that he had pulled on a pair of track pants, covering most of his...private parts, but had remained shirtless. The bruises showing up much more prominently out of the dim bedroom lighting. 

“You sound way too fucking happy about that, Geoffrey.” Michael grumbled, but accepted the chaste peck on his lips regardless. 

“What can I say? I enjoy seeing you get what you deserve.” Geoff smiled sweetly, hand coming down to tap the younger boys ass, a smile Michael returned sarcastically before rolling his eyes and turning to Gavin. 

“You know you’re lucky you didn’t end up with a concussion from that.” Ryan commented, stepping back into the trailer, dressed down in jeans and a camo-green tank. The first time Gavin had seen him in anything other than his suit, he thought idly, and he couldn’t help appraising the defined muscles of the man’s arms. 

“Yeah yeah, lucky as fuck that’s me,” Michael rolled his eyes, and turned his attention to Gavin, who only just noticed he had been staring at the boy for a couple of minutes without even blinking. “How’s yours, Gav?” Honestly he had forgotten about his own injuries from the night before, he had escaped from most of the fight of course, but he had his own matching gauze stuck to the welt on his arm that had somehow managed to stay attached through the night. 

The skin under the bandage on his forearm was gross, congealed and lumpy, a solid black bruise creeping out from the edges, but with a few hours to go before show time it would dry up, get covered with a solid layer of makeup, and no one would be the wiser. 

“It’s fine.” He said, shrugging and keeping his aforementioned gag reflex from rearing its ugly head. 

“Oooo, ouch that looks nasty.” Ray commented, letting out a long whistle while he sipped a red bull and examined the bruise on his own eye in the mirror. 

“It’s fine.” Gavin repeated, dabbing at the torn skin with an anti-bac wipe off the counter before letting the wound rest and slumping onto the edge of the couch. Ryan had bent over the counter to reach something from behind and Gavin could see the tip of a bruise poking out from the hem of his shirt, Jack had a similar one on his shoulder, trailing down to where the material covered. 

They all looked a mess, but none of them really seemed to mind. 

Finally, all cleaned up as well as he could be Michael brushed off his hands, grabbed Gavin by the arm, and started pulling him towards the trailer door, the others following willingly.

“Let’s face the music.”

\---

Over the months that followed, Gavin and the RoosterTeeth crew travelled the country together. From State to State, visiting city after city in a tour of places Gavin never thought he would get the chance to see. They moved through States every 3 months, doing 15 shows in each city before moving on to the next. Sold out show after sold out show, Gavin found himself growing as a performer, but more than that too, he was growing as a person. Changing. Allowing the atmosphere of the big top and the attitudes of his fellow performers - now friends- to shape him into so much more than he had ever been before. 

In a physical sense he was stronger, his muscles more toned, skin tougher. He could land even the most complex tricks, and even worked catches into his routine, giving him a chance to explore the other side of the stunts. It definitely made his confidence soar, and further solidified his budding friendship with Ray. 

Late nights were spent getting to know everyone better. Mainly the lads and gents he lived with, though he did find out a thing or two about the rest of the troupe too; most interestingly the fact that the two clowns, Kerry and Miles, were both run aways. Apparently they should stay away from their home cities during the tour just in case, though they were too old to be considered missing children anymore. 

Ryan had been a street magician in Santa Monica in his late teens when Gus and Burnie had been in town with their, then still growing, troupe. He recognised them from the shows he had paid most of his earnings to see, and refused to let the opportunity pass. Impressing them with a quick street trick of making the juggling balls disappear as he threw them, he had been invited in, one of the first of the current performers to do so. 

Next had been Geoff. They had known they needed a proper ringmaster, but no one had fit the bill quite like the apathetic twenty one year old who shuffled into the very small audition in southern Florida with ‘Lazer Ramsey’ scrawled on the sheet of paper and no story behind it. Geoff never intended to be a ringmaster, he had planned to enlist in the army, instead working a few hours at a bowling alley to gain some money to keep living in the town instead of having to disappear into another state. When the sign was posted on the wooden post outside his dingy apartment, he figured it would be a laugh. His friends had all up and left him by this point and anything he could do to uplift his spirits, beyond a heady amount of alcohol, was warmly welcomed. He had counted on the two men being thoroughly impressed with his calm presence and joking personality that hid beneath the rough, sarcastic exterior. Though you wouldn’t hear him complain about a single second of his years in the troupe.

He learnt that Michael had a history in professional gymnastics and had even been drafted to join the US team in the 2012 Olympics before being recruited into the circus three years ago, a year before the worldwide competition. There wasn’t even a hint of sadness in his voice when he told the story, he spoke like the circus was the best thing to happen to him. It just might have been. He’d spent months building up strength, just as Gavin himself had, having never stepped foot near a silk in his life up to that moment. In a former life he had been a trampolinist, and that’s what he had suggested to Burnie when they met, but they had that particular apparatus covered already. So he had to learn something new. It was Lindsay who showed him the trade that would one day become his everything. She had been training since a very young age and was a pretty damn good teacher, if she did say so herself. 

He already knew the basics of Rays background in the big top, he had been born into it. Travelling from birth in a very small family circus, his mother getting him accustomed to the heights, the bright lights, the atmosphere very young so he was never afraid. His biggest insecurity, something he only admitted to Gavin after everyone had gone to bed and they were taking a walk in the cooled Seattle air, was his brain. Apparently being in a travelling show didn’t leave much time or opportunity for getting into school; so he had to make do with as much as he could learn from his fellow travellers, which admittedly wasn’t a lot. According to Ray, he had spent a lot of time depressed over his lack of ability to do simple math, and the fact that sometimes he didn’t understand the words that the higher educated troupe members used brought him down on more than one occasion. They assured him he was okay, though. That he was worth more than his lack of a full education, he had so much more going for him that more than balanced out everything he couldn’t do. Plus he was still learning, day by day he picked up things he had been missing, and Jack, the highest educated of them all, gave him lessons sometimes when he really wanted to know something. 

Speaking of Jack; he had most certainly never expected to end up in the Circus. He had told Gavin over and over that he was on course for college and a degree, though in what he wouldn’t tell anyone, and the whole lion thing was a fluke. He had been taking his cousin to see a show in their hometown when he noticed some suspicious behavior coming from some of the crew as he walked with the child back to his car. They had been huddled around a van, talking in low voices and glancing over to a cart behind the tent over and over until finally stepping towards the thing, with a gun. Alarm bells ringing, Jack had left his cousin with his Aunt and taken off after them, only to find them stood around a lion cub, small and wiry thin, gun pointed at the creature. Jack wouldn’t explain much else but it ended with him being in possession of the saddest looking lion cub he had ever seen and not a clue on what to do. Fast forward a couple of years, Jack and the lioness, now named Tamara, found themselves in front of the big top tent waiting to meet with Matt. It took some convincing, to let an animal into the show, but they caved willingly and that was it. 

How they ended up together...well that was just another story entirely; and one that Gavin had not been told to the full extent.

What Gavin found changing the most, however, was the relationship between he and his roommates. He had never experienced getting so close so quickly with anyone and yet here he was, just weeks into living in the trailer, cuddling up at the end of the groups bed. Burnie had replaced the couch with a pull out bed just a week after he arrived but he never really found himself using it. He wasn’t sure when the feelings started to develop beyond just wishing they were closer friends, though he could probably pinpoint the second they became part of his daily ritual to pine after, then again from the moment he first met Ray he could say there had been more to his friendly banter than...friendly. 

It took a couple of months before Gavin started getting the feeling that they may feel the same way, or at least some of them. The way they sat a little closer, touches lingering a little longer, and the off handed comments that hinted a little more than he was sure was normal.

They never did anything, stayed respectful, whether it be because they weren’t sure the feelings were reciprocated or Gavin had just got the completely wrong end of the stick, but they didn't make a move until Gavin finally got so frustrated with everyone dancing around the issue that he couldn’t take it anymore. He stormed into the tent in plain view of everyone during rehearsal, grabbed Ray’s face in his hands and planted a solid, dry kiss to the boys lips. Everything went silent when they touched. The tent, his head, just everything. Then there were fireworks, cheesy romance movie fireworks that burst over his head and made his body tingle. Fireworks that quickly turned to stars when he was tackled from the side by a large body. He was afraid, terrified that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. If they kicked him out for this what then? 

He had been practically hyperventilating, backing away from the huddle that had started; apologising as much as his lungs would let him, but he was silenced by a kiss. Another set of lips that felt rougher than Rays, that tasted vaguely of RedBull and peppermint; a strange combination but one that was immediately identifiable as Michael. 

“I’ve been waiting to do that.” Michael had whispered against his lips, Geoff, Ryan and Jack watching from behind with smug expressions on their faces, and that was it. The infamous five became six, and Gavin couldn’t believe just how easy it had been to slip into the relationship routine. Not that they hadn’t been living like that for a while anyway. 

It was comfortable. Waking up next to them every morning, not having to worry who he was beside because they were all in this, whatever-it-was, together. Knowing he could lean over and kiss them good morning or snuggle against their chests without fear of overstepping the boundaries. 

Everything was perfect, then. He felt like he was up on cloud nine with the whole world at his feet, like anything was possible now. His confidence soared, and he lived every day like it was a dream. 

Of course, what goes up...must come down.


	5. Chapter 5

“What do you think he wants?” Gavin asked as he and Michael wandered across the field to Burnie’s trailer, the rising sun casting a warm glow over the horizon. They were just about to complete their final week of shows in the current city, Denver, Colorado, and were soon due for a three week break before returning to the performances. 

At 4am on their first ‘free’ morning, Michael had been awoken with a text from Burnie, _Meet me in my trailer, bring Gav,_ and they both begrudgingly hauled themselves out of bed and left the trailer as quietly as possible, though Gavin had to stop Michael from waking the others just out of spite, muttering a few choice expletives under their breath just to get it out of their systems.

“Do we ever know?” Michael replied, a yawn breaking through at the end of his question; after all it’s one thing to wake up early when you know you have to, but being dragged out of bed on a morning when you were expecting to sleep until noon… that was just cruelty.

Burnie’s trailer door was open as they approached, though he shared his travelling home with his partner - Ashley, one of the fellow performers - she was nowhere to be seen as Michael knocked on the door, drawing the older man’s attention away from the bed where he was neatening the sheets. 

“Ah, boys! Thanks for coming so early,” He began, leaving the bed to its state of light disarray. 

“Yeah, thanks for that, asshole. We thought we were gonna sleep in.” Michael grumbled, plonking himself down onto the couch when Burnie gestured to it, looking not even the slightest bit guilty. He leaned his head back, looking like he fully intended to fall asleep right there. Gavin poked him in the ribs as he too sat down, grumpy but still polite to their director who was sitting right there. 

“I wanted to talk to you on your own.” Burnie shrugged, steepling his fingers together as he rested his elbows on his knees and studied them. 

Turning to Michael, Burnie cocked his head to the side and asked, “You have a history in Trampoline, right?” Michael nodded slowly. Trampoline had never been his chosen speciality, but he had used a small one when he first started training for the vault and it hadn’t been long before he had joined a trampolining class that ran an hour after his Gymnastics practise ended. It just happened that Burnie had first met him when they had all been in their downtime and Michael had spent the afternoon doing flips and twists on their olympic sized training trampoline. 

“Uh… yeah, kinda.” A huge smile graced Burnie lips as he clapped his hands together joyfully. 

“Excellent! I have an idea for a new trick.” Michael groaned and Gavin furrowed his brow in concern. 

“You couldn’t have asked Chris or Caiti? You know the ones who do that shit every single show?” 

“You two have good chemistry,” He shrugged, pointing to Michael as he continued, “And I’ve seen you jumping, you’re still as good as you were when I first met you.” Michael blushed, it was true he had been known to slip onto the apparatus before Caiti and Chris had had the chance to pack it away. What could he say? He enjoyed it, it was just a bit of fun but he’s never performed with it. Fortunately he had a hell of a lot more confidence in his ability to jump than Gavin had in his catching. 

“What about me? Why me and not Ray? He’s a much better catcher.” Gavin fought, voice low, forehead wrinkled in a frown. Dismissing it with a wave of his hand, Burnie replied. 

“Just because you’ve only done it a few times doesn’t mean you’re below him in ability.” Michael hummed in agreement, which only served to make Gavin sink further into his chair. He didn’t even know what the trick was and he was already convinced he’d never be able to do it in a million years. Burnie picked up on his discomfort immediately, motioning briefly with one hand before he got up. 

“Follow me.” Burnie was out of the door before Gavin’s mind could catch up with him, and they quickly made their way across the field behind the man. He strolled into the tent where the trampoline had already been set up, running the length of the performance area with the trapeze set up high above it, but significantly lower than Gavin was used to. He zoned out when Burnie explained the stunt, after noticing one specific piece of apparatus was missing. 

“Can you…can you say that again?” He found himself on the receiving end of two very amusingly frustrated expressions and Michael rolled his eyes before re-explaining the whole thing for the lads benefit. To be honest, he wish he’d misheard. 

The trick involved Gavin hanging upside down from the bar, and Michael travelling the length of the trampoline before taking off from the end to be caught by Gavin. A huge leap of faith since the way they were to set up the apparatus left them without room for the safety net that usually remained below them throughout; they would conceal a crash mat down below, but a mat can only go so far when you’re tumbling from the sky. For those few seconds before Michael was caught he would be completely dependant on Gavin since, as soon as he took off from the trampoline, there would be nowhere else to go but down. 

A hell of a trust fall. 

“Burnie… I-” The man held up a hand, cutting off any argument he was about to throw back. 

“By the time the shows pick back up, I want this on the running list.” Burnie stated finally, bluntly, and with no breathing room for talking back. Turning his back on them, he lazily stalked back through the gap in the canvas, leaving the pair to themselves. 

“Shouldn’t be too hard.” Michael mused, his head turned to the side in concentration. He let out a barking laugh at the look of utter terror on Gavin’s face. “I trust you, Gavvy Wavvy.” He sing-songed, kissing the shell shocked man on the cheek, nodding once more towards the trampoline before announcing he was going back to the trailer to forcefully wake up the others. 

Gavin hung back, staring up at the apparatus like it was suddenly everything but what he loved. 

_I’m not so sure you should._

\---

“So what you need to do,” Ray started, hanging by his knees from the trapeze, and looking down on Gavin. “Is be off the bridge once Michael reaches that point.” He pointed towards a marked spot in the middle of the trampoline; a large X made with white chalk. 

Gavin craned his neck to see, Geoff’s arm falling from his shoulder. The older guys had come to support him in his training, though more joking insults had been thrown around than actual moral support.

“You’ll get a couple of swings in, then you need to be here,” Shifting his hips, Ray built up just enough swinging momentum to show Gavin the place he’d need to be, arms outstretched, hands positioned to catch. “Ready for Michael to catch on. He’s going to be fast, much faster than when we swing, so you’re gonna need a good grip.” 

For the purpose of rehearsals they had set up the apparatus in a way which actually allowed them to have safety nets, no way were they going to jump straight in without some sort of backup, but that luxury just wouldn’t work when the audience were required to be sitting in the space they were using. The net meant that the first time Michael and Ray had a go at the stunt, Michael bounced softly onto the net with a breathy laugh, missing Ray’s hands by an inch at most. 

“Don’t do that.” He instructed with a giggle, sliding down to the floor before taking off towards the far end of the trampoline again. 

For Ray and Michael, it only took three tries for them to work it out. The connection between the two was obvious as they held rhythm with each other, barely needing anything more than eye contact to stay in sync. From the floor Gavin once again found himself questioning why Burnie would choose him, and not Ray. 

“Your turn.” Ray’s voice and a hand on his shoulder drew his focus back to the task at hand, forcing him out of his headspace so fast he thought he’d fall over. 

“Just do it, even if you miss he’s gonna land safely.” Ray reminded him encouragingly, sitting on the net with his knees bent, legs open and arms around his knees. Gavin nodded, chalking up his hands, taking the trapeze down so he could swing to where Ray had been, and kicking his knees up over the bar. 

The first time Michael leaped and bounded towards him, he totally forgot to start swinging until Ray yelled at him to _fucking go!_ seconds before he was flung into the air, limbs flailing hilariously, with the force of his boyfriend landing on the springy surface. Everyone cracked up, even the guys chilling out at the other end of the tent, having dropped their own workouts to watch Gavin, but Gavin’s smile was forced. All he could think was wrong, wrong, wrong. 

Wrong. 

Incorrect timing, Michael hit the net. 

Not enough grip, Michael hit the net. 

Absolutely, completely wrong, Michael hit the net. 

“I’m never gonna get it!” Gavin announced finally after what felt like days trying this thing. Gripping the bar he flipped backwards and landed on the net, letting his body ragdoll, mirroring the uselessness he felt. A tantrum to rival a fussy toddler overtook him and he found himself throwing his limbs around, letting out high pitched frustrated noises and springing the net almost like the trampoline below them until Ray dived on top of him, pinning him down to the net. 

“Gavin, Gav, _calm down_ , this is why we rehearse.” Ray reassured him, practically rolling his eyes as he did. 

“Who throws a tantrum over a failed stunt?” Geoff called out in a joking tone.

“Babies!” Michael hollered back, just as light heartedly, throwing himself dramatically back up onto the trampoline as Ray slapped Gavin lightly around the head and told him to get his butt back on the bar. 

Gavin’s heart sank when, once again, Michael hit the net.

\---

That night Gavin found himself back on the roof of the trailer, somewhere he hadn’t been since his first day with the troupe. He waited until everyone else seemed to be asleep before creeping out, carrying a steaming cup of milk up with him. Hopefully it’d let him drift off once he decided to return to the bed. It wasn’t Ray who joined him up there this time, though. It was Ryan. Disentangling himself from the mass of limbs interlocking across the bed hadn’t been easy, and he guessed he hadn’t been as subtle as he first thought. As the illusionist hoisted himself up onto the roof, Gavin barely spared him a glance. Feeling him settle down beside him, he passed the mug over, letting Ryan take a sip before handing it back. 

A comfortable silence filled the air until Ryan spoke.

“What’s up, love?”

“Nothing.” Gavin replied, mumbling around the rim of the mug, the steam warming his already heated face. 

“Something makes me think you’re lying.” He retorted, eyebrow raised and hands taking the mug away from the younger lad’s face and setting it down on his other side. 

Sighing, he looked stretched his legs over the edge of the trailer and looked at his hands as he spoke. “I don’t think I can do it.”

“The stunt?” Gavin nodded, and Ryan shuffled closer, pulling him against his chest with one arm.

“You’ll be fine, you’ve come on a ton since you arrived.” 

“What if it’s not enough?” His voice was muffled against the fabric of Ryans T-shirt.

“Look, Burnie’s not telling you to get out there tomorrow and do it.” Ryan reasoned, “You have time, you can practise. If it’s going badly, they won’t make you do it.” Sitting up, Gavin wiped at the stress induced moisture that had gathered in his eyes.

“You sure?” Kissing away the stray tear on his cheek, and taking the young lad’s face in his hands, he met his eyes with soft concern, and addressed him in a voice just as soft.

“Gavin. Think about what you’re saying. You think Burnie would put any of us in danger? Do you _really_ think he would ask you to do this if he thought you couldn’t?”

Gavin smiled, sniffling and wiping at his eyes again, pulling away in embarrassment for what must have been the most pathetic display of weakness to date. “I guess not.” He mumbled, as Ryan rubbed the spot between his shoulder blades lovingly.

“I know not.” 

In the silence that followed he found himself letting out the thought he had been mulling over all day, despite biting his lip trying to keep it back.

“Michael and Ray-”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Ryan interrupted, a finger to Gavin’s lips. “I know what you’re going to say. _Michael and Ray have better chemistry than Michael and me_ ,” He mocked in that phony English accent they had all come to use when Gavin started acting up. “I’ll let you in on some information. Michael and Ray? They were the first to get together out of all of us. It barely took them two weeks and they’ve been inseparable ever since. I think the closest bond outside of that clusterfuck is Jack and Tamara, and you’ve seen how much trust they have. Don’t let that stop you from trusting yourself, Gav. It’s been nearly a year since you came here, and you’ve come so far, _and_ you were fucking great before that anyway. You. can. do. this.” Slinging an arm around Gavin, he pulled him close, placing a kiss to the lad’s sandy hair. 

“Thanks, Ryan.” Gavin mumbled, attempting to snuggle closer. 

“No worries, love.” With a roll of his shoulder he pushed Gavin away, “Now go get some sleep, just because we aren’t doing shows, doesn’t mean we get to sleep in every day.”

“You not coming?” Gavin asked once he had reached the ladder and realised Ryan wasn’t following him. 

“I’m up now.” Ryan shrugged, sending a pang of guilt through Gavin, he was well aware of Ryan’s sleep issues, and he had been the one to wake him up.

“Sorry, Ry.” All he received was another shrug in reply and a motion shooing him away.

\---

He didn’t think about it again once he woke up, instead putting all of his focus into the final day. It was a much more relaxed atmosphere, with everyone knowing they had a few hours left before their break. Once the last evening performance was concluded and they had called all out and over, everyone got to work clearing out the tent. The actual structure would remain for another week, until they needed to deconstruct completely and move onto the first town in their return to the season in a months time. 

Ray and Gavin were just packing up the last of the tarp from the walkways when they heard it.

“Mommy, mommy, look! It’s the flying men!” Gavin looked up at the high pitched squeal to see a little girl in a sparkly red dress that was much too fancy for a location like this, her hair scraped up into two messy pigtails on the top of her head that danced around her face as she jumped up and down. Ray laughed and waved, and Gavin did the same while the girl tugged on her mom’s hand. 

"Yes, Lucy dear, that's very nice, but we really need to go, they're busy." The lady replied, attempting to pull the girl - Lucy - away only to have her let go of the grip and dart towards them with her mom crying her name after her. Sprinting fast, she barely took seconds to reach them, and Gavin stopped folding the sheets for a moment, leaving them in a crumpled pile in the back of the truck. 

“Lucy! Come here,” She hissed, grabbing the little girl tightly around her wrist, “I’m sorry boys, she needs to learn to stay put.” 

“It’s not a problem, ma’am,” Ray smiled politely, reaching out with one hand he shook the little girl’s tiny one, “We love meeting the audience, makes us feel happy right here.” Ray touched his finger to the child's chest and she giggled, holding both hands over the spot when he pulled back. Gavin smiled fondly at his boyfriend. 

“Did you like the show?” Ray asked in a pitch of voice that was not completely his own. She nodded excitedly. 

“I like when you let go of the bars and flip and stuff,” she explained, mimicking the movements with her hands. She blushed and shyly looked at Gavin.

"I’ll tell you a secret." She whispered, gesturing for Gavin to come closer. As he bent down, she cupped her hands around her mouth and put her lips near the performers ear, "You were my fav’rite." The volume was no where near whispering and as she pulled away giggling, he had to shake himself to avoid the flinch, knowing she didn’t mean it. 

"Yeah no kidding, you've made me and daddy come see them 3 times already." She said rolling her eyes 

“Whoa! Three times? That’s awesome!” Gavin smiled, holding a hand out for a high five, which Lucy returned excitedly. 

“I wish I could fly like you,” she said in a reverent tone that made Gavin freeze and the smile drop from his face for just a moment before a fake, forced on take its place.

“That’s sweet, I’d love you to join us in the top of the tent when you’re older,” Gavin replied, tapping Lucy lightly on the nose, making her giggle and blush.

"I’m going to fly just like you," she insisted with that same blissfully innocent expression, not noticing the almost pained expression on Gavin’s face. Thankfully, the mother did, ushering her daughter away with a ‘thank you’ and a wave.

“There, even she can see that you can do it.” Ray said smugly as they watched the pair leave. 

“She’s a kid!” He argued back, but the fight was gone from his voice, eyes watering as he struggled to keep it together. Ray, ever the empathetic boyfriend, didn’t fail to pick up on it immediately. Dumping the plastic sheeting down into the back of the trailer, he took hold of Gavin’s hands, and sat down on the edge, the vehicle sinking under his weight.

“This is really getting to you, isn’t it.” Gavin huffed, pulling away from Ray’s hand to pace heavily before him. Ray watched with sad eyes, letting him vent his frustrations on the ground. 

“I just don’t wanna screw up. It’s not just the stunt that goes wrong, Michael could get hurt, and I can’t do that to him.” His voice broke at the last second, and he flopped down heavily onto the grass with a groan. Looking up when the sun was blocked in shadow, he squinted up at Ray, who was leaning over him, body outlined by light.

“You won’t go wrong. I promise.” 

“How do you know?” Gavin asked, sighing. Ray scoffed. 

“I just do. Give me a little credit, won’t you?” Reaching behind him he lifted the crumbled tarp from the trailer and dropped it down on top of Gavin, who gave out a squeak when he was assaulted by plastic, “And yourself too.” 

 

\---

The shows were over, the tent had been hollowed out to the state it had been when Gavin first arrived, and everyone was enjoying their first moments of freedom in 11 months. Well, everyone but Gavin, who had been woken up _yet again_ at the crack of dawn by his bearded boyfriend tugging on his leg. Grumbling, he tried to roll over again, using Michael’s arm - which was flopped over his head like a shield - as protection; but Jack was having none of it, and he soon found himself pulling on a sweater and following Jack out of the trailer. 

“What do you want? Where are we going?” Gavin whined, dragging his limbs dramatically as he pouted. 

“Just follow me.” Jack replied, not even looking at Gavin as he directed the lad around the back of the tent, the boy slowly realising where they were heading. Tamaras truck. 

“I’ve been talking to Ray.” Jack said quietly, still not looking at Gavin, so he missed the huff that he received in reply.

Rolling his eyes, he shrugged Jack’s arm off his shoulder, “Is everyone in this relationship gonna kidnap me and tell me I’m overreacting about this dumb stunt?” Only to receive a slap to the back of his head in response.

“Just shut up and try listening to us.” The early dawn streamed light into the open sided truck where the lioness was sleeping. Her fur glowed, radiating a golden light as she shifted into a more comfortable sleeping position. 

“I was terrified.” Jack whispered, eyes focused on the creature lazing calmly on the rock, “The first time I took Tamara into the ring.” 

Deciding it was best not to reply yet, Gavin just leaned on the gate railing separating them from her, chin leaning on his forearms while he listened, just as Jack had asked. 

“I kept thinking she was going to get out, that I wouldn’t be able to control her and she’d just massacre everyone. I had nightmares for the first month I was here, waking up at 2am and running out to the truck to check she was still there, making sure there wasn’t blood splattering the walls.” Gavin simply nodded along, he couldn’t very much interrupt Jack to ask him why the hell that had anything to do with his situation. “It never happened, of course, but I couldn't help but feel like it was going to. That it would happen, whether I could stop it or not. Eventually I realised my worry was stressing Tam out, as well as everyone else, and she was getting just as nervous as I was," Seeing her waking up, Gavin stepped away from the bars and opened his mouth to reply to his boyfriend, but Jack held up a hand to stop him. “I know what you’re thinking, she’s a lion, you’re a human, this is completely different,” Gavin almost reeled back at Jack’s surprise intuition. 

“What I’m trying to say is nothing is ever as bad as it seems, and if you keep thinking the worst will happen then it will, because you won’t be trying to stop it. Waiting for the ‘Inevitable’” He continued, holding up his hands in air quotes either side of his head, “is just going to make you expect it, and then you’re definitely going to fail.” Gavin felt a hand ruffle his hair, and stood up a bit straighter. Jack was looking directly at him, a soft smile on his lips and a look of love in his eyes. 

“We love you, we trust you, and we know that if the day comes and you feel like you just can’t do it yet, that you’ll tell Burnie to fuck the hell off.” He laughed when Tamara, sensing his presence, had wandered over and was now nuzzling up to his hand through the bars. 

“Someone wants to come out and play.” He chuckled, unhooking the lock. Gavin, still unsure about being around the girl even after all this time, backed up. 

“I’ll leave you to it then.” All he received was an eye roll in response, noting that he’d been getting those a lot lately, and a small distracted wave that was directed just over his left shoulder.  
He walked away with hands in his pockets and a lot on his mind. 

\---

“You can do this, Gavin. You can fucking do this, just do it.” Gavin mumbled to himself as he chalked up his hands. It was late, almost into the early hours of the morning, and the tent had emptied leaving only the six alone under the big top. Michael was bouncing up and down at the bottom end of the trampoline, shaking out his limbs in preparation. 

This was it. The next morning they would pack up and leave for Austin again, the big top collapsed, and the trailers loaded. As soon as they arrived in the city that Gavin hadn’t seen since his first month there, they would be straight into arrangements for the first show of the season. He had to get it right now, before he lost his nerve more than anything. 

It wasn’t even that he didn’t believe in himself anymore, he’d just built up such a huge thing around this that it felt like the whole world was on his shoulders. 

He heard a shout from below, his name being called by Ray who was holding his arm out like a starting flag, and Gavin noticed Michael was waiting for him to go. 

Dropping down once more, he signalled to Ray that he was ready; and with all his focus, he trained eyes and attention on his boyfriend. Worries drifted away, concerns became a thing of the past, and he found himself barely even taking it in as he picked up momentum perfectly, breathing steady and chalked hands stopping the sweaty palms he should have. 

Air tunneling around him, he felt a sense of calm wash over him, and was delighted when he saw his boyfriend moving swiftly towards him, hitting that X with exact precision and throwing himself into the open air. Fingers brushed, hands met wrists and Gavin heard the excited cheers from down below as he looked down at Michael’s grinning face. Lips mouthed around the words “I knew you could do it,” but the sound was lost to the blood roaring in his ears.

Eventually Michael dropped off from his wrists, landing with a bounce on the net and laying there, looking up at Gavin with a cool calm. 

Now he just had to do it again, and again, and then again in front of hundreds of people. 

Wonderful. 

\---

The weeks off were spent alternating between small rehearsals and just chilling out. Barbara, Arryn and the clowns left a few days in to spend some time alone, visiting the nearby cities; returning only for the travel back to Austin before shooting off again. The rest just ducked in and out of the camp, Gavin would see the odd person rustling through bags in their trailers before jumping into the car and driving off. 

Gavin and his boyfriends only stayed because of Jack. A guy who had a pet to take care of and refused to leave, and ever the doting boyfriends, they stuck around too. No one seemed to mind. After all they spent 11 months out of the year there, it just felt like home. At first Gavin had tried to arrange a visit to England, since he hadn’t seen his family since he moved, and had barely even spoken to them in months. They didn’t even know about his relationship. Unfortunately that fell through and he settled for locating a wifi hot-spot and Skype calling them, promising to see them eventually. Maybe Christmas. 

The time went by way too quickly, and in what felt like no time at all, they were welcoming everyone back and setting themselves up the start the season all over again. 

Settling back into the routine of show preparation was easy, it felt like they hadn’t stopped at all, and it was definitely a small comfort when Gavin found himself with Ryan and Jack on an early morning, heaving up poles and canvas to re-erect the Big Top in the dusty dawn light. 

The main rigs had been up for a few days already, giving he and Michael quite a bit of breathing room for practice. They had the stunt down to a T now, he hadn’t missed a catch since that first day he tried it, and now it was just the anticipation that was getting him in a knot. 

Show day came up way too quickly in Gavin’s opinion, yet every night felt like it lasted a lifetime. Audience came in, tickets were torn, guests were directed to their seats, and before he knew it the lights were going down and Geoff was announcing the first act. 

It went as planned, of course, it wasn’t the first time most of this had been done after all. Cheers echoed through backstage and, again before he knew it, he was being called out along with Ray and the pair of SIlk artists. Ray gave his hand an encouraging squeeze before they separated to their own sides, and Michael kissed him lightly on the lips as he and Lindsay darted out through the curtain. 

Ray and Gavins act went without a hitch right until the last minute, when some asshole in the audience disregarded the rules and took a series of pictures, the flash startling both performers. Luckily, they were near enough to the end that they could finish without too much disruption but, the second the spotlights on the bridges cut out, Burnie was on the mic reminding everyone - in the nicest way he could manage - that flash photography was _not_ allowed in any way. A faint “oops, sorry!” that didn’t sound even vaguely apologetic, echoed from one of the lower rows followed by a bout of arguing before Burnie cut them off and introduced what would be the final stunt. _The Stunt_.

Gavin would be straight up lying if he said the flash hadn’t thrown him. It’d been head on in front of him, the light blinding him worse than any spotlight, and he would admit it to Ray, but he nearly mucked up the ending. He came embarrassingly close to hitting the net all because he let the stupid light distract him. He was trained better than that, and he could have slapped himself for his reaction. 

Unfortunately, he couldn’t express his concerns to Ray even if he wanted to. The other performer had already descended the ladder on his own side, Gavin remaining in preparation for the big finale. 

He was on edge, the whole lead up he was darting his attention back to that spot where the guy had the camera. He didn’t know what he was expecting, for the guy to do it again? HIs heart was beating too fast, his palms so sweaty that he needed to chalk them twice more before be could even consider grabbing the trapeze again. Then the spotlight was reflecting on Michael while he started up the routine, doing a number of complex jump combinations on the trampoline. Before he could get his head around it, the drums were rolling, the anticipation growing and his hands were slipping as he swung into his own part of the routine. 

His heart was still pounding, his attention flicking to and from that spot in the audience just to make sure. That was too much. Too much because he wasn’t looking when Michael hit the X, he wasn’t fully focused when Michael flipped, over and over, down the trampoline towards him. He was half looking at that damn man in the audience when his boyfriend came hurtling towards him, arms outstretched, perfect in his approach. 

He felt hands reach for him, fingers brushing his wrist as they waited for him Gavin to hold on. He scrambled for the grip, but he was already flying backwards again, the momentum of the trapeze not allowing him to stay there long enough. His boyfriend wasn’t with him when he flew backwards and the last thing Gavin saw before the world descends into anarchy is Michael plummeting into the blotchy darkness below the spotlight, almost in slow motion but too fast all at once, a look on his face that read fear, shock… betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go with the notes
> 
> 1) Thank you to my friend Oaky (agentoklahoma) for helping me out with the little girl scene, evidently I know nothing about small children.  
> 2) The stunt and accident in this was based off an article I read months ago, it was also the reason this whole AU came to be. Can I find the article now? can I fuck ¬_¬  
> 3) reminder that I have a tumblr (glackedandmullered same as here) if you wanna come and yell at me or ask me things about this AU feel free, I honestly find that the most fun out of anything to do :D  
> 4) I forgot I never stated their ages properly so here they are 
> 
> Geoff - 26 // Ryan - 23 // Jack - 22 // Gavin - 19 // Michael - 19 // Ray - 18
> 
> or at least they were at the start, they've had birthdays now but...i'm lazy
> 
> thank you so much for your continued support on this fic <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firstly apologies for the lack of replies to your comments, I really really appreciate them and I'm sorry if I haven't got to yours, there are only so many times I can say THANK YOU before it sounds like I'm lying! (never lying okay, always love them.)
> 
> Also this fic now has an official soundtrack thanks to iwatchedyoufall on tumblr! http://8tracks.com/huggermuggered/what-goes-up 
> 
> Sooooo, I better just let you read!

As they say, the show must go on. 

Though no one felt like stepping onto that stage the next day, or the day after, they had to. Tickets were sold out, and the patrons didn’t seem to care about the blood stain they had to scrub off, or the missing half of a well loved act. Gavin wanted to say fuck ‘em, so did everyone else to be honest, but Matt shook his head and told them it wasn’t possible. 

The show must go on. 

Ray went back to a solo act for three shows. Gavin just couldn’t bring himself to get on the trapeze, he kept staring at that spot in the ring. The place where Michael had been laying, blood pooling around his head and arm bent at an unnatural angle. His head shuffled through images like a cruel picture show, slide after slide of memories that plagued him. 

_The crowd were up out of their seats before Michael even hit the ground. It wasn’t hard to see that something had gone wrong, that the missed catch wasn’t part of the act. It didn’t take a genius to realize that the scream from backstage was real, and terrified. All the stage hands immediately jumped up to usher everyone safely outside, calming their fears though their hearts were racing._

_As soon as the world had sped back up, once the feeling of open air against his hands told him things had gone horribly wrong, Gavin let the momentum carry him to the platform, and he staggered onto it. He completely ignored the fact that no one was there to help him, stumbling down the ladder with shaking limbs, hands and feet slipping on the last few rungs, and he barely registered the sharp pain in his shoulder from the impact with the ground. All he could focus on was getting to Michael._

_He wasn’t moving. That was the first thing Gavin realised, he wasn’t moving, and he hadn’t moved in the brief time since he had fallen. His knees skidded on the rough ground, probably tearing into his pants but he didn’t care, his bones jolting with the shock of hitting the floor. People were shouting, yelling and screaming, feet pounded around him but they felt like they were a mile away. He felt like he was a mile away._

_His first instinct was to reach out, to shake Michael and make him wake up, but that was sickeningly wrong. He barely even got a chance to raise his hand before he was being stopped._

_“Don’t touch him!” Burnie shouted, crossing the floor in barely a handful of steps, practically leaping across the ring to reach them._

_“The ambulance is on its way.” Matt announced, hand still clutching his phone tightly, but looking a hell of a lot calmer than everyone else in the vicinity._

_“Gavin.” Ray’s voice was soft by his ear, hands pulling him back but he didn’t want move. Michael needed him, he **needed** him to be there. _

_He had no idea how long they had been trying to pull him away but now there were people in uniforms all around him, and when he glanced up, the tent was almost empty. Almost empty save for his boys stood over him, Matt and Gus to the side, and Burnie talking to someone he didn’t know in low tones._

_“Come on, Gav, they need to help him.” He finally let Ray tug him backwards, swaying as his muscles strained from being forced out of their position after so long. Michael still hadn’t moved._

_The second he was on his feet, he knew his target, red clouding his vision._

_“This is all your fault!” Gavin screamed, throwing himself at Burnie, fists beating on the man’s broad chest, “You made us do this fucking stunt!” Burnie didn’t move as he screamed incoherently, letting him vent out his frustrations as Ryan came up behind him, and he was grabbed around the waist, pulled off Burnie._

_“Gavin calm down...stop, we need to get to the hospital.” Ryan’s voice was soothing to his anger but acted like a hammer to the glass holding in his true emotions, tears streaming down his face and his chest heaving as he fell to his knees._

_“He’s gonna die.”_

_“Shut up, Gavin. Just shut up.” Ray hissed. Then his head got fuzzy, his body weak, and he felt the strangest sensation of falling, not unlike his drops from the trapeze, before there was pressure on his shoulder and then nothing._

He had come to with his head in Jack’s lap, a warm hand stroking through his sweat dampened hair. His boyfriend smiled softly when he noticed the lads eyes opening.

“You with us, Gav?” Ray asked from the side, crouching down to look at him. Jack helped as he nodded, raising his knee up slightly so Gavin had some support while he pushed himself into a sitting position, leaning back against Jacks warm chest. . 

“Wh-what happened?”

“You’re okay, just an adrenaline crash.” Jack cooed, rocking him ever so slightly. Slowly his senses returned to him, along with the sudden thought that he _knew_ why he was on the floor.

“Michael?” He asked, springing up, eyes wide and searching for the fallen boy. Jack shushed him, running a soothing hand up and down his arm. 

“In the hospital, Geoff and Ryan went with him.” The bearded man replied. He was getting to his knees behind Gavin, though his hands remained steady on his back, keeping him upright. He shook the last of the fog away and blinked a few times, breathing in slowly to wake himself up. 

“Why didn’t you?” There was the sound of a scoff to his left. 

“You passed out, we weren’t gonna leave you on the floor.” Ray sniffled, his eyes were red and he wasn’t even making the slightest attempt at pretending he wasn’t crying. From the bloodshot whites and irritated looking iris’s, Gavin could tell he hadn’t taken his contacts out, normally doing that at the end of every show, to switch for his glasses. He felt a pang of sympathy pain from the soreness he’d be going through. 

After some deep breaths and many blinks to clear his blurry vision, he was feeling himself enough to stand, reaching out his hands to let the crying boy pull him to his feet, Jack thankfully steadying him as he swayed; but the second he was vertical, his attention was drawn to the ground, only a couple of feet away from him. 

Blood.

Soaked into the ground, pooled on the surface. 

Michael’s blood.

“I- I feel sick.” He whimpered, swallowing heavily at the bile rising up his throat, and the heavy breathing he couldn’t seem to control; his hands had started to shake too, stomach feeling like someone had dropped a bag of rocks into it. 

“You’re fine. Just breathe.” Jack reassured, forcing him to tear his eyes away from the sight, instead looking at his boyfriends, “Breathe.” He repeated when Gavin’s thin chest continued to heave, a hand found its place in the centre of his chest, the pressure calming him somewhat; though he couldn’t miss the fine tremor passing to his skin. 

“I’ve got the car outside if you want a ride.” Burnie was poking his head around the canvas, keys jingling in his hand. 

“I can drive.” Burnie raised his eyebrows at Jack, before his face fell into a frown. 

“You’re shaken up, Jack. I don’t want you driving.” 

He didn’t even bother fighting back, resigning to the fact that he was in no way prepared to drive safely. As they passed by Burnie, Gavin noticed the thick streaks of blood running down his grey pants, flecks also decorating his shirt. 

He wrapped an arm around Ray’s waist and held him close. 

\---

“I don’t want him here.” That had been the first thing Geoff had said when the rest of them arrived at the hospital. Storming out of the ward like a whirlwind, finger pointed threateningly towards Gavin, face twisted into a snarl. 

“Geoff…” Ray started, stepping between the two. 

“I want him to leave.” Gavin shook his head. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Geoff.” The older man growled, fucking _growled_ , and stepped around Ray, pinning Gavin to the wall, an arm across his chest, with almost bruising force. 

“When you first came here what did you say to me?”

“I-” he didn't even get a chance to reply before he was being interrupted, slammed against the wall again, so hard he felt his bones shudder. 

“I know my limits. That’s what you said. I know my limits and I’ll never hurt him.” Geoff was mocking, imitating his voice, and not in that fun way that they often did, Gavin could tell He wasn’t done and kept his mouth shut. “I know you were talking about Ray but Michael is in there right now because of something you did.”

Finally stepping in, Ryan reached over to pull Geoff off him, grabbing his blood splattered shirt by the back of his collar. 

“That’s not fair, Geoff.” He hissed harshly, putting his body between Gavin and Geoff, subconsciously protecting the younger from any further attacks. Geoff let out a barking laugh, throwing his hands in the air at seeing the reaction he was receiving, like he couldn't believe they couldn't see what he was seeing. 

“Not fair? I’ll tell you what’s not fair! Michael! Lying in a hospital bed with no solid yes or no if he’s going to survive!” He let out an angry half screech deep in his throat before turning and storming away, back into Michael’s room where they saw him take a seat by the bed on the farthest side. Michael was out of view, but they had no doubt that's where he was. Ryan clenched his fists, definitely looking like he was ready to follow Geoff into the room, but knew better than to cause more of a scene than they already had, and in a hospital too. At their boyfriends bedside. 

Gavin stood there, shell shocked. He hadn't expected Geoff to be so angry, for anyone to be. It had been an accident, absolutely an accident, he would never have done that to Michael on purpose, Geoff must know that, he _must._

A hand found it’s way onto his shoulder, a firm grip that could only be Jacks; comforting and calm. “He doesn’t mean it, he’s just scared.” Ray sniffed, scrubbing his sore, red eyes with his fists as he slumped down onto the hard plastic chairs lining the walls of the hallway. 

“We all are.” 

“I am too.” Gavin replied indignantly, forehead creased into a frown. 

Ray reached out a hand tiredly, barely gripping Gavins, but the gentle touch was enough. He followed Ray’s tug so that he was sitting down beside him, accepting the soothing pattern Rays thumb was making on the skin of his hand. “I know.” 

“You know him, Gav, he has misplaced anger when he’s upset.” Jack tried to defend best he could, leaning against the wall beside the pair, the half hearted protest dying pretty fast. It was obvious to anyone that they all thought Geoff was overreacting, but it hurt him deep down to think that. This whole thing was just a goddamn mess, and he wasn’t sure what it would take to fix it. 

“He was like this after Ray’s accident too.”

Gavin peeked up at Ryan when he spoke. He wasn’t even looking at them, his attention completely focused on the pair in the ward. Gavin couldn’t even bring himself to stand up and glance through that window, he didn’t dare. He couldn’t picture what Ryan was looking at, he didn’t _want_ to either. 

“Practically tore the guy to shreds after that.” Jack continued for him, shrugging at the questioning noise Ray made. Hadn’t he known about that? Going by the confused expression on his face, no, apparently not. 

Gavin gulped. 

“He loves you.” Jack added quickly, sensing the unease bleeding through the Brit’s head. 

“Doesn’t feel like it.” He mumbled shakily, reaching up and unsteady hand to brush the hair out of his eyes, the hairspray and glitter falling limp now after hours in his locks. 

“We’re all in shock.” Ryan whispered, barely audible, “He just doesn’t know how to handle anything.” Gavin couldn’t help but notice the bitter undertone seeping into his voice. 

Jack clapped him on the shoulder, “But hey, this is Michael we’re talking about. If anyone can pull through it’s him.” They all nodded along with him, but it didn’t make Gavin feel the slightest bit better. 

Letting the tension simmer away, Jack changed his attention to a more pressing matter.

“What did the doctor say?” He asked Ryan quietly, getting a quick glance of his own through the window, the wince not at all helping with Gavins nerves. Other than Geoff, Ryan was the one most likely to know anything about Michael’s condition, and it didn’t look like he was going to be getting anything out of Geoff anytime soon. 

“It’s hopeful.” He replied with a sad smile, “He woke up briefly in the ambulance, scared and hurting like hell but they said it’s really good that he was conscious.” 

The blood pulsing through his head was dizzying, blurring his vision. 

“When do they think he’ll wake up again?”

Ryan sighed. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Gavin felt sick again. 

“I don’t know. They put him in a medically induced coma,” Lowering his voice as he continued, obviously trying to keep his words from the younger two standing awkwardly behind but failing miserably, “his right collar bone is shattered, hip dislocated, a couple of broken and fractured ribs, and fractures in his legs. They’ll be taking him for surgery soon to fix internal bleeding, and then the main thing they’ll be watching out for is swelling in his brain.” Ryan’s breathing was unsteady by the end, moisture in his eyes threatening to spill over. So used to being the strong one, calm and collected at every turn, Gavin could see it was taking everything in him not to breakdown, to keep clinical. It didn’t last. 

“He’s a mess.” The last word came out as a sob and Jack quickly bundled him up in his arms, holding him together though he looked so close to falling apart. Ray leapt to his feet and joined the embrace, holding his body to leave room for one more; but Gavin couldn’t bring himself to stand up, lest he throw up, pass out, or flee down the hallway and never look back.

“It’s okay, he’ll be fine. You heard Ray, if anyone can bounce back it’s Michael.” Ryan nodded against Jack’s shoulder, Gavin wincing at the mans choice of words. Bounce back. What a bitch of a phrase.

It felt like hours but really wasn’t that long before things were moving along again. Geoff was kicked out of the room, much to his frustration, Gavin staying behind and out of sight just in case he said or did anything wrong. 

Much to the dismay of his boyfriends, Gavin chose not to go in and see Michael. He briefly saw the bed as it was wheeled away down the hallway towards surgery, caught the smallest glimpse of Michael before the doors closed on him. Jack convinced Ray that there was nothing more they could do for him since visiting hours would be more than over by the time he got out of surgery, and they could all do with a rest. Gavin agreed, Ryan refused. Geoff had no comment and disappeared through the front door before anyone could say a word to him. 

That first night, they really missed Michael’s presence. 

Returning home without him was weird, without Ryan or Geoff, just the three of them in an almost silent car. Pulling up in front of the tent, lights all extinguished, and space long since vacated, gave them all pounding heads and tears in their eyes. It looked so normal. Like nothing had even happened. 

A note, messily written out and taped to the door with a scrap of duct tape read _we love you_ , clearly in Caiti’s handwriting, Jack mused. Gavin took it inside and taped it to the bedroom door, so he could see it from the bed. 

It took him until Ray handed him a wet wipe to realise he was still wearing the face paint from the show. It was obviously sweat worn and smudged from tears, but even at the hospital, he had been that guy with make up on. He hadn’t even noticed that Ray still had his on too. His hands were shaking too much to hold the wipe, but Jack took it from his hands, gently shushing him as he cleaned off the paint in small soothing motions. 

He fell asleep before Jack had even finished. 

Geoff didn’t come in until the early hours of the morning, black out drunk, hanging off Ryan’s arm with a giddy smile on his face. Gavin knew he had come back, because he was woken up by the loud door slam, and the light that streamed in through through the bedroom door. 

“I love you, Gavvy Wavvy.” He slurred, as he face planted onto the bed after Ryan dropped him to take him clothes off. Half asleep and on the other side of the bed, Gavin didn’t find himself believing it at all. 

“Whatever.” The gent mumbled into the pillow when Gavin didn’t respond. He felt a hand reach across from the middle of the bed to his waist, and smiled sadly, blinking in the dark to see Rays eyes looking back at him. When Ray closed his eyes, so did Gavin. 

\---

 

In the days that followed, Gavin did everything he could to avoid joining his boyfriends in visiting Michael's bedside. It wasn't that he didn't want to go, it wasn't even that Geoff was making him nervous with all the side looks and frowns. The doctors had informed them that every day Michael didn't wake up reduced his chances of ever opening his eyes again, and Gavin just couldn't handle that. It had now been more than a week. His time was ticking away. 

The circus was suffering too. As hard as they tried, everyone just couldn't shake the concern, the sadness. Anyone could see that they weren't in it one hundred percent, their smiles not quite reaching their eyes; their stunts didn't suffer, consummate performers until the end of course, but the heart was just lacking. He could tell the audience noticed, though they continued on enjoying the performance, never questioning it. 

Kara stopped giving out programmes when she took tickets, since they never knew day to day which performers would be there. Burnie pretty much took over as ringmaster, as Geoff was hardly ever sober enough to get out there without throwing beer bottles into the crowd. He wasn’t as good, didn’t have the same flair, but they rolled with it. It was just another speed bump they had to get over. 

Gavin took Rays solos, to let him spend every visiting hour he could get at Michael's bedside, and he refused to comment when the boy told him to join them. 

Every day he dealt with a question, ‘how is he?’, ‘how are you guys holding up?’, ‘if you need anything just ask.’ All so well meaning but he couldn’t answer, he didn’t _know_ the answers. He had barely spoken to his boyfriends in the last ten days, only hearing the odd ‘goodnight’ and accepting an occasional peck on the cheek. 

He wished they would all act like Geoff, he didn’t deserve the niceties they were smothering him with. He didn’t deserve it because it was _all his fault. ___

__He didn’t want them to forgive him._ _


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys the response to this fic has been overwhelming, I know we're 7 parts in now and omg I hit 40k which is major for me, but I should say it. I can't believe the feedback and hype I've had over this. (still waiting for fanart but shhh maybe one day :P) I can't thank you enough for your support <3
> 
> So since the next one is probably going to be a while, I thought I would upload this one as soon as I finished instead of hoarding it.

Two weeks. 

Over two weeks, actually. 17 long days since Michael’s accident and things weren’t looking up. Jack had received the call over a week ago that they had begun to wean him off the sedation keeping him in the coma, they had all sat around the speakerphone and let out a collective sigh of relief until they realised the nurse hadn’t finished talking, because he had yet to come round.

It was normal for the first few hours, the drugs needed time to leave his system once they started to slowly pull him off them, so for the first day it was okay. After two days they had begun to really worry, it was one thing for the doctors to be telling them he was being kept asleep, another thing entirely for him to be staying that way when he should wake up. The nurses reassured them, carefully reminding them that his injuries - not to mention the accident as a whole - had been traumatic, and he may just need a little extra time. 

After that they started to slip into time frames that made their hearts skip a beat every time they were answered _he’s still unconscious,_ giving them headaches like drums beating a relentless rhythm against their skulls.

Here they were, nine days later and he still hadn’t opened his eyes. 

Over and over they were told that he _should_ have woken up by now, he just hadn’t. 

Gavin watched over time as the other four returned from hospital visits looking wearier, paler, and sicker that the last; they barely spoke, just curled up together with the curtains drawn and the lights off, hiding from the world they couldn’t stand to be in.

The doctors wouldn’t flat out say it, but they knew what it meant. Without the sedation, he should be breathing on his own, thinking, waking; but he just wasn’t. A nice nurse told Ray that it didn’t seem like it was anything medical, they couldn’t identify a physical reason why the gymnast hadn’t come round. 

“It’s like he doesn’t want to wake up.” Ray sobbed on to Gavin’s shoulder that night after he returned. “I don’t understand.” 

Unsure of what to say, Gavin hadn’t let out a peep, instead letting the single tear drip down his cheek, heart darkening once more at the guilt swirling in his chest. 

\---

“You need to go see him, Gav.” Ray sighed, taking hold of the pillow that was pressed against the Brits face, trying to pull it away but failing. Gavin had shut himself in the bedroom for almost a whole day, that pillow hiding his face, while he stayed flat on his back on the bed.  
Ray had taken the matinee performance for the third day in a row but, unlike everyone else, Gavin hadn’t used his free time to visit Michael, he had used it to mope. Maybe to cry just a little. 

“Geoff doesn’t-” His words that were being muffled against the pillow were cut off by a slap to from above that Ray somehow managed to land right where his nose was. 

“Geoff doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Using the hand he wasn’t holding the pillow with, he groped around in the air for any body part of Ray’s that he could shift off him, “He doesn’t want me there.” It was probably true, he hadn’t asked Geoff, Geoff hadn’t even said a word to him in days; but he was an easier scapegoat so he lied. 

“Fuck him! He’s being an asshole. Michael’s your boyfriend too.” Gavin had never been more grateful for Ray’s words than he had when he spoke in the present tense, and not the past. Though he sounded pretty pissy, from what Gavin’s minimal empathy could detect. 

He laid there, breathing heavily into the pillow on his face, holding it looser now that Ray had let go. The younger performer huffed, and Gavin heard the door creak open. 

“Jack, help me out here.” Gavin could have groaned at the sound of another pair of feet padding over to the doorway. 

“Is he still refusing to go?”

“He doesn’t think Geoff will let him.” Jack shrugged, sharing a look with Ray that went straight over Gavins head since as he couldn’t see them. 

“He doesn’t get a say.” In response, Gavin simply turned away, keeping the pillow flat over his head as he shifted onto his side. The bed dipped beside him, and a large hand rested on his hip. 

“You know if you two don’t start talking to each other, this is never going to get fixed.” Finally, Gavin lowered the pillow, peeking over the top at his bearded boyfriend who was staring at him with sad eyes. 

“What if he never forgives me?” He asked meekly, locking eyes with Jack.

“He will.” Ray was looking at the floor, not a huge vote of confidence but it’s the best he was gonna get.

Jack sighed, “Fix this, don’t make us choose between you and him.”

“Because you’ll choose him?” A look akin to hurt flashed briefly across Jack’s features, _great, something else to feel guilty about,_ before he schooled his expression. 

“Don’t make us choose.” He repeated simply, standing away from the bed, and dragging Ray with him as he moved through to the living room; leaving Gavin to drop the pillow back onto his face and let out a frustrated half screech into the squishy softness. 

_What else could go wrong?_

\---

"You owe it to him to at least go inside the building." Gavin let out a groan under his breath. He had gone for a walk around the forest lined fields in an attempt to get some fresh air and maybe a clear head; he hadn't expected Lindsay to follow him. 

"You think it's my fault Linds?" He sighed, not looking back at her. 

"Nope." She replied bluntly, "You're his boyfriend. You need to be at his bedside, like your other boyfriends are." He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, rocking forward on his toes before falling back into an easy stance, and sliding his hands back down to his sides. Why lie now? 

Taking a deep breath, he cast his eyes up to the sky, the clear blue without a cloud in sight, "I don't want to see him like that." He admitted quietly, hoping the breeze would carry his words away. 

Lindsay was silent for a moment, so silent Gavin almost thought she had left him alone, but the sudden sniffing and sharp intake of breath told him otherwise. 

"You think I do?" Her voice was shaky, and finally Gavin turned around to see her. He noticed the tears in her eyes. Of course he had forgotten about Lindsay, they all had; everyone was so focused on making sure the five boyfriends were alright that they forgot about the girl who had been his performing partner for years. They had a profound bond that only people who performed together could have, a solid understanding and love that was hard to match. She’d been without him for weeks too, adapting to the situation like a true artiste, but with no one to fall on. 

“Linds…” Gavin whispered, no hesitation as he reached out with both arms and held her against him, letting her cry softly onto his shoulder. It felt weird, knowing Lindsay as this strong, confident woman who had always seemed like a rock, sob like she had never cried before. 

“You need to go, Gavin.” She sniffled as she finally pulled away, pulling up the hem of her shirt to wipe her nose and eyes, “You do.” 

She walked away without looking back, and Gavin immediately turned around and slammed his head into the nearest tree. 

It was with a sore head and a heavy heart that he eventually wandered back to camp, through the entrance to the tent he could see Geoff ambling around the ring, hands moving in circles around his head as he obviously went over what he was to say. Gavin was happy to see that the man had picked himself up enough to get back to his ringmaster duties, and hadn’t dropped out of the show completely. It would be two great losses to the show. 

One great loss, He thought, slapping himself on the head and feeling the sting of the earlier lump beneath his hand, Michael wasn’t a loss yet. 

Ignoring Ray and Jack on the couch as he shuffled back into the trailer. he flopped onto the bed, setting up in his everyday position now, on his back, pillow hiding his face from the world.

\---

Gavin didn’t have to wait long for Ray to drag Ryan into this, but when he did it was with more force than the others would use. Ryan spared him no kindness, none at all as he slammed open the door, yanked the pillow out of the Brit’s arms, and dragged him feet first off the bed, where he hit the floor with a thump that echoed through the whole trailer. 

He was on his feet in no time, with the assistance of Ryan, barely even getting a chance to steady himself before he was being dragged forcefully through the trailer.

“Get in the car, you’re going to the hospital.” Ryan said, getting behind him, shoving him with two hands right in the middle of his back. Gavin looked to Ray and Jack for assistance, but they quickly diverted their eyes, smirking cheekily as they returned attention to the laptop. 

“Ry-” He tried as he stumbled down the steps, still being forced forward by Ryan’s presence alone, he sure could be intimidating when he needed to be. 

“You’re going to see Michael.” Ryan interrupted. 

“I can’t-”He found himself stopping, not of his own accord, and turned around, Ryan’s hands placed firmly on his shoulders. 

“This. is. not. your. fault.” Gavin diverted his attention down, blushing with shame as Ryan easily identified his troubles. He opened his mouth to fight back, to tell him that _yes_ it was his fault. It literally couldn’t have been anyone elses, but Ryan wasn’t going to let him, cutting him off immediately. “No, this was a stupid fucking accident and blaming yourself isn’t doing anything to help anyone.”

“I’m not...I just, I can’t.” A credit to Ryan for knowing exactly when he needed to grab Gavin by the shirt and tug him closer, firmly wrapping both his arms around the boys back so he sat snug against the older mans chest. A hand found its way to the back of Gavins head and he pressed a kiss to the top of his head as Gavin clung to the back of his shirt. 

“I don’t want to say goodbye to him.” He said in a hushed tone, barely audible but definitely there. 

“There’s the truth, at last.” Ryan replied just as softly, rubbing Gavin’s back in calming circles that bled the tension out of the Brit’s body so fast he almost fell over. Instead he was let go, and given a nudge to his ribs pointing him in the direction Ryan wanted him to go. 

“Get in the car.” 

Travelling through the rural greenery was strangely calming. It didn’t feel like they were going to a hospital, it felt like they were just two boyfriends taking a drive, and it felt nice, but oh so wrong at the same time, butterflies fluttering away in his stomach. 

Ryan kept the radio off, the only noise coming from the hum of the engine before Gavin decided to speak up.

“How are you staying so calm about this? I haven’t once seen you breakdown since it happened.” He asked, his eyes on the side of Ryan’s face since the man was concentrating intently on the road. “Everyone else has.”

“I was on the streets performing from fourteen years old. Four years before I met Gus and Burnie.” He replied matter of factly, flicking the turn signal with one hand and turning down the first road in the town. “Why do you think I was homeless?” In all honesty from Gavin, he had never considered that Ryan had done street magic as a lifestyle, he had always figured it was just a pastime. 

“I’ve dealt with loss, fair and otherwise, and I know all you can do is carry on.” There were years of ingrained pain lacing his words, and Gavin found himself wondering why he had kept this quiet for so long.

“Besides,” He shrugged, taking his eyes off the road just briefly, “I’m staying hopeful that we’re not going to lose him. You should too.”

Ryan returned his concentration to the road, and Gavin did the same, eyes narrowing on the large smooth building that was steadily getting closer. 

\---

He could have waited a century and he would have never been prepared to go inside that room. To see Michael lying there, pale as the sheets he was nestled under; wires attached all over his skin like he was some sort of experiment, and tubes dripping clear liquid slowly into every vein they could reach. Half of his hair had been shaved off - he would probably hate that if he woke up, though Ray would probably convince him that he looked badass - he thought absently. It only took him a few seconds to realise he had said _if_

He was Michael. He was going to wake up. 

His hands were artificially warm, the blood pumping via machine, breaths that rose and fell under the sheets aided by the vital - yet utterly disgusting - tube that protruded from his mouth, dragging the sides down into a forced frown. After two weeks in the medical coma, his brain had had time to heal, the swelling reduced dramatically according to the doctors who had explained his condition to Jack, who in turn had relayed it back to the rest; but his lungs were still struggling after the puncture. 

The silence was the most unnerving part. Not complete silence, of course, there was a steady stream of beeping coming from the machine to his right, a disturbing whirr from underneath, and the general hum of bustling hospital activity; but the lack of sound fro. Michael was just painful to listen to. Michael Jones always had something to say, always. Forever a biting reply, a comment cutting through a conversation, loud booming voice easily overpowering any discussion, no matter who was involved. Even when he slept he snored, not the loud ignorant kind that keeps you awake, just a soft sound with every breath he drew. 

Not now, though. Now he was painfully quiet, so quiet that Gavin wanted to scream. Wanted to explode and shake him awake, the bandages and bruises being the only thing stopping him from doing just that. 

"I'm sorry Michael." He whispered, leaning his head down to where their hands were clasped together on the sheets. Every touch had to be so carefully thought out; Michaels right shoulder was heavily bandaged, covering the incision site from the surgery to set his collarbone, his whole midsection was wrapped because of the hip dislocation, and large gauze pads had been fitted over the two separate cuts where they had gone in on two different occasions to fix the I renal bleeding and organ damage. 

In the end he had almost lost his spleen, had bones removed from a punctured lung, and bore holes drilled into his skull for the swelling that set in a couple of days after he had been brought in. It all didn't bear thinking about in Gavin's opinion, but Ryan had gone into unnecessarily deep detail when he had finished talking to the surgeons. Geoff had chugged half a bottle of vodka as soon as Michael went into surgery, he hadn't been able to hear much of anything until three days later. 

“Your doctor said we have to start preparing for the worst.” He mumbled into the sheets, the stiff fabric soaking up his tears faster than he could cry them. “I don’t want to.”

“You can’t die, Michael.” He stated slowly, raising his head up from the bed. “You can’t do that to us, you can’t let me do that to you.” _You can’t let me live with killing you,_ he thought but didn’t say say out loud.

No response. Not that he had expected one, it just would have been the best feeling to look up and see Michael smiling down on him, bright and cheerful like nothing ever happened.

“You have to wake up now.” 

Still no response, Gavin’s voice was rising, someone behind him telling him to quieten down, but he paid no heed.

“Wake up now, Michael.” He stood up fully, spreading his hands over Michael’s uninjured shoulder and shaking him, probably a little too roughly but he just needed a response. He needed to see Michael’s open eyes, he needed to see life beyond this moment right here, right now. 

SHaking more firmly, he was met once again with nothing, and tears streamed down his face suddenly, like someone had flicked a switch,. “Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!” 

Hands grabbed him around his waist and he screeched, desperately holding on to his boyfriend, scrambling away from the arms around him, “Sir, I need you to calm down, or you’ll have to leave. There are other patients here.” A calm, collected female voice said from behind him. He stopped struggling as he realised what he had done, what he had been doing. As he took in the concerned and angered responses of the patients around him, he once again felt a wave of shame wash over him.

“S-sorry. Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry.” He whispered, basically going limp like a rag doll in the arms of the security guard he now realised was holding him. Before anyone could stop him he stood up, staggering out of the ward, away from the prying eyes, away from Michael. He walked straight past Ryan who was nursing a coffee by the machine in the corridor, and didn’t look back to see if the man had followed him until he was tugging at the car door, tears still washing heavy down his face when the door clicked open and he threw himself onto the front seat. 

Geoff was the only one in the trailer when Gavin returned, Ryan hadn’t said anything as they pulled up at the camp site, simply letting him go on ahead before carrying on to his parking spot. The ringmaster had a couple of - most likely empty - bottles of beer on the countertop above him, another in his hand as he reclined on the couch headphone earbuds in and something playing on the laptop. He barely glanced up at the younger boy when he came through the door, but surprisingly reached to the side of the couch and pulled out a can, holding it out for Gavin to take. Which he did, suspicion in his eyes. 

“You went to see him.” Geoff stated, matter of factly, while taking a sip of his beer. Gavin only nodded, raising his own bottle to his lips. The man opened his mouth briefly before pursing his lips together and averting his eyes. Gavin had the sneaking suspicion someone had told him to play nice, because he definitely looked like a time bomb waiting to explode. 

“How does he look?”

“Like...the total opposite of Michael.” Gavin admitted sadly, chugging the rest of his beer while Geoff nodded, lips still pursed tightly. 

“Yeah.”

They fell into a vastly uncomfortable silence, the only sound coming from the buzzing through Geoffs headphones as the movie continued but no one was watching. They stayed that way, locked in a tense, frozen moment, until Ray, Jack, and Ryan fell through the door, the latter briefly kissing Gavin on the forehead before hauling him up and dragging him to the bedroom. When he was thrown onto the bed, he knew nothing was coming of it, nothing beyond sleeping. No one had felt close to being even vaguely intimate in the last week, and that wasn't about to change. 

It took a few more long minutes before the others joined them, Geoff - as usual these days - went straight to the far side of the bed, as far as he could get from Gavin without falling off the damn side. He wasn’t sleeping, even when they others had drifted off, Geoff stayed awake, breathing in and out heavily so Gavin knew he was still awake. He didn’t know what Geoff expected to accomplish from it, surely there was nothing to be gained other than keeping Gavin awake. Thought maybe that was it. 

Finally, sick of the tense silence, the fake deep breathing as Geoff remained awake, he got up. Sliding off the bed, making sure not to wake Ray, he crept towards the door, glancing back at the bed to see that, yep, there was Geoff; staring him down, moonlight just illuminating his eyes. Gavin held in the eye roll, and settled for a small shake of his head as he turned away. 

The couch bed was something he never thought he would ever use, a double pull out thing that filled the entirety of the living room space when he creaked it into position. Far from comfortable, it was lumpy and too springy in places, he tossed and turned for a while before deciding the noise would wake the others and they would force him back into the bed. 

He fell asleep with tears in his eyes. 

"I'm fucking sick of this." 

Gavin was awoken by the sudden rush of cold air from having the sheets pulled away from him, and looked up blearily to see Ray clutching the sheets in one hand and pointing an accusing finger at Geoff with the other. The latter of the two stood in the doorway to the bedroom, leaning against the door frame, hair scruffed from sleep and eyes tired and bloodshot. 

"What? I didn't ask him to sleep out here." The gent defended, stepping further into the room and letting the door close behind him. Ray scoffed. 

"You might as well have, and you know it."

“If he wants to be a fucking crybaby about it and sleep out here then that’s his own fucking choice.” A tense silence followed his words, and Gavin could see the instant switch flicked on Ray’s emotions. He was livid, but he didn’t expect what came next.

In an act of violence Gavin never thought Ray capable of, the boy pulled his fist back and brought it forward with force, right into the middle of Geoff’s face. He immediately pulled back as Geoff cried out and clutched his nose with both hands, leaning forward and rocking back trying to dispel the obvious pain. Ray shook out his fist, blood decorating his knuckles, his face pale white, obviously shocked by his own outburst. 

He didn’t apologise. 

"When is this going to end, Geoff?" Ray asked sharply, pleading through his words, as he watched Geoff carefully, his left hand cradling his right protectively. 

Geoff studied him for just a second, "I don't know." He replied, staggering out of the trailer, still holding his nose, blood leaking down his chin. 

Before they could say anything else or make any move to go after him, Jack appeared in the doorway, hands white as they clutched the frame. 

“Don’t start, Jack.” Ray mumbled, holding his hand under the faucet, water washing pink down the drain. Gavin watched as he shook his head, a grin lighting up his face.

“Jack?” Gavin frowned, cocking his head to the side, almost afraid to ask, even though a smile rarely meant something bad. 

Then, as he edged around the couch bed and made an effort to follow Geoff, he said the two words they had all been praying to hear. 

“Michael’s awake.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments and love <3
> 
> We're getting close to the end now, remember my tumblr is glackedandmullered and I'd love to talk with you guys :)

The car ride over to the hospital was more than tense. Ryan shoved Geoff into the very back seat with him immediately, examining the cut along his cheekbone, and gently probing the bones with his thumbs to check for any damage Ray might have caused, while Geoff stayed in his tantrum like state of childish silence. While Ray wasn’t a fighter, he sure was strong, managing to split a patch of skin at least three inches long, and - at the very least - bruise the bone in his nose, if not break it. After insisting he let someone take a look at it once they arrived at the hospital, Ryan let it go, slumping back into the tense silence. 

Gavin was beside Ray, running a thumb soothingly across the skin near the split knuckles on the lads right hand. He could tell Ray was struggling between grumpy and guilty, but the smile on his lips told Gavin he was leaning more towards relief; just as they all were. 

They were greeted by one of the nurses that had grown quite accustomed to seeing them over the passing weeks; she was smiling as she led them to the ward, a spring in her step at the knowledge that her patient would be okay and had his family with him now, all together. 

Awake was an over exaggeration. Sure his eyes were open, but he was barely what they would consider conscious. As they walked onto the ward, as quietly as they could considering their happiness and relief, the injured lad barely managed a smile before his eyes closed and he drifted off into sleep. The same nurse reassured them that he had just been given a high dose of pain medication and the drowsiness was a natural reaction. 

“He’s been asleep for weeks!” Gavin replied, shocked that he would still be sleepy. All he received was a - mildly patronising - pat on the arm, and a smile. Ray shrugged and flopped down onto one of the side chairs, nodding to the nurse who pulled the curtains around the bed for a bit more privacy. 

They sat around the bed for the rest of the morning, alternating between chatting about everything and anything, and being in perfect silence. There was certainly much less tension between them now that they had seen Michael with open eyes, but there was still something hanging in the air. A nurse tended to Geoff in a bed across from Michael’s. He sat stiff, legs swinging over the edge, refusing to lie down while he was prodded and poked to double check for anything Ryan would have missed. Satisfied that there was no break, the gash across his cheek was taped up with butterfly bandages and hidden behind a square of gauze that Geoff pulled off with a wince the second she left them alone. 

Around ten minutes later Ray pushed himself away from the wall he was leaning against and wandered over, taking a seat beside Geoff, neither said anything. Gavin watched as Ray nudged Geoff’s hand with his, entwining their fingers, palm to palm. With a tired smile, Geoff reached his free hand to Ray’s cheek, pulling him down to rest on his shoulder, the hand covering most of Ray’s face. 

It took another six hours for Michael to wake up again, and he definitely looked more conscious than he had been when they first arrived. He blinked a few times, smacked his dry lips, and breathed deeply; though it still sounded raspy and painful. 

“Michael.” Gavin breathed, a grin spreading across his face, but Michael’s brow was furrowed. In concentration and maybe confusion too, Gavins heart plummeted.

“Who are you?” Michael whispered, barely audible past the raspy dryness in his throat, no doubt from the breathing tube that had not long been removed. 

No one could move, no one could breathe past the vacuum that had suddenly whirred to life in the room. He didn’t… remember them? They hadn’t warned for amnesia, it had never come up, but now it felt too real. Jack and Ryan shared a look, concern and shock just like the rest; Geoff looked about ready to punch a wall into submission, and Ray was gripping Gavins arm so tight he thought it might break bone. Gavin felt the smile bleed from his face, replaced by a look of utter horror until Michael’s expression changed. Into one of surprise, and he frowned. 

“Guys I’m kidding.” Michael rasped, raising his good hand off the bed and holding it up to them in a calming sort of motion, “Sorry, I-I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Gavin felt like someone had kicked him in the gut, stone filling his stomach, a weight dropping onto him with more power than he possessed. 

“You asshole.” Gavin hissed, literally shaking with anger as he shook Ray off him and stormed out of the ward. Ray took one look at Michael, a look filled with disbelief before he took off after him.

“Gavin!” Michael tried calling after him only to dissolve into a coughing fit. Jack, unable to stay away any longer, rushed to his side, helping him sit up slightly to ease the pressure on his chest. Once the coughing stopped, he frowned. “It was a joke,” He reassured, but they couldn’t tell who he was talking to, them or himself. 

“A fucking stupid joke.” Ryan countered, his arms folded and expression conflicted. He couldn’t stand anything spoiling the long awaited reunion, not even Michael, “You’ve been out for nearly three weeks, we thought we were going to lose you, and then you go and say that.” 

Michael’s eyes went wide, “What?” He breathed. 

Barely managing to keep his anger from bubbling to the surface, Ryan explained, “You nearly died, at one point they were actually telling us to say our goodbyes, and Gavin? Gavin came to see you, he only managed it once, couldn’t bring himself over the guilt of hurting you even though we told him it wasn’t his fault,” Michael swallowed and looked down at his hands. It was hard to completely divert his attention from this position, and he could definitely feel three pairs of eyes burning into his skull. 

Outside in the hall, Gavin got as far as three doors over before collapsing to his knees, breathing heavy and tears streaming down his face. 

“Gav!” Ray cried out, coming to a halt beside him and pulling the Brit back against his chest. 

“How could he do that, Ray?” Gavin cried, clutching at Ray’s arm that came to cross over his chest. 

“It’s Michael.” Ray said in lieu of an answer, in truth he didn’t know why the guy would be that much of a dick, though he couldn’t say much about the lads mental state, he too had been through a lot, even if he was asleep for most of it. Gavin sniffed. 

“I thought- I thought I’d…” _destroyed him_ he finished in his head but couldn’t bring himself to draw it out into real, solid words. Ray only held him tighter, his other arm crossing Gavin’s chest too; pressing a kiss to the Brit’s neck, he nuzzled the soft skin there. 

“I know, love, I know. But he’s okay, it was just a stupid joke, he’s alright.” Gavin only shook his head in disbelief, his brain a muddle of stress that he couldn’t fit together into a straight line.

“Come on,” Ray encouraged, giving Gavin’s neck on last peck before climbing to his feet and pulling Gavin up by his forearms, “Let’s go slap the dickhole.” Gavin let out a breathy laugh and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. 

Painful silence met them when they returned. Michael was paying very close attention to his own hands, while Ryan stood in the corner and Geoff was cross legged on the empty bed opposite. 

“Gav…” Michael started when he heard the shuffling footsteps, sitting up with Jack’s help and ignoring the pain in his shoulder. The Brit fidgeted, digging the toe of his sneakers into the linoleum floor, averting his eyes from anyones attention. 

“Gavin,” Michael repeated, stronger this time and something in Gavin snapped, he dove onto the bed, onto Michael, both of them ignoring the wince and pained gasp that left Michael’s lips. Instead he wrapped his one good arm as tight as he could around Gavin’s back and buried his face into the boys shoulder, just as Gavin was to his. “I’m sorry.” He whispered brokenly. 

“Never do that again.” Gavin’s tone was stern, much stronger than he was feeling and for that he was definitely grateful. Pulling away, he wiped at his eyes and Michael did the same, wiping away the moisture but leaving their faces red, their eyes puffy. 

“Never.” He promised. 

“I’m just glad you’re awake.” Ray sniffed, reaching over Gavin and slapping Michael’s uninjured shoulder with as much force as he dared risk. Michael took it with only the briefest wince, and Ray immediately rubbed the spot firmly, softly apologising with his movements.   
“Sorry love, but you deserved that,” With a one shoulder shrug, Michael accepted it, also accepting the warm kiss that Ray pressed to his lips a moment later. 

In a few brief movements, the men all found themselves close to Michael’s bed. Not on it, the aches running through every part of Michael’s body were preventing them from really getting too close, but as tightly tucked around as they could manage. 

Michael glanced up at Geoff after some brief moments had passed, “Nice shiner,” He commented, quickly changing the subject. Geoff touched his face gingerly, he hadn’t had a chance to look at himself since Ray had hit him but the throbbing had told him there would be a pretty impressive mark left behind.

He smiled, “Thanks, it was a gift.” 

Ray reached across the bed to jokingly punch the older mans arm; Geoff staggered backwards, feigning injury, and throwing an arm over his eyes in mock distress. Michael snorted, immediately wincing when the movement pulled at his shoulder, but let them all laugh it off anyway. 

\---

With a hefty prescription, a list of dates for physical therapy, and a wheelchair - that he had absolutely no intention of using - Michael was finally discharged, a week after he woke up. The majority of his injuries were into a stage in their healing where being in hospital or being at home wasn’t going to make much difference; a sheet of warning signs for a relapse with his head injury had been handed to Ryan before they left, but beyond that, he was ready to recuperate at home.

Even though they tried to have light conversation during the car ride home, it was obvious they were all exhausted. Mental and physical strain of the time without Michael bleeding into everything they did. 

It was the middle of the day when they reached the camp, but nobody was around to greet them as Gavin expected. He assumed they must have had a talk while the others were gone, probably intending to let Michael get settled back in as quietly as possible. Jack aided the injured lad out of the back seat, practically carrying him around the car because realistically the wheelchair wouldn’t be much use on the grassy terrain. Gavin reached to the back of the truck for Michael’s things, only to be less than nicely knocked out of the way by Geoff who wrestled all the bags into his arms and walked off without a word. The Brit tried his best not to look put out, in all honesty he had expected this whole anger thing to blow over now that Michael was better and home, but obviously no luck there. 

Michael, of course, immediately picked up on the hostility; stopping Gavin before they reached the trailer, and making up something about forgetting something in the truck. Jack immediately offered to fetch whatever it was but he waved him off, “Gav’s gonna help me.” 

Gavin let out a startled noise when Michael grabbed his arm and wrapped it around his own waist, leaning his weight on the taller boy as he limped. 

“Okay, what’s going on?” He asked when they reached the truck, out of sight of the others as he rested back on the door and studied Gavin. The Brit opened up the front door and leaned in, looking for whatever it was Michael could have left.

“What did you leave?” He asked, shuffling food cartons and cans from the breakfast they had picked up on the way home out of the way. Michael poked his shoulder sharply, and he jumped back. 

“What?” He cried as Michael rolled his eyes.

“I may have a head injury but I’m not an idiot. What’s going on with you and Geoff?”

“Nothing, we’re fine.” He muttered, embarrassed at how feeble and pathetic it sounded. Obviously Michael could tell because he immediately stopped in his tracks and looked into Gavin’s eyes, one eyebrow raised, and an expression that wasn’t even close to believing. 

“He’s barely said five words to me since the day of the accident.” He admitted after only seconds under the scrutiny, feeling five years old and ridiculous as hell. 

Michael frowned, turning so his relatively uninjured side was resting on the metal. "I'll talk to him." 

Gavin immediately surged forward and held out his hands, shaking his head wildly, "No, no no, don't do that. It's fine, just let him work it out for himself." Michael returned the head movement, brow furrowing, and he would have folded his arms if either was free to do so. 

"Gav, it's not fair to you for him to keep blaming you." The Brit smiled, waving it off. 

"I'm fine, I promise. You're okay and back and now he can figure his head out." 

Michael hummed thoughtfully, "You know Geoff, he holds grudges like a little bitch." He said, a glint of something hidden in his eyes. 

Gavin shrugged, "Not this one, I hope."

Pushing away from the car, Gavin started to wander back over to the trailer, calling over his shoulder as he walked, “Come on, you didn’t actually leave anything so we should get back.” 

“Uh...Gavin?” Michael called after him, as the lad turned around, his boyfriend gestured to his braced leg, a reminder that he absolutely couldn’t make his way back alone. 

“Shit, sorry love.” He practically fell over his own feet getting back to Michael, slinging an arm around his shoulder and aiding him in the walk. 

“It’ll be okay.” Michael said, getting nothing but a soft _mhm_ in response.

\---

That first night they all fought over who would get to sleep next to Michael, each and every one of them wanting to be as close as possible, and he ended up sandwiched between Geoff and Ray. Geoff because he glared long enough that no one could be bothered to fight it, and Ray because the boy hadn’t let go of Michael’s hand since they entered the trailer. He lay back on the bed, supported by the pillows and let his two companions snuggle up to him, gently of course, while Gavin, Jack, and Ryan found their own places behind. They fell asleep with limbs tangled together in an attempt to be as close to Michael as possible.

Gavin awoke some time later to broken gasping, slight movement further over shaking the bed. Giving it a few seconds to make sure he wasn’t imagining it he rolled over slowly, perching himself up onto his elbow to look over Ray. There wasn’t much light but there was no doubt in Gavin’s head where the sound was coming from. 

“Michael, you okay?” The sound stopped for a second, hitching and holding there before being released in a strained whimper.

“It hurts.” He whimpered quietly, and Gavin jumped into action. 

“Okay, okay, let’s get you out of here.” Knowing most of the others were pretty heavy sleepers, he pulled the sheets off his body and slid off the end of bed before reaching between Geoff and Ray to take Michaels hands. The boy whimpered quietly as he raised his back off the bed and was encouraged to shuffle off to where Gavin was. He slung an arm around the Brit’s shoulder and let him take most of his weight as they moved to the main space. 

His face was contorted in pain, pale in the weak light coming from the window, and moisture in his eyes had Gavin wondering just how long he had been lying there suffering before the Brit had woken up and come to his aid. 

He left Michael leaning against the counter while he pulled the bed out of the couch and spread out the sheets from inside on the top. 

“Here, lay down on here.” Michael did, sitting down on the springy mattress and looked at Gavin skeptically. 

“It’s actually surprisingly comfy, promise.” The skeptical look only continued to burn into him. 

“How would you know? You’ve never used it.” 

Swallowing, and turning his attention to the suddenly very interesting far wall, he replied, “I...may have once or twice while you were...you know.” A sharp intake of breath made his head snap up again. 

“Did Geoff make you sleep out here?” Michael asked slowly, anger colouring his tone, and Gavin shook his head.

“No, no, it was my decision.”

“But it was because of him right?” Knowing he couldn’t lie, Gavin nodded and Michael curled his hands into fists at his sides. Gavin could tell if he hadn’t been suffering so badly, he would have gone through to the next room and woken Geoff, probably starting going ape-shit on him, but instead he was resigned to breathing heavily and sitting down on the bed trying to dispel his feelings. 

The tap turned on and off behind him, and Gavin turned to see Ryan holding a glass of water in one hand and a couple of pills in the other. He hadn’t even realised Ryan had woken up. “I knew six in a bed wouldn’t be good for you.” He chuckled, passing the items in his hands to Michael. He touched his lips to Michael’s head, letting his hand rub the lads shoulder in support before shuffling back towards the bedroom. 

“Get some sleep you two.”

It was clear he had picked up on the anger running through Michael. The lad grumbled and lay down fully, groaning a little at the strain, but the painkillers were obviously doing their job keeping the main agony at bay. 

\---

The troupe threw a small party the next night, in celebration of Michael’s return. Just them in the middle of the tent with soft drinks - since the mass of medications Michael had to take on a daily basis weren’t compatible with alcohol and they thought it a bit cruel to be drinking right in front of him when he couldn’t. Michael spent most of the night sitting on a deck chair with an alternating cast of companions as they each gave him a chunk of their time. He got the chance to spend some well needed time with Lindsay, who sat at his feet for at least an hour, barely even speaking, but simply enjoying the company; his presence calming for Lindsay, and Gavin saw the first genuine smile light up her face when he ruffled her hair jokingly. 

Miles and Kerry put on a show for them, a small improvised affair that ended with pretty much everyone joining in, falling over one another and laughing. Geoff was standing with his hand on Michael’s shoulder, and though there was a shudder of giggle running through the boy, the winces and pained cringes didn’t go unnoticed by Gavin. It wasn’t easy to forget that he was still injured. With a crutch leaning against the table, brace still encasing his leg, and arm held up in a sling it was obvious; but he couldn’t help it slipping his mind that the ribs would still bother him for a while yet. As would the puncture to his lung that was still causing him pain, even at the simplest task, like laughing. 

He went to bed in the early hours of the morning, or more he was _sent_ to bed in the early hours, by his bearded boyfriend who picked up on the drowsiness barely a second after the first hint of a yawn. Waving goodbye, he limped off, being half carried by Jack; his face turned down in sadness and obvious disappointment at having to miss the rest of the fun with the others who were clearly still wide awake. 

For the next few days it was almost awkward. 

Ryan and Jack insisted on taking the couch bed for a while, after Gavin had quietly told them about the first night. Michael rolled his eyes when they told him, but it was a half hearted attempt, the clear embarrassment showed through his attempt at building walls. They treated him like a porcelain butterfly, afraid of any cracks, not daring to do anything; not even letting him sit in the tent while they rehearsed and performed; knowing how much it would hurt him that he couldn’t be out there joining in. 

So night after night he was left in the trailer, and the frustration wasn’t missed by anyone. But what could they do about it?

For a while it almost felt like he had forgotten how to smile, and that hurt Gavin more than anything else. Having a grumpy, perpetually upset boyfriend was like poison, darkening every interaction, and it did absolutely nothing good for anyone elses moods either. 

Gavin just wanted to fix what he had broken. 

\---

“You’re being a fucking asshole.”

Geoff jumped back against the trailer door as he flicked on the lights and saw Michael sitting there right in front of him on the couch, as straight as he could, his lips pursed tight, and expression no less than judgmental. 

Holding a hand to his chest dramatically, Geoff laughed, “Jesus _christ_ Michael, you scared the shit out of me.” Michael didn’t respond as the older man edged over to the mini fridge and pulled out a beer. He only just managed to pop the cap off before soft tutting caught his ear. 

“Feeling guilty, Geoffrey?” A questioning glance was fired Michael’s way before Geoff noticed his line of sight flick to the bottle in his hand. “You only drink when you don’t want to talk, and that’s your third beer today.” 

Geoff rolled his eyes and took a long gulp of the beverage, “You’re seven years younger than me, Michael, you’re not my mother.” 

“I will be if I think you need that.” Michael replied seriously, “You can’t drown your feelings in alcohol, you know that, it’s been years since you did that.” Choosing only to ignore his younger boyfriend, Geoff raised the bottle to his lips again, this time only sipping a little of the drink. 

Narrowing his eyes, Michael took himself away from the subject, drawing himself back to his original topic of conversation "He told me not to talk to you, y'know."

“Gavin.” He clarified, "He trusted you to be a smart guy and work this out" Geoff looked almost smug, his lip curling into a sly smile over his the rim of his bottle.

"I only trust you'll be a stubborn little bitch." Spluttering, the gent looked shocked, his eyes widened as he swallowed. 

“Michael!” 

“Go on then,” Michael said, holding his good arm out towards Geoff, “Tell me you’re still mad at him, tell me you’re not just too much of an asshole to admit you were wrong.”

“I-” 

“Exactly.” The lad said smugly, folding his arms across his chest. 

Dumping the full bottle into the sink, Geoff flopped down onto the couch next to Michael and focused his attention on the wall opposite.

“I just…” He started, but his words seemed to catch in his throat, and he pressed his thumb and forefinger against his eyes as if trying to ward off a headache, “It was so much like Ray.” 

Michael watched him for a brief moment, the way his eyes darkened, and moisture crept into the corners; the way his hands shook as he sat doubled over on the couch. Sighing, He shuffled closer, wincing at the ever frustrating ache in his side, and placed his hand over Geoffs and lacing their fingers together, catching the man’s attention. 

“Geoff...I’m not Ray, and Gavin? He isn’t that guy. He’s our boyfriend, _your boyfriend_ , he wouldn’t do that, he loves us.” He explained slowly and softly, almost as if he were talking to a child. Geoff squeezed his hand lightly. 

“I know that, I do.”

“Then what are you fucking doing treating him like shit?” Geoff rubbed his stubbled chin with his free hand, he bit his lip and frowned as he pulled his hand out of Michael’s grip and stood up.

“I’m going to bed.” 

“Don’t just walk away from me, Geoff.” Michael cried after him, knowing he couldn’t follow the man without assistance since his leg was still strapped into the brace and his crutch was against the far wall.

“Goodnight Michael.” The man mumbled, the door clicking closed behind him. Michael groaned and slid sideways onto the couch, mumbling a frustrated _ow_ with the jostling movement. 

\---

The sound of musical laughter hit Gavin the second he ambled back into the trailer after a long day. 

Ryan was sat cross-legged on the bed, a deck of cards scattered on the sheets; a couple resting on the window edge, and a couple more on the floor. His back was shaking as he leaned forward, shaking his head while laughing. Michael was sat up against the headboard, back supported by a pile of pillows, but lilting sideways, and pressing one hand to his ribs as giggle erupted from his lips. There was no pain in his expression, only pure joy at whatever had happened before Gavin arrived; his nose was crinkled up, mouth open and teeth visible 

They had been afraid to really try to make him laugh, terrified that the movement would hurt him 

“Ga-Gav, h-he oh my god. He was- and I- and then-” Michael was laughing so hard he couldn’t even get the words out, falling to the side so far that he fully slipped away from the pillows supporting him, his breaths hitching just a little at the strain on his healing ribs.

“It wasn’t even that funny!” Ryan protested, wiping the laughter induced moisture away from his eyes as he let out a few last breathy laughs. Evidently Michael didn’t agree.

“It was, oh my god it was, Ryan, oh my god.” 

Gavin hadn’t a single clue what was funny but he felt his lips pulling up at the sides while watching his boyfriend roll around on the bed, if a persons laughter was ever contagious, it was Michael’s in this second. 

“What the fuck is going on?” The sound had obviously drawn the attention of his other boyfriends too, as they were bundling in behind him, Geoff at his shoulder.

“I have no fucking clue, Geoffrey.” He replied with a laugh, looking Geoff straight in the eye; only realising once everyone - except Michael who continued to howl like a hyena - stopped to look at him, that he had said the first words to Geoff in weeks. 

A few tense seconds passed, Gavin glancing away, flushing red as his smile turned into a nervous biting of the lip. A nudge made him look up, everyone around him still silent, even Michael’s laughing subsiding into calming breaths.

“I’m sorry.” Geoff said honestly, finding eye contact with Gavin for a brief moment before shifting his gaze to the floor. 

“Me too.”

“Kiss and makeup!” Michael giggled drunkenly, sounding completely wiped out now that the hysterical episode had ended. 

Geoff drew Gavin towards him, tattooed arms encircling the lads shoulders as he pressed a kiss into Gavin’s hair and mumbled a quick but honest _I love you_. The Brit clutched him tight, arms linked behind Geoff’s back, fingers clutching the man’s t-shirt. He breathed in deeply, inhaling the sweet scent he had missed so dearly while a quiet voice behind him mumbled, “Fucking finally.”


	9. Chapter 9

In the days that followed Michael’s return, the circus was granted a new lease of life. The obvious change in their attitudes brought the customers flooding back; happy to see the energy return to the big top. 

In the evening after one of the later shows, they all got together around the campfire Ryan set up down wind of the trailers. Lindsay and Caiti joined them for a while, as did Kerry and Miles before they were chased away for having too much energy that late at night. Caiti told stories of her life in Australia to the captive audience to fill the time; tales of roaring bush fires, and ocean side circus shows that carried on into the early morning. The stories were all very fascinating but she didn’t stay long, blowing them all kisses as she brushed the grass off her clothes and practically danced her way back to the trailers. It didn’t take long before they lost the last straggler, as around 1am Lindsay too threw in the towel, declaring that she had her limit and tipped the last of her drink into the grass before sauntering away. 

They might be the loudest, crudest performers in the troupe, but even they enjoyed the rare opportunity to just relax and be quiet; and they took full advantage of it in those moments after Lindsay left. The sparks flying like shooting stars from the fire landed tiny ant size craters by their feet, as the smoke rising from the flames danced a delicate ballet into the clear starry night. 

Ray was sat in Jack’s lap, the larger mans arms wrapped around the smaller waist, his head on Ray’s shoulder, beard tickling the lads neck. Geoff was reclining in a deck chair, sunken down so low that it looked like he would fall out any second, and it didn’t look even close to being comfortable but Geoff seemed satisfied with his position. His knees were crossing into Ryan’s line of sight from where he sat on the ground, back against the side of the chair and legs extended in front of him, head turned to the fire so that he could pay attention to the others around him, though he looked contently spaced out. Gavin, meanwhile, had found himself the closest to the flames, legs crossed on the grass with Michael’s head in his lap. The lad was stretched out along the ground, his braced leg raised up on Jack’s knee. 

“Your hair’s growing back nicely.” Gavin mused after a while, his long slender fingers combing through the auburn locks, avoiding the curving, raised scar that marred his scalp. For a while after the surgery he had looked like some kind of skrillex wannabe, but now that the soft hairs had begun to grow back - less prickly and beginning to curl - he resembled somewhat more of himself. 

Michael hummed in response, “Yeah, maybe one day soon I’ll look almost symmetrical.” He stared into the fire, the flames licking at the air and heating the exposed half of his body. It was a weird sensation, to be half turned to the heat, half away; his left side was chilled, so much so that he had goosebumps down the arm that was folded up over his chest. The right side, however, felt like he was close to burning himself; searing heat, but it was welcome. The medications he’d been on since he left the hospital had numbed him completely, made his blood cold and his head fuzzy; and any sensation at all felt good. 

Ray took a swig of his drink, “You know we could have cut it to match, let it grow out even.” 

“I like it long,” Michael replied, holding his hand up in front of his eyes, watching the glow twist and turn across his skin, “Suits me better.”

Gavin nodded, continuing his gentle caress,“I agree.” 

Michael caught Ryan staring at him out of the corner of his eye and closed his eyes against the scrutiny. “Did Barbara tell you Burnie’s given them another slot?”

“About time if you ask me, they’ve been begging for a longer part for months.” 

Grateful for the change of subject, Michael let his mind tune out to the chatter. Even though it had been a few weeks since he’d left the hospital, he still got a fuzzy head every now and again; dizziness and headaches from residual damage of the bleed. It was always just a little too weird to think about, the fact that his brain had been _bleeding_ , not exactly a pleasant image to think about but day by day it was healing. Though too slowly for Michael’s liking. 

He wasn’t sure how long it took before they realised he was practically asleep in Gavin’s lap, but he felt himself be lifted and only resigned himself to snuggling into whoever’s chest he was pressed against as they moved him away from the fire’s warmth. The burning glow faded behind him before it disappeared completely and dusty grey smoke drifted up towards the sky. 

 

\---

 

“I’ll sit in the back!” Michael argued from the doorway, his hair mussed from sleeping all day, pajama pants hanging low on his hips. 

“We’ll be back later,” Ryan replied smoothly, smudging his eyeliner in the mirror, his attention following Michael as he limped over to the couch. 

Letting out a frustrated whine, Michael grabbed onto Ray’s arm, and tugged at him like a small child would his mother.

“Come on Ray, just let me go with you, I’ll be good i promise.” He whined, opening his eyes wide and giving his best innocent look, eyelashes fluttering. 

Shaking his head, Ray smoothed the last line of paint onto his chest, “Nuh uh, Michael. Not falling for that one.” He gently pushed Michael back towards the couch until his knees hit the edge and he slumped back onto the seat with a shaking frown. Taking pity on the poor man, Ray knelt down in front of him, his hand finding his boyfriends larger one and began running his thumb over the skin in soft motions. 

“You’ll be out there again eventually, just give it time.”

Michael pouted, “I just wanted to watch.”

“I know,” The couch dipped as Jack sat down beside him, “But you know you won’t be able to just sit there and keep quiet when you want to be out there with us.” 

After Geoff and Gavin reconciled, it felt like a general weight had vanished from the performers overnight, but not performing was definitely taking it’s toll on Michael. Being told he couldn’t even train for an absolute minimum of eight to twelve weeks was a hell of a bitter pill to swallow for the gymnast, and having the whole troupe reinforcing that every day made him more frustrated with every day that passed. 

“Try sleeping some more.” Jack suggested as he stood up, following the others as they exited the trailer and disappeared out of sight. 

Staring after them, Michael scoffed, _I’ve slept enough for a fucking lifetime, maybe two._

After watching the trailers empty, his troupe passing by the window with painted faces and clothes sparkling in the light, he slumped back into the soft couch with a pout. He couldn’t see the point in separating him from the circus completely.

Ray told him it was because they didn’t want to upset him by making him look at exactly what he was missing, but that was pure bullshit. Even if he _did_ really want to just grab hold of those silks and slip right back into the show, he knew it was stupid to imagine it could happen, he still had a long way to go. 

Eventually the echo of rumbling engines and chatter started up outside the window as the audience arrived and started filtering past the trailers. They weren’t technically meant to be this end, the designated parking spaces were on the other side of the tent; but at every show there was at least one family that would decide the rules were above them and they just _had_ to let their kids see everything. Including where they lived, apparently.

 _Fuck it,_ He thought after sitting in dark silence for at least fifteen minutes. Pushing himself off the couch he paused, letting himself get a good balance before grabbing the crutch that was leaning against the corner cabinet. 

Maneuvering around with only one good leg, the other still firmly held in place by the brace, wasn’t easy on the grassy terrain. Especially with the single crutch held tightly in his left hand. He lost count of the number of times he had to tug the rubber end out of the softer patches of ground as he made his way over to the big top. They would have to suck it up and deal if they had a problem with him joining them there, he grumbled to himself as he _extremely_ slowly edged closer to the tent. 

The normal - no more than - four minute journey took nearly 20 with the number of pauses and breaks he had to take but eventually he found himself at the entrance. The lights were dimming, the foyer empty, which meant the show was about to start. At the very least it meant no one would be around to see him sneak in. 

No such luck. 

“Thought you were meant to stay off that.” Kara hissed, startling Michael as he stuck his head through the gap in the tarp. 

“Fuck,” He cursed, pulling back before stepping fully through the space into the tent, “You scared me.” Kara said nothing, only crossed her arms over her chest and fixed him with a judging stare. 

“I’m bored, Kara, just let me sit in the back, they won’t know.” He pleaded, hands held up in prayer as well as he could with his arm strapped to his chest. 

Kara narrowed her eyes, pursing her lips in thought, “You know Geoff told me to keep you out if you ever tried to come in here.”

Michael rolled his eyes, “Of course he did.” He observed her with wide eyes, fluttering his lashes in the best display of innocence he could manage. 

“Don’t you puppy dog eye me, Jones, it won’t work.” Switching tactics, Michael put as much of an exaggerated pained expression on his face 

“Can I just sit down before you send me back? My _poor aching leg_ needs a rest. The bones are still healing you know, this much walking isn’t good for it.” He said airily, emphasising his words by running his good hand down the muscle in his thigh. 

“Ugh fine, keeping you out is above my pay grade,” She conceded, stepping to one side to let him past, “but if you re-break your leg or some shit, that’s not on me.” 

“Of course not.” He promised, holding his hand up in a boy scout salute, “Ma’am.” He joked, stumbling towards the seating when a small hand found the centre of his back and pushed hard. 

“Watch it Jones.” 

It was harder than he thought, watching everyone up there; dancing, performing just like they always did. It wasn’t like normal, though, because he was out here on barely comfortable plastic seating, limbs throbbing from being overworked instead of being up there where he should be, where he belonged. 

He didn’t need to worry about them catching him on the way out, he barely made it through Ryan’s act before he couldn’t take it anymore. Passing Kara at the entrance without a word, he painfully limped back to the trailer; his leg was throbbing, his arm weak and shaky, and he had pins and needles running through his shoulder. 

Unknown to him, Gavin watched him go. He stepped out to cycle some fresh air through his stuffed up lungs just in time to see the man edge away from the tent entrance. His movements these days were all disjointed, pained, and awkward; nothing like the pure fluidity of every step he used to take. He knew how hard it was for Michael, they all did, and they hated keeping him away - they wanted to spend every second they could with him - but in the end it was in everybody’s best interest to wait it out. No matter how painful that felt. 

\---

Gavin hummed to himself as he made his way around the back of the tent. He’d been out for lunch with Miles and Kerry, his stomach suitably full of the greasiest burgers the three of them could locate, and then he heard it. 

An irritated grunt followed by a frustrated scream that filtered out of the tent. 

He considered walking straight past. After all, frustration was part of the job; what with tricks going awry, not working as they should, and just those days where your limbs don’t want to cooperate; but he _knew_ that scream, and his feet moved of their own accord to the canvas. 

Inside, Michael was clamoring painfully to his feet; the movement was awkward since his shoulder was still strapped up and his leg brace was making it difficult to maneuver into standing. His face was flushed, sweaty like he had been running for miles; but Gavin knew for a fact he hadn’t, he’d be lucky to walk that let alone move at any faster pace.

Before Gavin’s eyes the lad placed his feet firmly on the ground, knees bending awkwardly, one not quite making it as far as the other. With his tongue sticking out slightly from between his lips in concentration, he put his good leg back and threw his body forwards. 

The moment he left the floor, trying to fling himself into an aerial cartwheel ,Gavin could see the outcome. His leg didn’t have the right support to throw him high enough into the air, even his uninjured leg was weak from the lack of use and he collided with the floor with a dull thud, and a pained, breathless groan. Gavin winced in sympathy, and stepped out from behind the curtains. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He barked, stalking over to the fallen gymnast. 

“Go away, Gavin.” Michael grumbled, his voice sounding winded, as he pushed himself up on his one good elbow, his legs stretched out in front of him. 

Gavin shook his head, “No chance, you’re going to hurt yourself if I let you continue.” 

Letting out a growl, Michael slammed himself back down to the ground, wincing and groaning even more at the ache that reverberated through his torso from the movement, “I’ve been a gymnast all my life, Gavin! I was national champion before I was 7. Now I can’t even do a fucking cartwheel.”

Gavin merely tutted and strode closer so that he was stood over Michael.

“You shouldn’t be trying,” He reminded him sharply “Your shoulder is still healing, your ribs are too, and that leg of yours is going to give out on you if you don’t stop pushing it and let it rest.” 

He was breathing heavily, casting his eyes away from Gavin, “The PT said I should be exercising it now.” The protest was weak, and Gavin could easily tell that he knew he was in the wrong. _Good, I can’t take another fight._

“ _Light_ exercise, you pleb,” He pointed out, moving to sit down beside the lad. He gently nudged Michael down so he was lying on his back; pulling a sweater that someone had conveniently left on the sidelines, he tucked it beneath the boys head and moved to sit by his feet. With his legs extended either side of Michael, he lifted the healing limb into his arms and began gently massaging the muscles all the way down as he had seen the therapist do before. 

Michael let out a long sigh and Gavin could the tension slipping away beneath his fingers. 

“This is fucking frustrating.” He grumbled

“Yeah, I know, but you’re already getting better. You can stand all on your own now!” He joked, laughing at the look of annoyance that flashed across Michael’s face. 

“I’m not five.”

“Could have fooled me.” He had to dodge the swipe that just grazed the side of his face. 

“Gav?” The Brit hummed in response, “Do you think I’ll get replaced?” 

Gavin furrowed his brow, “Replaced?”

“Yeah, if I can’t get back on my feet soon, you think Burnie will find someone else to join Linds?” 

“No.” He said bluntly, his brow furrowing in concern, “Not a fucking chance, Michael.”

“Is that why you’re pushing yourself to get back?” He asked quietly, though the way Michael was suddenly avoiding his gaze told him the answer, “You think Burnie’s gonna go find somebody else for the act?”

Michael scowled, “Who knows how long it’s going to take for this shit to be healed, and even then I have time to get the muscle strength back up, how long is everyone going to be willing to wait?”

“For as long as needed,” Gavin said earnestly, “No one here is about to drop you because you got hurt.”

“I need to prove to everybody that I’m not this fragile little kid.”

“No one thinks that, you’re the toughest son of a bitch out there, and you’ll be back in the air in no time, love. But if you keep pushing yourself, you could end up not even walking properly, how would you feel then?” That put Michael into silence, shaky breathing was all that could be heard for a while before Gavin heard the telltale intake of breath that told him Michael was going to speak. 

“I hate it,” Nodding, Gavin took hold of Michaels good arm and used it to pull the lad into sitting. 

“I know.” Michael made a move to stand up and Gavin jumped to his feet, supporting the lad as he pushed into standing; staggering a little with lack of balance. 

“I know I can do this,” Michael said bluntly, more to himself than Gavin. He shook his head when Gavin didn’t reply, and threw his arm over the Brit’s shoulder, using him as a crutch to head back to the trailer. 

\---

Michael waved from the trailer door as his physical therapist climbed out of her bright yellow Mini and walked over with her usual - basically skipping - bounding gait. Rebecca - Becky, please! - had been assigned to him as soon as he left the hospital. She had long ginger hair that was always skillfully styled in all manner of updo’s, and her clothing choices made her look fully at home in a circus tent; bright neon colours in crazy patterns making her stick out like a sore thumb on the street but she fit in comfortably with everyone in the big top. Out of all possible PT’s he could have been sent to, Michael was pretty glad to have her. 

“Hello, Michael!” He stepped aside to let her in, and she waved to Ray who was perched on the edge of the couch. 

“Alright,” Ray said, clapping his hands together and leaping up to his feet, “I’ll leave you guys to it.” He kissed Michael on the cheek, smiling. 

“How are you this fine day, Michael?” She asked while shrugging off her cropped blue jacket; he took it from her and hooked it by the door.

“Tired of this thing,” He replied, gesturing to the brace, “And this shit too,” this time he pointed to the sling, and she laughed. 

“Okay, let’s see what we can do about that, we’ll start with _this shit_ ” She said cheerily, sliding the strap of the sling off Michael’s shoulder and freeing his arm from the confines of fabric. He let his arm drop, feeling the familiar pull of sore muscles as she probed the area around his collarbone. “Have you been icing it? Using the stressball?” He nodded to her questions. 

“Good, good.” She smiled, lifting his arm to a ninety degree angle, one hand on the shoulder socket and the other on his wrist, rotating the arm gently. He was pleased to feel no pain spiking through the joint as it had when she had done it during the first few visits. 

“How about the exercises, are you keeping up with the routine alright?” He nodded again

“Alright, good news is, I think you’re good to leave the sling off full time now, this is healing very nicely.” She concluded, letting his arm drop to his side again before telling him to sit in the chair while she started to unclip the brace around his leg. 

A semi-healed bruise, mottled green and yellow spread down his thigh and onto his kneecap and she glanced up, a disapproving look on her face. 

“What did you do?”

Scabbling through his mind for an apt excuse he ended up just babbling, “I was just-” 

“Don’t lie to me.” She interrupted, poking him in the centre of the bruise

Letting out a groan, he relented, “I need to be performing again.”

She scowled and threw her hands up in only partially mocking exasperation, “Michael Jones I could kick you, and I’m a physical therapist, I know where to hit.”

At that moment, Geoff walked through the door; taking in the mottled skin he rolled his eyes.

“Maybe you can talk some sense into him Becks.” She leaned back and put her hands on her hips, tilting her head in thought as she regarded the older man. 

“I’m not sure anyone can, his skulls pretty thick.” Geoff leaned over her shoulder, smiling.

“Try edging in, just around that hole in his skull.” He pointed to the scar along Michael’s skull and was promptly swatted away. 

“You guys need to stop ganging up on me,” Michael grumbled, folding his arms across his chest. The annoyance was cancelled out by the fact that he could actually complete that movement now without tearing his joint apart.

“Yeah as soon as you stop being an impatient asshole,” She countered, and - unfortunately for Michael - sealed up the brace again and sat back on the balls of her feet. “Well you’ll be glad to hear your stunt cost you some healing, you have another couple of weeks minimum with this _thing_.” She eased herself to her feet. 

“I know it’s hard, but you just need to wait a little longer. With your past training you’ll rebuild your strength pretty fast, but you need to give it just a little bit more time.” 

He nodded reluctantly. 

“Okay, stand up, we’ll start with your shoulder.” 

As she took hold of his arm and started moving it in small circles, he realised that beyond the stiffness, there wasn’t much pain. Maybe a twinge right in the centre where the break occurred, but nothing like he’d been putting up with for the past few weeks. It was slow, painfully, achingly slow; but he was getting there, and that’s all that mattered to him as he listened to Becky chat away with Geoff in the background. 

One step closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very close to the end. 
> 
> Just wanted to tell you guys again how happy it makes me that so many people are enjoying this story, it's definitely the longest and best thing I've ever worked on and it's a pleasure to see you all reading it :D


	10. Chapter 10

It had been a slow - fucking _slow as dicks_ \- process, but suddenly he was getting better, wounds healing to a point where he no longer shot up painkillers every day and could move without creaking in pain. Gavin watched as every movement became easier, not a single breath coming with a wince, and the only thing showing that anything had ever happened was the brace that was still strapped securely from thigh to shin. Even that was scheduled to come off soon. 

All in all, things were getting back to - their definition of - normal. 

“Here’s to our Michael, back in action!” Burnie cheered, lifting his glass to the centre of the table where everyone elses drinks came to meet together with a loud clink. 

It had been a unanimous decision across the whole camp that they were all very overdue a good night out, so once they reached their next camp point they forwent all their usual tasks, in favor of locating a bar in town. This particular bar was loud, the busiest joint in town, but the hectic atmosphere was welcome - even prefered - to the troupe. 

“Still just training,” Gavin said pointedly over the noise, receiving groans from everyone at the table. 

“Don’t be a spoil sport, Gav!” Barbara laughed, scrambling to save her drink as it tipped sideways in her grasp. 

“Just being realistic.” He replied, holding his hands up in defense of himself. Michael grinned and necked his beer in ten seconds flat. Gavin watched the movement in his throat with every fast swallow and beamed back when Michael slammed his bottle onto the table with a loud thud, letting out an exaggerated breath while Geoff patted him on the back. 

Gavin caught his eye, receiving a strong thumbs up, and smiled as he mouthed _another?_ Michael nodded excitedly, holding up both hands with fingers spread. 

“I’m not getting you ten,” He argued, laughing; shaking his head at the pathetic pout that encompassed Michael’s expression. “No.” He repeated firmly. 

“Gotta make up for lost time, Gavvy!” Geoff shouted after him, receiving nothing but a middle finger held up over the crowd in response. 

Of all the things to come from healing, Gavin swore Michael’s favorite was the disappearance of the painkillers. Gavin couldn’t exactly blame him; weeks of dizziness, drowsiness, and nausea vanishing in a puff of smoke, he’d probably be relieved as hell too. 

“I want a fucking beer,” had been the first words to leave his lips when his prescription ran out and the doctor said it wouldn’t be repeated. 

Flash forward to now, and Gavin probably _would_ have bought him the ten drinks, if it meant that glittering smile remained on his lips and the crows feet around his eyes deepened. If it meant he was as happy as he had suddenly become, he would let him get shitfaced every goddamn day. Well, maybe there was a line somewhere. 

He scooted through the crowd with a tray of drinks, none specific, they could all just grab whatever they felt like. Twice he nearly went head over heels, but his reflexes saved him, and her dropped the drinks to the table with a thud. 

“Race me.” Miles yelled over the voices as Michael wrapped his hand around the next drink. 

Michael beamed, his smile all teeth and gums, “You’re on,” he accepted, standing back away from the table, poised as if for an olympic trial while Geoff counted down from five.

Ray sauntered over from the other side of the table, a glass of coke in his hand and a straw between his lips. 

"You good?" He asked, leaping up onto one of the bar stools beside the Brit. 

"It's almost like nothing ever happened isn't it." He said, keeping Michael in his line of sight as he finished his beer and slammed it down on the table seconds before Miles, belching loudly in victory.

Ray nodded enthusiastically, “I know, it’s great.” He took another sip of his drink before dropping the empty glass down on the bar behind. “Gotta admit we all had our doubts, it’s like a fucking miracle.” 

“Miracle,” Gavin repeated with a breathy laugh, “Yeah, I’ll take that.”

Ray ordered another drink, and grabbed Gavin’s hand in his as they weaved back through the crowd to the table, where the Brit was greeted with an armful of - drunk off his ass - Michael, giggling and hiccuping hysterically.

When they both staggered and fell backwards - saved from injury by a very helpful Burnie - he found himself letting out laughter just as drunkenly as his intoxicated boyfriend; and when sloppy kisses were placed all over his face, completely missing his mouth, he realised just how much he had missed this normal atmosphere. 

\---

On the day that Becky was scheduled for her last visit, Michael was practically vibrating with excitement. Ryan had to put his hand out more than once to stop the lad from leaping up to the door to check if she had arrived yet, and when the car finally pulled up at the front door, he was tearing at the velcro on the brace and holding his leg out like it was a prize, to which the room exploded in laughter. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Becky asked when she stepped in, before snorting at what she could see they were laughing at; Michael with his leg held out in her direction, looking so hyped up that she was sure if he were a dog his tail would be going crazy. 

“Come on then, hand it over.” As soon as the words left her lips, the brace was at her feet and she stepped over it to run the usual checks on the bones where the breaks had been the worst. 

She was smiling as she pulled back, taking the brace and tossing it behind her as Michael beamed. 

“Well, Michael. You’re good. Just keep doing your exercises, take a few more days to start working the muscles back to strength, but other than that. Well done, I’m proud of you.” She grinned as she stood up to hug him, and he practically leapt into her arms in happiness and excitement.

She received a cheesy group hug and a ‘thanks for everything’ from them all before leaving, but then it was done. All the frustrating effort that didn’t seem to be going anywhere, all the time spent working on coaxing his body back to health, it was all finished; and the relief on Michael’s face when the door closed was plain for everyone to see. 

“Ahh, sweet freedom.” He said, lifting his leg up and moving the limb around experimentally. He nearly toppled on the first step, the muscles weaker than he was used to, and Gavin caught him quickly. 

“Steady, dear.” Ryan commented, though he made no move to stand up from the couch. 

“I’m good, I’m good!” He replied, straightening his back, and taking the next step with more caution.

Ray exclaimed a mock cheer, miming pulling a confetti cannon, and spinning strangely in the pretend stream of paper shreds. The trailer was drawn into a celebratory atmosphere - as much of a joke as it began - with each of the boyfriends filling the space with energetic movement that shook the floor. 

“Come for a walk with me.” Michael said quickly, grabbing Gavin’s hand and began to drag him away from the madness, at his doubtful look he corrected himself, “A _slow, careful_ walk.”

The others barely noticed as he shrugged and nodded, showing Jack a quick thumbs up when he broke away from the dancing - which was now to the sound of music blaring through Ray’s phone - and shot Gavin a questioning look. 

Michael entwined his fingers with Gavins as they crossed the camp, the other stuck firmly into his pocket, mirrored by the Brit to his left. With the morning just starting, the sun barely gracing the sky, the dew on the blades of grass below their feet glistened like diamonds; The air was still fresh, cold and light in his lungs, and Gavin let himself enjoy the feeling of Michael’s hand warm in his. Every now and again Michael would stop, pressing his foot into the ground a couple of times before continuing to walk onwards, thankful to his British boyfriend for being understanding. 

“This is nice.” He said after a while. 

Gavin hummed in response, using his grasp on Michael’s hand to pull him closer so their sides were touching, “Walking?” 

“Walking,” Michael confirmed with a nod. 

After he stopped for what must have been the 20th time, Gavin kept him still before he could walk off again. 

“Does it hurt?” 

Michael seemed to consider it for a beat or two, taking a handful more steps, “Not so much pain,” He said slowly, “More like my leg’s asleep, kind of achy?” 

Gavin nodded, and easily took more of Michael’s weight through his arms. 

“If you wanna take a break just tell me.” 

“Yes, _Mom_ ,” Michael drawled while Gavin shoved him playfully with his shoulder, and stuck his tongue out. 

After a few more minutes, Michael stopped walking. Just stopped dead in the middle of a step, and Gavin looked to his side questioningly. 

“I wanna do it again.”

Gavin frowned in confusion, “Do what?” he asked, but the look on Michael’s face told him the answer before his words could. 

“Th-the stunt?”

“Michael, I can’t. I can’t fucking do it, you know that.” He frowned at Michael when the man started shaking his head back and forth dramatically.

“Bullshit. You had that down, you had it perfect, it was that asshole in the crowd. If it hadn’t been for him you would have caught me no problem.” Gavin bit his lip to keep himself from arguing. 

Not that he hadn’t been told that a thousand times already. The case still stood that he had no idea if he would have caught Michael or not. Just because he had done it plenty of times in rehearsal, didn’t mean he would have completed it on the night too. Things went wrong all the time… that he knew. 

Dragging up a half assed attempt at fighting back he started, “Your leg-” But Michael just rolled his eyes.

“I don’t mean tonight, you dick. I still have a week of muscle building before I’ll be able to do my part, but once that’s done we’re going to do it again.”

“I’ll think about it.” Gavin said shortly, and was kicked in the shin - weakly, and with a pathetic excuse for a leg - and he staggered a bit.

“You’ll do more than think about it,” Michael replied sternly, “You’ll agree wholeheartedly and we’ll swing off into the sunset together.” The boy dramatically swung his arms from side to side, spinning almost 360 degrees before catching himself. Gavin laughed, covering his face with his hands to hide the completely unattractive expression he was sporting. 

“Are you sure you stopped taking the drugs?” He asked, grabbing Michael to stop him from toppling over as he continued his dancing tirade across the path. The boy just laughed and accepted Gavin’s support, his wobbling legs like jelly as they turned back the way they came.

\---

He thought about it all day after the conversation. Weighed up the pros and cons of just leaping straight into it, even though the cons seemed to win out every time. 

He found himself not wanting to bring it up with anyone, but wanting to tell everyone all at once. Managing to stay quiet until the next afternoon, he finally brought it up with Ray when they were setting the weeks washing out behind the camp.

Gavin threw a bed sheet over the clothes line, spreading it across the wire as Ray pulled another sheet from the basket. 

“Michael wants to do the stunt again.” Ray glanced up at him briefly but quickly looked away again, focusing on the sheets in his hands. 

“Do it.” He shrugged, clipping one end of the cloth to the line, “He’s all healed up.” He disappeared behind the fabric, his shadow dancing through. 

Gavin stared past the sheets at his boyfriend, waiting to catch his attention long enough for the lad to know he was staring. They fixed their gazes for a few seconds, a bored look taking over the features on Ray’s face. Gavin folded his arms across his chest and stood straight up.

“Ray.” He said with a deadpan expression, and an emotionless tone. 

“Gavin.” Ray replied bluntly, mirroring Gavins body language. 

“What if-” 

“Gav, shut up.” Gavin snapped his mouth shut with a loud clank of teeth, “Stop thinking for five fucking seconds and just go for it, he trusted you then, and he still trusts you now.” Gavin pouted, turning around to the basket again, grumbling. 

He knew it was stupid. If they thought he wasn’t aware, then they were wrong. It was as if he wanted just one person to say that maybe he shouldn’t do it, perhaps they should wait a little longer. Then he could have an excuse to let the coward inside him win for once. 

“Hey, Gavin?” Gavin glanced back to see that Ray had abandoned the chore, and was watching him more carefully. 

His voice was softer when he spoke again, as if he knew what was going through Gavin’s head, 

“Remember a few months ago, when we were having this exact conversation?”

“Just pretend we’ve said the same thing.” Gavin gave him a _look_ and dumped the arm full of clothes he was holding back into the basket. 

“Okay, I get it.” He mumbled as Ray stepped closer, reaching out to touch him; the fingers brushing his arm were soothing, but he still felt a rush of negative emotions flood through him. 

“Look, I know you’re scared, but have some faith in yourself, you’re acting like a newbie.” Not a hint of malice registered in his voice, which Gavin was glad to hear, but he still found himself wanting to walk away. 

Which he did.

Only to hear an echoing, “Love you!” called after him. 

Without turning around he waved his hand in the air, trudging off, away from camp, to give himself a minute to breathe. 

\---

That week went by too quickly for Gavin, until he found himself sitting on the sidelines of the trampoline while Michael jumped back and forth, testing his balance on simple positions. Eventually, once both he - and Chris who had agreed to help spot him - decided he had the strength to try, he switched to somersaults; back and front, before finally landing double backs, and crash dives. Killing the bounce, he stopped dead in front of Gavin and fixed his gaze on the Brit. 

“Wednesday’s show.” Was all he said, leaving Gavin to gulp and swallow down the nausea in his gut from the implication. His hands were shaking as he watched Michael leave, but soon he shook off the nerves, letting the anxiety flow from his fingertips and took to the trapeze for some air to clear his head. 

In the back of his mind he had to believe them. It was the knowledge that he was ready that stopped him from losing sleep over the stunt like he had before. It was the memory, however, of his dear boyfriend lying bent and broken in a puddle of his own blood, that stopped him in his tracks and made fear bleed back into his system. 

_Maybe I can just stay here until the show’s over and no one will ever question it._ Gavin thought as he tucked himself down on the ramp leading up to Tamara’s home. The Lioness was lazing just feet from him, purring happily as she chased the last of the sunlight that was dragging across the floor of her truck. 

“Thought I saw you hiding over here.” Gavin looked up quickly to see Jack ambling over. He had yet to change for the show - since all he wore was a suit, it wasn’t unusual - and was still walking around in tattered jeans and a faded tee, even as the circus began to come to life for the evening. Gavin sighed, and looked down at his hands. 

“Then I wasn’t exactly _hiding_ was I?” 

“You that excited?” Jack asked, passing a treat through the bars to Tamara, who took it gently between her teeth and stalked off towards the back of the van, munching happily. 

“Yeah sure,” Gavin grimaced, wrapping his arms around his waist protectively. 

Jack threw him a sad look and slid down the truck to sit on the ramp beside his boyfriend. He scooted closer so that their shoulders brushed. 

“I know you are really, the same as you were before the first time. Now you’re just overthinking things.”

Gavin shrugged, “I can’t help it.” He mumbled, staring across the camp, feeling the air around him dance along his skin.

He felt Jack’s gaze burning into the side of his face for a while before he spoke. 

“You know before all of this, I was always so...amazed, by how confident you were,” Jack held up his hand to stop Gavin interrupting, “Not so much at first in person, but up in the sky? You never faltered, not a single slip, not once. Then the accident happened and, I don’t know, you just...changed. I could see the lack of confidence that you were feeling.” 

Gavin looked away sadly, casting his eyes down to the dirt caked into the wooden slats of the ramp.

“Ray noticed too,” Jack continued, ignoring Gavin as he stiffened beside him, “He didn’t want to say anything, thought it might shake you even more, but Gav when someone is catching you 30 feet in the air they’re going to feel that tremor in your hands. I don’t think the audience noticed the slips though,” He added quickly to reassure the Brit, “But don’t get me wrong, the nerves were obvious,” 

Gavin remained silent, and the hand that had begun to scratch at the dirt was scooped up into Jack’s larger one, and held tightly. 

“You’re forgetting that you’re skilled, you’re so talented, Gavin. You have that spark, we all saw it from that first day, and you’re slowly letting the spark fizzle out. Don’t do it. Go out there knowing you can do it, and you will every time.” Gavin smiled and blinked back love filled, happy tears that were filling his eyes. 

“How is it you always know what to say, Jack?”

“It’s a talent.” He shrugged, “Plus I spend too much time talking to a Lion, who doesn’t talk back.” A smile broke out on Gavin’s face and his lips were captured for a moment by Jacks own.

“I’m a great performer,” Jack said as he pulled away, standing up and brushing the dirt off his pants, “Say that to yourself before you climb the ladder. Let that be the last thing you hear before the music.” 

Gavin grinned and nodded; he remembered Mr Wonderjoy saying the same thing to him back in the day, how self encouragements could mean so much more than anyone elses words ever could. It made Gavin feel vaguely nostalgic, but allowed the memory of those feelings he had experienced at the very start to drift through his body. 

“Thanks, Jack.” The bearded man smiled down at him.

“No worries, love. Now go,” He pulled Gavin to his feet and nudged him away from the truck, 

“You need way more time in makeup than me.” 

“And remember! I’m a great performer!” He called after the Brit, and Gavin let that voice stick in his head the whole walk back to where Ray was waiting. 

\---

Paint on, suit tight, the music beyond the curtain thrumming in his ears, he waited. 

“I’m a great performer,” He said aloud to himself, gripping the curtain tightly in his fist.

“What’s that, Gav?” Ray asked, and Gavin realised he had said it a bit louder than he had thought, he shook his head at his partner.

“Nothing,” Ray shrugged, before giving him a thumbs up which was returned half heartedly while Gavin drew in slow breaths. The music beyond the curtain was drawing to a close. It was time. 

His hands were still shaking as he clenched them into fists on the way to the trapeze, and he thought of Jack’s words. The lack of confidence was obvious.

No.

He needed this, he needed to be his best again. 

Closing his eyes, one hand on the rung of the ladder before him, he whispered.“I’m a great performer.” 

Colours danced across his face, the tiny veins in his eyelids creating a galaxy before him; and as the last notes of the song accompanying Michael and Lindsay’s act played out through the tent, he took his first few steps up the ladder, blind. 

Opening his eyes to the sound of applause, he watched the pair below wave, before energetically bounding out through the curtain, and the ring was sucked into darkness again.

In the months that had passed, he hadn’t truly felt the lack of spark inside himself. It had been too easy to ignore; taking care of Michael, worrying about Michael, spending every second of every day thinking about Michael. It didn’t leave much room to consider himself. First there was all the shit with Geoff, and those days he couldn’t face getting up on the trapeze he had chalked up to anxiety over lack of communication with his boyfriend; and then once Michael was back it was all fetching and carrying, watching and waiting. He never took a minute just to think about himself. 

Until now.

Until this moment right here, when the crowd was far below him, looking like ants to his focused brain. With Ray standing on the platform opposite, makeup glittering in the spotlight that had illuminated them both. In that moment, for the first time in what now felt like forever, the palms of his hands were dry, his head clear, his heart pounding in the best of ways; in that moment everything was right and true, and he took to the performance like his five year old self leaping for the bars that first time. With all the power and enthusiasm of someone who loved what they were doing, and knew that it was their place. 

The applause felt like more than hands meeting hands, as it echoed throughout the tent; it felt like sweet victory and, as the lights went down in preparation for the finale, his lips turned up into a smile as he whispered “I am a performer,” once more. 

He could see Geoff below him walking around the ring, spouting out a menial monologue to the audience to keep them occupied while the trampoline was set up, and the net was pulled away. He locked eyes with Michael as the lad passed by below him, registering the tiny thumbs up that was held beside his hip before Michael threw his hands into the air to pump up the audience for the stunt. 

Gavin breathed deeply. In out, in out, in out. His mind was racing but his thoughts were clear, easy to sort through, easy to push aside to make room for the bigger picture. The sound of drums rolling was far away and muffled, sucked into the vortex in which everyone and everything surrounding he and Michael seemed to have disappeared. He had tunnel vision. 

“I’m a performer.” He said one last time, twisting his arms around the bar as Michael flipped and bounded towards him. 

With one last deep breath, he felt himself fall forward; he let go and allowed gravity to take him. 

As Michael’s fingers brushed his wrist, wrapping around the limb and clinging on, he knew everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go, there's the end. 
> 
> Or is it...
> 
> Thank you to Grape who brainstormed this story and kept me feeling it long enough to be so attached that I couldn't let it go. Thank you to every single one of you who read this, left a comment, or a kudos. I really really appreciate every word (and i'm sorry I didn't respond to everyone's comments, I am a slug) and the support for this fic has been like a slap in the face for me, a person who never thought her writing was worth anything tbh. Oh! and thank you to James who made a super awesome playlist for this fic which you can view [here.](http://8tracks.com/huggermuggered/what-goes-up)
> 
> In all seriousness, if you think I'm going to let this fic end here then you should think again! Keep an eye on my tumblr [glackedandmullered](http://www.glackedandmullered.tumblr.com) for updates on what could be happening. (If you want to, i don't know you might hate it now)
> 
> Again thank you, I love you all dearly, and I really hope you enjoyed this last installment in Everybody Loves a Circus Show.


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